Becoming speechless but mindful

Lately I have been feeling:-

down
in a slump
hopeless
demotivated
lost
out of energy
negative

For some reasons it feels so much harder to bounce back this time.

I searched high and low for that

spunk
confidence
positivity
glimmer of hope
joy
feeling alive

Even as I write this I feel no sense of direction. And without realising it I felt the need or want to make words float around this post.

No formatting.
No coherence.
No story.

Just
like
my
life
and
my
state
of
mind.

These days, I stare into the sky - mind wandering -

where am i heading to?
what am i working towards?
am i getting there?
when will i achieve what i set out to?
will i even get there?

And it doesnt help that the skies have been grey.

I look at others with eyes of:
admiration and a hint of envy.

I hear the stories of others with:
fascination and a hint of envy.

I am envious of so much in so many and guilty of feeling so.

I am tired of:

Persisting - Chasing - Reassuring myself - Motivating myself - Being hopeful - Being positive
Forcing a smile - Faking a smile - Holding my tears - Holding my fears

But what if I succumb to my frustration and this physical and mental exhaustion?

Will I feel better?
Will anything change at all?
Will I feel happier?

Maybe you will see me as someone who is not thankful for all that I have now, someone who thinks too highly of herself, someone who bites off more than she can chew, someone who is dramafy-ing her life.

And you know what, I might very well agree with you.

For I have high hopes for myself, achievements I want to attain, limits I want to push.

I believe you do too.