All sorts of unnecessary bugs in my head.

It is funny how a little bit of this and that can crowd up your mind. A little bit of stress, a little bit of confusion, a little bit of pressure and a little bit of frustration. Ends up being a swell of burden so heavy that you feel like just throwing your head into your beloved pillow and dream your day away. That's life!

But then, try separating all those 'this n that'. See each of them carefully. You'll realize that sometimes, they're actually quite insignificant stuff when viewed individually. Not insignificant, or should I say, they are actually not as burdening as they seemed to be. If I take one thing at a time, step by step, I am sure I can finish up everything nicely in the end. I am optimistic, as always.

Now the mission is to not let things overwhelm me. When you think back, there were always times when you thought you had it bad rite? But now, aren't we all still doing alright?

Today is my big-bad- GUILTY- day. I got the dress which had been haunting my mind ever since yesterday. It popped up in my mind and stayed there for an average of 15 minutes during these circumstances:
1) Walked past a dress store in Brandon Park
2) Saw the silky PJs at BNT
3) Random thoughts, then 'POP'. There it was.
4) Appeared in my dream.
5) IT just won't let me go.

So I went ahead and bought it. For the coming MUMSU Ball. Which I think is not really such a bad idea. Cos, I actually won't need to buy shoes as it matches well with the heels i brought over and its simplicity is actually a plus point, making mixing and maching easier when it comes to accessories and stuff~ OK, now here is the list of my accomplices who 'supported' and 'encourage' me to get the dress:
1) AMY- top supported
2) Olivia
3) Chitra

..........Ok, it is a short list but they did play a big part in the process!

There's another crossroad in my life. Whether to stay here for the next year or to return. But it all depends on my dad, i guess. But when he asked me what I wanted, part of me wishes to return just for old times' sake, missing my previous lifestyle and all the nice people back there. Another part of me wishes to remain here, realizing i am actually begining to see independence in me, to learn new things, and there is a network of close knit friends that I dread to leave here. But then I decided that thinking won't lead me anywhere! So now I am focusing on..... Going back to Sandakan for my summer holidays and nothing else!

Tomorrow! Off to Box Hill to find sponsorships! One of the major bugs in my head. Feel kinda bad for not being able to contribute. There is this temptation to just not care and hide but then, I am a Capricorn! I just cannot bear to do it. Guess I'll just try my best ...to not embarass myself. Or most importantly, not embarass MUMSU! Then we are planning to go to Richmond for some nice food! But not to worry, my pals, I am still on a diet! Seriously.

When your dreams resemble your reality, is it living your dream or avoiding the reality? I am living in a dream now. I always get people telling me that I am very lucky. Honestly, I guess I am, slightly.....? I have never really met any hardships in life before. I count it as a blessing. But then again, what will happen if this luck of mine runs out someday? I wonder....

Being told you are lucky, is sometimes a bit funny. Does it mean that your capabilities are not solid enough to be recognized by others? Or does it mean that you are given a gift exclusive few others in this whole wide world? I love being lucky and being told that I am lucky. But there are days when it makes me feel a bit sulky to be told that.

Random statements:
I love Trampoline Open Sesame.
And this currently playing song in my blogsite!
And Ouran Host Club is so funny!
Missing shopping sprees in One Utama!
Chatting with WenJi who is only less than 30 steps away from me.
Misses Teru a lot.
Angry at someone 'mean' now!
I wanna sleep now so that I can wake up earlier for piano tomorrow~

All sorts of eye candy!

Despite all attempts to reject all sinful food, I had a really really sinful day today. And it ended just as badly!

It was such an exciting day going all the way to Bridge Rd, the city and Crown, with my 2 best gal pals, all of us buzzing with excitement at the thought of shopping for a dress! But then again, typical of me, I failed to get a single item in the end! IS this a failure? Maybe you would say no. But then hear me out, those other 2 who supposedly were gonna accompany me ONLY, bought so much stuffs! Now, again, am i a failure?

Top disappointments of the day:
1) The exaggerating prices of the dresses.
2) Looking fat in the dress!
3) Failing to resist Trampoline!
4) Losing what I most anticipated for the whole day!

I really must lose some weight! Gonna resume my diet plan starting tomorrow! 80% exercise and 20% food! Oh....make some space for studying as well. And PIANO! Oh gosh, am i addicted... Every morning, I wake up automatically around 8, just so that I can get ready earlier and spare some time to play ZANARKAND, yes, still Zanarkand, in the common room. The same scenario repeats everyday. ME there, struggling with Zanarkand and the cleaning lady vacuuming behind me. Yes, I hope it didn;t annoy her too badly!

I ate a lot today! Ate a big muffin from Coffee HQ, then 20% of the Limited Edition Mars Bar ( really a must-try to all, it is not as sweet as the original but then highly chocolate-y and simple devilish to the taste buds!), Trampoline (open sesame, lychee and line and choco nougat.....simply irresistable....), Pork Chop Vermicelli at Mekong (not really nice but still....), Japanese Ice Cream at Crown (Durian and Taro~~) and 20% of the Cookies and Cream Cake at Crown. Is that a lot? I guess.....? Please dun tell me the exact answer to this question! And the one healthy option, the apple I brought alone, was left alone and rotten in my bag.

I must remain motivated and focused! Fighto fighto fighto!

Lately I heard a really really joyous and cute and..sorta strange song from GLAY~! Denki iruka something something.... It is really nice and has been playing repetitiously in my head all day~ I kinda enjoy it! It is a very nice feeling to have a happy and uplifting song playing in ur mind all day. Somehow, it helps pushes, if not neutralizes the negativities which usually crowd our minds. Although its effect is momentary, I would like to enjoy this short process.

I hope life would be like that song. Joyous, uplifting, easy, simple, cheerful, quirky, relaxing and its extraordinary power to induce a smile upon your face. 'I love my life' -- I will try to protect this statement for as long as i live.

Crossroads/ Wavering

Sometimes no matter how hard we think, we avoid, we forget, we try, decisions are never easy to make. Constantly worrying over what might become of our decision, we are weak creatures after all. Too afraid to fall, too afraid to fail. But then isn't life like this? You fall, hold back your tears and get up again.

What if, you try crying after you fall? Try releasing what is inside of you. I will always be there to listen to you.

There used to be this person in my mind, some kind of role model to me, who I wanted so much to be. Someone smart, intelligent, elegant, brave, successful, popular and so on. I spent half of my secondary years trying to be like 'her'. Always thinking of what to do, being so concious of my actions and criticizing the then 'me'. I thought it was for my own good. To make me a better person. But then it was so tough and painful to me, to endure all the pressure I mounted on myself, that I was further away from not only this 'role model' I wanted to be, but also from my ownself, my friends and my family.

Luckily, I met some nice people, got tired of all the constraints I placed upon myself and came to realize what a fool I had been. Gradually I began loosening up, value my own opinions, act according to my beliefs, be more true to myself and expressed my own feelings more. Surprisingly, my lie changed. I made a bunch of very nice friends, who now means more to me than ever before. My ties with my family became stronger and I love the way it is all smiles and laughter between us now. I gained more confidence and found myself loving my ownself more. Life was a lot more happier. Because, I finally became 'me' and not someone else.

It is very important be yourself, I guess. Have the courage to live as yourself and not to be influenced by the so-called standards set by the society, etc. It is important to have principles and rules in life, I believe. But make them your own principles and rules, and not something set to you. Only then will you be able to open up and feel more from this world.

I can truly say that life has been really great for me now. Never been so happy before and I am so thankful for everything. Now, I just hope things will stay the same! And for this, I shall work hard for it.

Everyone of you, should work hard too! Towards becoming true to yourself, towards finding happiness, and towards freedom from all constraints. IT is not easy, I hope I can achieve all this, one day.

Takaramono

Has there ever been times when you look at something and realize how happy you were in that instance? The whole moment, just like a painting, expressing indescribable feelings of happiness, gratitude and thankfulness. And without you realizing, there it was a silly smile on your face.

Things are always so peculiar and unexpected in this small world of ours. Within the course of days, small things can grow into such big things. Seemingly insignificant things can develop into such important parts of your life. Maybe because of this, we often fear the unknown, but then again, doesn't this make your courage to live through this, shine more brightly?

The world is a beautiful place.

It is times when I stare at those brown eyes that I came to realize how lucky and happy I am rite now, rite here. I hope for these days to continue, till the end of time. Hoping is not good enough, I will work hard for this. I just want to.

If I smile today

If I smile today I wonder if I can lighten up someone else's burden?
If I smile today, I wonder if this image will bring about yet another smile 3 days later?

I hope to be smiling all the time.

While smiles are always interpreted as something positive, I wonder if it really holds that promise? We smile to shield our fear, hide our insecurities, comfort our loneliness, restrain our tears, and so on. Don't we do that all the time. So much so that, sometimes, I wonder if the true meaning behind a smile is still there.

It seems like a lot pf pure things in this world have lost its meanings. Can we protect them? While trying hard to find happiness, had we all pursued the wrong direction? Maybe some of the most precious and important things in life is not that hard to find? Provided, you try hard with a true heart and honest feelings. Provided, you are able to believe in the goodness of life and all it has to offer. Provided, you are able to maintain all these.

I can say that rite now, I am really happy with my life. I experienced the feeling of truly smiling lately. It has been great. But I also know that, to maintain everything I have now, or so that, it can last, I need to work hard towards it. And because this feeling is so special and .....simply beautiful, I will work hard towards it. And on this journey, I hope to find more and more smiles.

To make a winter nite warm...

I just realised that to make a winter nite warm, u just need the presence of someone. Presence, doesnt have to be physically. Just need to feel it. I didnt complain about the cold the whole nite! Though, now I feel like complaining about my sore throat! It was fun.

To be able to talk to someone without holding back anything. This is one of the best things to do. Because of how nice this feels, it makes it all the while harder to do normally. To me, it requires a lot of trust and a great sense of security. I am glad to have found it without even being aware of it at the first place. But now that I found it, I also know that I must treasure it.

It is human nature to be afraid of the unknown, be indecisive, lack confidence, doubt ourselves and to have an inner critic. I used to have all these inside of me. Constantly worrying about this or that, all the time! But then, for some reasons, as time passed, I found myself being more and more different than the 'me' before. I cant say that I am braver, more decisive, have high confidence, is sure of myself always or so on. But one thing for sure it, I am able to shrug off worries more easily, to clear my mind of troubles and be happier for a change. And I am enjoying life this way!

Perhaps, we worry all the way just because we are so unsure of what is in store for us in the coming years or even days. But then again, I guess even if we worry, it is not like the future will change rite? Rather than that, I prefer to live the moment worry-free, and to the fullest, knowing that I am doing my best for a future I am yet to know. And for this, hopefully, I will have no regrets.

Sometimes, we must know how to reward ourselves. For me, I know this too well! Haha, which is not that good. After doing something good, always give yourself credit for it! For me, I chose to tell all my close frens and family when i lost 2 kgs! Shameless? But i felt great! Always acknowledge yourself, love yourself.

In this world where everything is constantly changing and uncertainty piles up upon us, we can only live the best we can with no regrets. Don't dwell too much in the past, don't get lost in your thoughts, don't be stuck in negativity, don't hesitate to try, don't doubt yourself, don't stop believing in yourself. For all these, will bring miracles to life.

When i say that you are great for who you are, i really mean it.
Everything is true, ever so true.
I hope this moment lasts forever.

G4's grand arrival.

Today had been a day of rapidly changing emotions. OK, let me start rite now.

Last nite, I didnt really wanted to sleep as part of me was resisting to accept the fact that holidays had ended. Time to sleep early and wake up early. To rise while the sun is still shinging. I even surrendered to the trick of leaving my curtains slightly ajar, so that the sunlight can annoy me badly enough to wake me up.

But throughout the nite, I actually couldnt sleep. Scared of being late in the morning, of bad weather, of accidents and so on. So bad that I actually woke up at 6 am! And had so much time to prepare! I was nervous. But how come?

During lecture, as usual, I felt bored. So badly that I almost nodded off, yet again.

Then I met some frens for lunch and this time I felt weird. Although it had just been around one month since we met each other again under these circumstances, at that place. I expected lots of memories of the old times and laughs n jokes just like the way it was before. But for some reasons, although the same jokes are shared, the same topic of conversation, the same people are there .....everything was the same. But only, the feeling was different. It made me think, can one single incident leave such a deep impact in wat i used to think of as a strong friendship we had? I felt uncomfortable, uneasy and weird.

I had a MUMSU meeting after that and although usually I am attentive and interested, today I was rather zoned out and .......blur? Hm, this is the Teddy-effect. Although things had been fine and seriously I have never been so sure of things, deep inside I am still a bit unstable whenever he's around. Or when he's around and everyone's around. This is embarassing considering that i'll be turning 20 soon. Quoting my best pal, "Girls need security and assurance the most." I am actually a girl! Hehe.....Probably, once I am totally assured of things, I can perhaps be better at this? I hope!

Then, as soon as I reached home, opened my mailbox, the biggest biggest surprise was there for me! It was the yellow little card telling me that I had a parcel. Because of my strong bond with Teru, at once I knew that my precious precious G4 has arrived. In less than 1 min, I left all my stuff in my room and jogged to claim my precious! The moment I held G4 in my hands, I was so touched! And just wait for the review of this exciting new single! Gonna be a blast!

Then it was heart attack time. I went to my usual shower place, but the place was pitch black and looked so so creepy since the air was cold! So i rushed upstairs to the other shower place, totally shaken only to be greeted by another heart attack. As expected, I acted foolishly again. Erghh..... thinking of it makes me cringe.

Now, after spending a quiet night on my own, I realized that my mind is filled with a really annoying toxin! Trying hard to shake it off to no avail! It is great when you have someone in your mind all the time. Someone whose mere image or memory of him can make you smile, laugh or make ur heart skip a beat. But having someone in ur mind all the time also means you anticipate more of the next meeting, the next conversation, the next laugh and.....just everything revolving around him. Some interruption came, let's continue!

It is important to strike a balance in this I know. So rite now, I can say that I dun anticipate the next time i see him.....for now, cos u just left! Haha!

In order to obtain happiness, is it a must to go through pain?

Sometimes there are people in this whorld whose pain you feel it yourself. As if it is your own pain. Feeling this, you cringe and wish for a way to help. To ease her pain. To wish her all the best.

But then, aren't these only wishes? What about action?
To know that one of your best friends is in pain, but not being able to do anything.
I finally realized how bad this feels.

The connection between 2 person are not built with time. Now I believe that it is fate. Funny as it may sound but I truly believe it now. You might have known some people all your life and yet, he or she remains a small fraction of your memory, an insignificant presence in your life.

Then there are those who you have met for less than months, and yet they shine on you. They quickly become part of your busy life, filling you with happiness, giving you something to look forward to and just.....making life so much more alive. True friends, soulmates, lover, best friends. These are all the irreplacables in life and one must be thankful to find them.

However, having someone this important also means that you will share their sadness and happiness, whether you like it or not. This is because, the bond is just too strong. While we find happiness in these people, we must be prepared to share their sadness too. Though it sounds like so much of a burden, when it happens, you will automatically do so. This is so true.

Happiness is such a blissful feeling. I have been loving every moment of my life lately. Loving it so so much, being so thankful for everything that I am starting to feel guilty for feeling so, amidst all the troubles my best friend is having. While trying to suppress my own feelings, I try to be with her more. Doing this, I sacrificed something as well. But then I think, it is worth it. I dont know whether all the times I spent with her made her feel any better. I dont know if I helped at all. I can only hope that I did.

Love is not always linked with happiness. I learnt this lately. Love always gives us a picture or happiness, gladness, joy, bliss, togetherness, warmth and hope. But then again, nothing is perfect. Love also brings selfishness, fear, insecurity, confusion, indecisiveness, conflicts, pain, tears, sadness and loneliness.

But... I still think it is worth a try. Love. You never know what you will gain from it. You might lose something in the end, but there is always a gain. This is what I believe in. And when it succeeds, the feeling is great. So great that, it is indescribable.

:::Sweet Potato:::

This morning my whole body was aching! Probably because of the amount of time I spent in the rain and in my boots yesterday. So despite knowing I had to wake up early this morning, I snoozed on for another hour before finally making my sleepy head clear!

Finally I got to meet Olivia~ Really lack of her after so many days! N as always, we talked a lot, mainly about stuff which can be classified into Group 8. It was fun but the best part was when she said she liked the special sweet potato I made! Made my day!

Despite the day being just another typical one, having a friend over, spending time together, crapping, joking and simple do nothing with, is so much fun! Although it is a bit cold today, but then my room is always warm, making it such a nice place to spend time with my friends!

Suddenly i am so into cooking. Or should i say, eating?
Let's rephrase that.
I have always been into eating.

Feelings so true yet words are needed?

I can't help feeling that as a human, I am greedy too.

I am gaining more than I expected, happiness, comfort and ......lotsa amazing memories. I found an unbelievable personality in which I can truly trust upon and feel tranquil with. I found more colours in my days and more sweet dreams at nights! Everything ......up until this moment, is just indescribable, definitely not in words.

But yet, sometimes, in an attempt to protect what we have now, to gain a moment of clarity, to determine one's own location in this vast, uncertain map, words become the one thing we hope for. The one thing we cling on as support.

Compared to feelings, I don't think words are important. It can be made up, can be moulded and can be beautified. But feelings, is the way it is and cannot be made up, nor be moulded into something it is no and true feelings can be beautified no further.

Yet, how come we still long for words so much?

Maybe we are not being greedy by wanting more than feelings and requesting for words.
Maybe, it is the sense of security and certainty we all seek for throughout our life.

Feelings don't lie.
But they can be misinterpreted, misunderstood, doubted and confusing.
That's when words come in to rescue I guess.
You might not be good with words.
But with true feelings, you don't need to be good with words.

From now on, I'll speak truly of my mind and my feelings.