To be writing

I haven't been blogging for a long time now. Where is the blogging bug? I used to like putting together posts with pictures, travel experiences or just downright snappy stuffs in this little space I call my own. Not that my life is now less interesting or that I don't like talking anymore (esp the latter), but somehow I just forget to re-visit my fondness of writing. Or maybe, there is too much happening in my life and playing in my mind right now, I just can't find the words to describe and the way to convey my feelings. I strive to continue writing. It is a very effective emotional outlet for me. Helps me to say what I find difficult through speech. Helps me figure out what is going through in my mind. Helps me capture the different thoughts I had as I progress through life. Let's hope for the best now :)

Loss of...

I don't deal well with losses.

It makes me feel empty and helpless.

I have dealt with only one direct loss of a loved one up until now (and about to deal with another one soon).

The former was a big shock. The latter, I have been calm so far, acceptive and appreciative - so far.

After all, sometimes you don't know until it is right in front of you.

As I sit here in Starbucks, waiting for the hours to go by until my next flight back to my hometown which I have not stepped foot on for 4 years, I can't help but feel aimless.

I am thinking of ways to burn time when time is usually such a valuable asset and always insufficient in my Melbourne days.

I don't even know what I want to say now.

I guess I'll just continue watching the shadows of strangers pass by me.

Snapshots of appreciation

Today I feel like writing - about the various snapshots going through my mind right now.

Three of the most important females in my life in a family dominated by females - that says a lot. It amazes me how we never run out of things to talk, laugh, tease, gossip, fight about.

Another birthday celebrated with love and happy surprises, another year younger and wiser, another yummy cake. What is special this year though is, my dad ordered this cake for me and invited lotsa his friends to my party - just like the good old days back when I was 12.

My family - complete, happy, lively and close - well done to us!

My baby Shiro celebrating his first birthday. Despite his naughty and stubborn nature, I can't be more touched and proud of his every achievement and milestones.

A few too many memorable getaways!

The sun on my skin in Brisbane.

Looking up at Taipei 101.

Watching sunrise at Uluru.

Receiving a lovely drop of glitter from Mr Tan to mark the end of the year and my birthday.

These are not snapshots of 2010. These are snapshots of appreciation.

That's right, I think I have been rushing - chasing after - whining - thinking too much in 2010 to spare a moment to stop - look - capture and most importantly, APPRECIATE.

Hence, my resolution for 2011 is nothing extraordinary like a bikini body or doubling my bank account, but just to learn to APPRECIATE and RELAX.

The good things which are all around us

I could pretend like nothing's wrong and write a post about the beautiful steak I had the other day.

But then I would not be pouring my heart out. If this blog acts as a release to me, then that would an escape.

Again, this year is wrapping up - have you had the chance to look back? Do you like what you see?

The majority of us would probably pick at the negativities first - gained 5 kgs, house broken in, fights with mum, failed interviews, non-existent savings - and yes, quite a few of those were drawn from personal experience!

And then what do you do? Sigh and proceed to mourn at our ill fate, lack of luck, incapabilities, laziness with the conclusion being, "I am just as bad as I was last year", and then move on with life oh life.

Now wait.

Did we miss something here?

Okay, we were looking back on life and counted the bad things and then we. . . . stopped.

See, we forget to look at the good things which happened. (Note: we see the bad ones everywhere whether we like it or not but we have to look for the good ones, because we are just blind like that sometimes)

What good things you ask? Like - the $20 lottery? The dog stopped barking at night? Mr Boyfriend surprised you with a little teddy? Mr and Mrs Parents are waiting for you at home? The road trip to Lakes Entrance, and it rained? Friends getting married?

Meh. Those are small stuffs and some of them happen all the time anyway, like parents waiting to nag me back home. Oh, and the $20 lottery win was enough for 10% of an Alannah Hill coat. Friends are getting married, not me, oh wait yikes, did I just make it sound like I want to? Lakes Entrance is like just 4 hours away, barely a trip.

The truth is, by thinking of the good things which happened in life as small and to happen all the time; we fail to apppreciate.

Tsk, if these are considered small stuffs, then how big could the bad stuffs have been? Like the positive weight gain and negative bank savings?

So take a moment to ponder.

All those times you thought the world was ending, did you feel thankful when things turned around or did you feel so victimised in the hands of fate that you still don't realise things have turned around?

All the tears you cried due to a broken heart, did you feel happy knowing that you have friends who would stick up for you or did you continue lamenting about loneliness in singledom?

All the extra weight you gained from snacking during revision week for exam, did you feel glad knowing that you passed your exams or did you start hating chocolates and exams just cause you only see the weight gain as your only achievement?

All the failed interviews or the worse-still non-respondent job applications, did you give yourself a pat at the back for your determination and the interview skills gained or did you just give yourself hell by thinking you are not good enough and no one would ever hire you (which you know is not true anyway)?

If you answered no to all those above, then you must be in a very negative environment and have gone through a very tough year with many days you thought you would never live through.

True?

If that is so, congratulate yourself now.

Well, it seems like you made it through all that and the mere fact that you are reading this right now shows that you have made it this far.

Did you overlook this? :)

Tears

Have you ever felt like crying?

No reasons. No causes. No dentists involved.

Just wanting to cry.

Tears are merely water from the body. But boy, does it feel like it is much more than that.

How do frustration/sadness/angst/disappointment/stress get released with tears?

All these emotions bottled up inside of us, how do they feel so bound - almost physically - to these tiny drops of water?

Love/Hate relationship with cleaning

After a long hiatus, I shall talk about a new love-hate relationship I have developed towards - house cleaning.

Love - the sparkly clean, no germs results.
Hate - the dust, the mold, the grit, the yuckiness.

For example, looking at the bathroom sink.

Hate - the brown, slimy grit around the edges.
Love - killing every single debris of it and flushing it down the neverland (toilet).

Looking at the white fur on the floor (everyday cycle).

Hate - Shiro (just joking!)
Love - sucking every bit of the fur which are begging for freedom into the prison of vacuum.

Looking at the dust on various surface.

Hate - the feeling of not being able to rid it from my body.
Love - squeezing the poor fellas outta the yellow cloth and into neverland again (toilet).

Looking at the splatters across the stove.

Hate - the greasiness and the shrivelled small chunks of food.
Love - getting rid of all these contaminations and making a mirror outta the stove.

Ahhh. Saturday just seemed more beautiful.

Hate - the hours lugging around in yellow gloves and greasy hair.
Love - feeling productive and home-y after it all ends!

Okay I am too tempted to say this although it might defeat the whole purpose of my post:

Hate - Doing it myself.
Love - Having someone else to do it for me!

Why would you...?

My aunty asked me this the other day:

Do you enjoy your life this way - waking up thinking you are late, rushing off to work, coming back home after more than 8 hours to a quiet house, thinking hard what to cook for dinner before mashing up just anything you have in your fridge, surfing the internet without speaking a word, crashing into bed - everyday?

Why won't you want to return home instead - waking up to some warm breafast, going to work in a car pool with family or friends, coming back home after home-cooked dinner and the chattering of family, spending the remainder of the night watching TV and chatting, going to sleep feeling safe and sound - everyday.

Yeah, I know the first scenario sounds sucky - it feels as if the time you spent chasing after eventually became time which passed you by.

And yeah, sure the second scenario sounds good, actually beyond good - perfect. To have family around you all the time, to be well taken care of, to be burdened with less worries. But then again, is it really what you want?

Everyone wants different things.

While family is very important to me and the thought of spending so little time with them breaks my heart, I feel happy to be here doing what I am doing now.

Sure, it sounds a bit sad, a bit empty and maybe even pointless?

But can you understand when I say that I feel happy?
Maybe it is the sense of thrill from chasing your dreams and seeing how far you can go on your own. Maybe it is the sense of achievement from being independent and trying to build a life on your own.

Maybe it is just me. Or maybe this is you, too.

I do realise the days pass me by and I talk a lot more over electronic devices than in person.

I do realise my dinners could be better prepared and I should be sleeping more.

So, why am I doing this?

I don't have a clever answer - it is just because I feel happy right here right now.

The legacy shall live

You know what.

I can feel my blog dying - a bit. And I am frantic!

What is wrong with me you ask? Since no one really reads or comments or drops by this lonely piece of cyber space.

Well it is because I once had a very ambitious dream.

Being pretty sure that the internet would outlive me, I decided to cement my existence through this blog - for years and years to come.

I want my grandchildren or even great-grandchildren to be able to read about my experiences in life - the good, the bad, the ugly, the fat and the bikini-fit (in the near future).

The very first day I started this blog, I thought about recording the journey of my pregnancy.

The very first day I arrived Australia, I thought about noting my adventures in finding a new love.

The very first time I planned my own trip to Adelaide, I thought about detailing every footstep of mine in my future travel plans.

So how can I let this legacy wither off like that!?

Homesick

I am extremely homesick. Today is so grey both as in the weather and the grey areas in life.

Why can't we have everything in life?

Forging your own life in a foreign land vs. being with your family back at home
Building your career vs. building your own family

Two of the many things in life we have to choose one or the other.

I love my life here in Melbourne:
the city, the people, the hot chocolates, the university memories, the culture, the fashion, the Shiro, the tram rides, the crazy weather.

I feel like I am building something here:
my relationship, my circle of friends, my career, my personality, my outlook in life.

However, at the same time - especially this moment when homesickness strikes - I wonder if it is all worth it (oh, my grandma just called :< ):

Time spent away from family, missing the little moments, physical absence.

You might say that keeping in touch through phone, Skype or MSN helps a lot. But, to me, the sense of touch - makes a big difference.

I talk to Ray at least for half an hour every day when he is away for work - we have laughed, fought, gossiped, cried over the phone - but nothing beats the very first moment I see him in person again every time he returns.

As much as technology helps us stay connected, the strongest connection is when there are no wires, internet or satellites involved.

Here I am feeling homesick - pondering whether it is all worth it - knowing being here is what I want - wondering if there is ever a way to get everything I desire.

Sugar sugar

I was wondering today. Well I have been wondering for most of my life - if I could ever be swimsuit model-fit.

It seems so hard yet the fundamentals are so simple:

Avoid sugar and anything sweet.


Eat only when hunger strikes.

Fill up on fresh vegetables and fruits.

Avoid processed food especially those deep fried. Drink more water and less sweet drinks.

And of course, exercise regularly.

See, the basics are all here in my mind and the goal has been set in my heart forever.

But what is making all this so hard?

My wandering gourmet eye, fluttering foodie heart, adventurous taste buds and tireless sugar rush - these are the problems.

So hereinafter, I am gonna try to remodel my diet.

I love sugar but we can go on a long distance relationship :

And to up my exercise regime . . . what, the gym? Nah, just more shopping :)

Such life is hard.

Decluttering

Tis the time for decluttering - throwing out the redundant, unnecessary and plain useless such as negativity, doubts, insecurities and regret.

Tis the time for replenishing - culturing the jolly, positive energy and smile-worthies such as faith, laughs, thankfulness and happiness.

Supposed to be vs. Wanting to be

I hope to be stronger than this.

As I lament about my world becoming grey and the ground beneath me crumbling, I can't help but think that I should be stronger than this.

After all, there is nothing that cannot be solved in this world, right? Or at the very least, there should be nothing that cannot be solved in this world, right?

After all, isn't it a bit cruel to us mere humans if despite the effort, determination, persistence and faith from little beings like us, we are still destined to failing at what we set out to achieve?

Past incidences or experience might have proved me wrong, but I choose to believe in working hard, holding on, believing strongly and persisting incessantly till I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I truly believe so and I work very hard to remind myself so every day.

So, the mere thought that I should be stronger than this somehow reminds me of the positive self I once was not too long ago.

Becoming speechless but mindful

Lately I have been feeling:-

down
in a slump
hopeless
demotivated
lost
out of energy
negative

For some reasons it feels so much harder to bounce back this time.

I searched high and low for that

spunk
confidence
positivity
glimmer of hope
joy
feeling alive

Even as I write this I feel no sense of direction. And without realising it I felt the need or want to make words float around this post.

No formatting.
No coherence.
No story.

Just
like
my
life
and
my
state
of
mind.

These days, I stare into the sky - mind wandering -

where am i heading to?
what am i working towards?
am i getting there?
when will i achieve what i set out to?
will i even get there?

And it doesnt help that the skies have been grey.

I look at others with eyes of:
admiration and a hint of envy.

I hear the stories of others with:
fascination and a hint of envy.

I am envious of so much in so many and guilty of feeling so.

I am tired of:

Persisting - Chasing - Reassuring myself - Motivating myself - Being hopeful - Being positive
Forcing a smile - Faking a smile - Holding my tears - Holding my fears

But what if I succumb to my frustration and this physical and mental exhaustion?

Will I feel better?
Will anything change at all?
Will I feel happier?

Maybe you will see me as someone who is not thankful for all that I have now, someone who thinks too highly of herself, someone who bites off more than she can chew, someone who is dramafy-ing her life.

And you know what, I might very well agree with you.

For I have high hopes for myself, achievements I want to attain, limits I want to push.

I believe you do too.

Why not?

"But why would you do that?"

Have you ever had this thrown at you before?

I get this all the time. All because I am born a bit impractical, a little of a loose cannon and with very much faith in my intuition/feelings.

There is so much in this world to experience, but why would I do all the things I had done - be it a waste of time, effort, intellect or money?

"Why not?"

I know Pepsi Blue is equivalent to a dose of colouring chemical in addition to sugar and caffeine, oh and the calories. I know it looks like diluted washing detergent with suspicious gas.

But damn does it look cool and limited edition? Damn it sounds cool too. Yes, my health screams no but my palate and cool radar (I do have one) beg to differ. So balancing both out, my body in its entirety is at peace. Imagine if Pepsi decided to not produce Pepsi Blue again, in your lifetime, you would have not ever tasted Pepsi Blue just because you chose to give up that chance. It was right in front of you and it was $2.

The same goes for branded bags. You know, the huge price tags and luxurious shops. Makes you wanna scoff at this materialistic culture and ask why would anyone pay thousands of dollars for a bag when the money could be put to better use.

True - to a certain extent. How do you define "better use"? And would my perception of "better use" be the same as yours?

Honestly, if you could afford it, would you not buy a branded bag? Everyone has different priorities. Say, for me - at this point of time, my priorities are: 1) Family; 2) Savings; 3) Travel; 4) House; 5) Handbags (taking 4 elements as examples). So obviously, I would rather save up my money just in case my family needs help or for cheap airfares to wherever I have never been to and think about handbags last. All because, seeing the number in my bank account grow healthily makes me happy.

So for someone whose priorities are: 1) Fashion; 2) Savings; 3) House, how would having tons of savings but a wardrobe of KMart sales items make him/her happy?

Speaking about traveling - I see people foregoing their travel plans year after year because: 1) they wanna save up; 2) they can't leave their house for too long; 3) they are too busy working; 4) they have no time; and the list goes on.

Before they notice, 10 years would have passed and they would say, "Yeah, we really wanted to travel but we just never had the chance to."

Maybe, that is the truth to them.
But not to me - every single reasons up there - are mere excuses to me.

Expensive? Budget it and save towards it.
Cannot leave the house? A house is a commitment, but hello?
Busy working? Annual leave, Christmas break, Easter break, the many VIP birthdays' holidays in Malaysia.
No time? The sleeping in weekends, the many hours spent fighting with gf/bf, the yumcha-gossip sessions.

What I think is, if you really want to go travel and are willing to devote more time and effort in planning - you will go.

The world out there is so huge with so many countries, cultures, history, architecture, food, languages, oceans and experience to explore. Just being here at this very moment, don't you wanna go out and see the rest of the world?

There is so much you can give up on by thinking, "Why would I . . . ?"

As we age, we let rationale, logic, sensibility and responsibility bury the passionate, curious and spontaneous side of us. Even the desire of trying that $2.80 macaroon from the apperantly best macaroon store in Melbourne make you think, "Awww, but macaroons are usually just $2 and it really just is another kind of biscuit." Then you give up trying the macaroon just because of $ 0.80.

At the end of the day, not only do we forget about being adventurous or excited or passionate - ultimately we forget about how to make ourselves happy.

How I love my weekends

What do most look forward to during the weekends?

For me:

* Food almighty *

Or maybe you can say eating out hehe. From pasta to yum cha to steak to bubble tea - weekends are the prefect excuse to reward ourselves with professionally prepared food.

Seafood risotto at Beachcomber.

Meat lover's pizza at Beachcomber.

Minestrone at Beachcomber - hah, so much for a healthier choice T.T

* Girl's day out *

Gourmet + gossip + girly giggles + gelati = and so much more! The perfect time to catch up and talk about everything under the sun without boys boys boys.

* Breakfast *

I love going out for a big breakfast or maybe muesli with vanilla yoghurt or even pancakes oozing with maply syrup mmm-mmm. What is so good about going out with a group of friends or just your partner for warm breakfast at a dainty cafe is - the endless time you spend chatting over a cup of hot chocolate as the world outside the cafe keep bustling.

*Mini road trips *

It is always something to look forward to even if it is just to a place 30 minutes away.

The time spent trapped in the car means you have no choice but to entertain each other - junk food? Singing together? Talking? Fighting over directions?

* Shiro time*

Pampering Shiro and making up for time we spent getting money and not giving love to Shiro during the weekdays.

* Dressing up *

when else do you get to wear straw hats and floral canvas shoes?

So how did you love your weekend?

Of all places to gain inspiration

I had a long day of going to work in the rain, lugging 8 hours in the office, sneaking in lunch while at my desk, waited 2 hours too long for dinner, took the train reaching home at 11 p.m. totally knackered only to be struck with this thought:-


I want a body like Katy Perry's.

Woot, I'm all motivated and inspired again.

Counting my thanks :)

I was whinging on the phone for an hour so I think it is time for me to count my blessings instead.

Thank you to my parents for raising me from a seed and for being patient enough to watch me flourish. Has it not been for them, I would not be here at this moment - living, breathing, thinking, appreciating, working hard in a land faraway from home.

Thank you to my boyfriend for just being who he is - patient, giving, appreciative, trustworthy, reliable - just amazing. We fought just as hard as we laughed together. We made mistakes just as big as the lessons we learnt.

You know what I just realised it seems like a lot a patience is needed to deal with me sigh. And that there is just too much I have to be thankful for so to sum things up:

Thank you the million stars above for:
- sending me to a family so loving, supportive and closeknit.
- giving me such a good chance at education.
- arranging my meetings with a group of amazing friends.
- calculating so precisely for me to bump into such an extraordinary man.
- granting me an opportunity to build a new start in Aussie.
- giving me one shot at entering the commercialisation industry.
- meeting me with such an adorably mischievious Shiro.
- teaching me to never give up or let anything beat me down.
- granting me a healthy body although the abdominal part is slightly bulgy.

I can't believe I used up one hour of my precious time whinging over one issue in my life when there are so many other bigger things I could have been feeling thankful for.

How?

I don't know what to talk about lately.

Anything you want to know so that I can blog?

Reality vs. imaginary futures from the past

I have always imagined my future ever since I was young.

Before I was 10, my imaginary future was like this:

I would be working in an office of 30 people in Sandakan where my colleagues would consist of mostly female in their twenties. We would go out for lunch together everyday and go shopping on Saturdays at Mile 4. Every night I would go home for dinner cooked by my Mum or even Grandma - there would be soup, 3 dishes and fruits. Tehn we would watch TVB together anad curse about the bad guy in the drama. I would get a boyfriend who works in another office and we would spend every Sunday together with my family eating kon lou min at Mile 4 again, before we go shopping or visit his family at Mile 4 again. Around age 26, we would discuss about getting married and we would. It would be a ceremony back in Sandakan and everyone would be invited. Then we would have two kids - a girl and a boy. And live happily ever after in Sandakan with annual holidays.

Then when I was in high school, my imaginary future was like this:

I would study in KL with my highschool sweet heart and meet people from all over Malaysia. We would endure the tough times of studying and graduating together. After graduating, we would get a job in KL or Singapore. Together we would save money for marriage and family. My family would migrate over to KL/Singapore depending on where I would be. My parents would stay with me after I get married. So every day after work I would go back to nicely prepared meals and freshly showered kids courtesy of my dear Mum. And live happily ever after in KL/Singapore with annual road trips around Malaysia.

Then when during my first year in Australia, my imaginary future was like:

I would get a boyfriend who is kind, dashing and gentleman. We would spend our days in Australia, walking under the sun, travelling around town - without a care of the world. I would go back to Malaysia after that to graduate and to work while he would remain in Australia to graduate and to work. We would be on LDR. I would work in a laboratory and go back to nicely prepared dinners by my Mum followed by strolls around pasar malam after dinner. Before sleep every night, I would call, Skype or MSN with my boyfriend. As soon as I reach 27, my boyfriend would either return to Malaysia or bring me over to Australia. We would get married and have two kids who can speak Chinese and English. My parents would migrate to Australia and stay with us and live happily ever after.

And so we arrived to right now.

Never in the world in my previous imaginary futures had I expected to be:

Living under the same roof with a bunch of similarly aged friends, all of us away from family and pursuing a career here. I thought such a world existed in Friends the sitcom, only.

Living away from home and the luxuries of having dinner prepared for me everynight, no bills or rents to worry about, groceries/laundry done for me.

Living with a dog who is as bratty and mischievious as can be.

Cooking meals as simple as oat with vegetables to as complicated as a failed three tier chocolate cake, every single night.

Chasing so hard after and focusing so much on my career ans aspirations that a family of my own is not on the cards right now.

Having so much ups and downs with my stable partner instead of getting engaged after being together for for years, getting married after being engaged for 1 year and having kids after being married for 1 year - you know, like a static plan.

Travelling all over Australia and to Japan and planning to travel everywhere else in the world instead of saving all my money for marriage and family.

Having to exercise to maintain my figure!! (I was so skinny back then)...

****************************************

Surely, this isn't exactly the future I anticipated for years ago but I can't help feeling contented at the excitement - for the uncertainties, opportunities and possibilities - that I face right now.

Back from the red

I am back from the desert with a tummyful of exotic meat which doesn't seem to be digested as seen from this bulge I am carrying around.

More action from the trip which started with treading on red sand and ended with the befitting movie Prince of Persia - soon!

Now for some beauty sleep coupled with severe homesickness *sob*