Being sexy

There is always an awkward stage during a girl's life - period of transition from girl to woman.



Guys go through voice changes and start displaying their superior hairy-genes and probably think that superb-positively of the changes we girls go through. While they are all for it, little do they realize it is a tough journey for us.



While not all girls go through this, I dare say a lot of us find it hard embracing the changes to our bodies. The extreme would be to hate while the general would just be to feel embarassed.



Before this, we would have no difference (at least in a general physical sense) to boys. I could wear shorts, climb trees, paint mud on my face, bully the neighbour's rabbits and bully other boys to tears - as good as the other boys.



After that, it was not that I could no longer do all these but things were different. My peers of the opposite sex could not view me as the same anymore. I could not view myself as the same anymore. The young minds, thus, began to confuse.



'Funny' little boys did or could do little to hide their immense curiosity. Hence the classic high school jokes and symbols for all things 'the birds and the bees'. Or in St. Mike's case, 'the watermelons and the hills'.



But in truth, girls have their own curiosities as well - just better presented and hidden I guess. Not only with boys (emotional sense, not so much physical, at least for me), but with ourselves. With all the teases, jokes, distractions, information offered by our peers with regards to our physical changes - it is pretty hard to not feel stressed about it yeah?



Anyway, in an attempt to not generalize this to account for all girls, let me put things from my perspective.



I was ultra-embarassed as soon as physical and biological changes emerged. The funny thing is, my abdominal fat problem emerged at the same time, so maybe some of the fat got deposited into the wrong region and hence is destined to remain there forever *tears*



I was always trying to hide these physical changes of mine and to be one of the guys - my closest cousin was a guy and my sister was a guy. So, I would hunch my back, wear only the grandma-est and smallest bras, wear only pants to hide my hips and loose clothes to not show my waist. I would also be appaled by beauty products from skincare to cosmetic - just to show that I am not different and send my Mum blasting through the roof in anger and voice escallation.



When it comes to biological changes, it was like Voldemort - the one who shouldn't be named. I never treated it as something important - but something fussy, troublesome, annoying and better-disappear? Oh yes.



So you see - I did not accept a single bit of these womanly features, what more embrace?



All because? I was too embarassed and inconfident to see the beauty of it.



Let me ask you one thing here, now that we are grown up and handling our period is like watching Korean drama, do you really not see the beauty of our womanly features?



It is time to change the embarassment to embrace.



After going to KL, mixing with women other than my mum who value beauty, reading women and fashion magazines and being able to like the image I see from my own mirror, I'd say - I have come a pretty long way.



Instead of hunching my back, I stand up straight (not that there is much difference in terms of,..you know but!!) while wearing low-cut too *wink* (again, not that there is much difference. . sigh). I enjoy, if not, lurrve buying lingerie - silk, lace, satin, pink, gold, push-up, floral. I just started enjoying, if not, lurrve-ing bikini - blue,white, Roxy, discounted, winter, summer.

I love the curviness of a female body. The softness and slight-roundness of our features - the waist, the face, the shoulders, the etc - just like a delicate peach. I think you get the picture yeah?

Sexiness is always attributed to celebrities with a thousand movies and models airbrushed for a million covers. The truth is, once one embraces her own body and builds confidence - he/she is sexy. This is because sexiness comes from within and is not only sensed visually or projected physically.

Let me share with you my Sexy-List among friends:

Eyes: Preeti, Tau, Vincent, SiewChin
Cheekbones: Donna
Nose: My YiMa, Morna, Melissa
Lips: Lowena (I know, I feel like puking as well), SiewChin
Hair: SiauMan, Glyniss, Steve
Smile: Alya, Jean Tu
Body: Glyniss, Alya
Facial features: Donna, ShinYi (the melancholic feel), Jane (the stare), Juliana (the stare)
Legs: Chloe, Donna, KaeXin
Back: Steve
Walk: Amy (in high heels)
Attitude: JingWen.

Woah, the list is actually quite long.

The conclusion of this story is:

There is something sexy even about me!
(Yeah, this was the whole point of the story haha)

Sexy Fox

I watched Transformers 2 today. Not too good a movie but the slow-mo-running-Megan-Fox-scenes sure were sexy.

Which makes me wanna write a post about sexiness :-)

Stay tuned.

When you are disappointed, here here.

Disappointment was the main theme of my last week. Along with lethargy, disinterested-ness, social-outcasting-ing and excuses to sleep.

There was so much to be disappointed about last week.
Actually, no.
There is always so much to be disappointed about.

The lack of job security after months of floating in uncertainty.

The absence of financial stability leading to part-time/casual jobs here there everywhere.

The friends who, by heart or by mistake, hurt you in ways big or small.

The figure that seems to be losing the winter expansion battle.

The old friends who do not seem to remember to talk anymore.

The boyfriend who seems more interested in YouTube on your gloomiest day.

The future which seems like it is going nowhere.

The dinner that tasted less salty as it should have been.

The blog which seems as much of a deadspace as I-don't-even-know-what.

It is true that there is so much to be disappointed about all the time.
But at the same time, there is so much you can do to not dwell in disappointment.

People always say how nice/true relationships are when we were young, when we would show all our emotions without holding back. Loving, crying, fighting to loving, crying, fighting - in a cycle - to the fullest. Now, we approach each of them - loving, crying, fighting - with caution. Thinking before we act.

It is not a matter of being insincere or being less innocent. We are just more educated/experienced. We know how such actions could potentially hurt others and damage relationships.

Fans were disappointed when Michael Jackson was linked to the much publicised controversies in the later part of his life. I bet Michael Jackson was disappointed as well at how his fans and the media responsed towards him.

The difference between now and then is - Michael Jackson is no longer with us.

All that disappointment claimed by his fans is now regret and guilt.

The truth is, we can all be disappointed at everything in this world at any point of our life. We can blame everyone else for every single bit of this disappointment.

But call me fake, call me insincere - I would prefer to act indifferent towards disappointment. Or if I am strong enough, even avoid being disappointed. I would prefer talking things through despite how hard it is to hold back my tears, numbing my senses or hardening my heart towards emotions, taking a step back to prevent an uglier ending and upholding my pride and dignity to live as me, myself and I.

All just because, I would wanna maintain these friendships, build this relationship and most importantly, to continue believing in people.

A momentary act of rudeness, arrogance, selfishness or just blind fury/jealousy can easily cost you little things in life that are always so significant with regards to regret and guilt. As imperfect as I am, this is the one thing I would like to practice and excel at.

There is so much disappointment only when you allow yourself to be disappointed.

Breath a sigh. Close your eyes. Smile for yourself.

There is so much to be happy about in life.

The speck on sunshine on a gloomy day.

The messy hair sported by the punky girl at the train station.

The hot guy who 'accidentally' held the small of your back while breathing a 'hi' near your ear in a not-that-packed train.

The Betty-Crocker Cake Mix on sale at Coles.

The rumor that Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Cooper are an item.

The new trick to eat Tim Tam called Tim Tam Slam.

The fact that your period is here and bringing away all signs of bloatiness.

The invitation to shopping-at-DFO by girlfriends.

The phonecall from your Mum asking you not to eat pork in fear of H1N1.

If there are a million things to complain about in a day, there must be at least one thing to smile about as well. And after remembering the one thing, I am sure another a million and one thing would flow in.

Picking up the pieces

When life has been greyer than grey, when the future seems gloomier than gloomy, when the turn of events get worse than worse, when emotions are darker than dark, when energy becomes more negative than negative.

Do what you can.

Make use of that little dollop of sunshine.

Splash yourself with colours.

Bundle up your hair.

Continue walking on and on.

Most importantly, smile for yourself and someone.

....Don't dissolve into a matter of greyness along with all the despair and disappointment around you in life.

RIP

What is disappointment when it doesn't even hurt or sadden you anymore?

Is it even just disappointment when it feels numb?

Tough and tough

Going through tough and tough.



The 19th of June must have been the worst and also the best day ever.



Knowing that you feel more for the pain of someone you love than for your own pain - I can't think of a better way to describe love/care. Despite the pain we are going through right now, I can't help but feel blessed knowing that I am indeed loving someone in the most sincere and simple way.



Days ahead will be hard just because they are uncertain, unstable and empty. If you are not that overly-positive to see uncertainties as possibilities (it takes practice :->), at least I will be a constant among all these uncertainties.



This constant is not that sturdy as to be able to shield you from the rainstorm, but will surely be there - albeit weak, broken or helpless.

This constant is not that amazing as to be able to rid you of all sadness, but will surely try to bring a smile to your face - albeit lame jokes, clumsy acts and failed attempts.

This constant is not that strong as to be able to hold you together at point break, but will surely try hard to anchor you to sanity - through human touch, maybe a hug or crying with you.

Things are tough and tough.
You are showing a stronger face.
I am showing a stronger face.
Our hands are shaking.

But we will go through this together.
And that is all that we need to know.

My constant

Life can be so unpredictable.

One moment it is clear and sunny.

The next it is cold and gloomy.

And just like the weather, not everything lies in our hands. As much as I believe that we decide our own future, there is no denying destiny and fate play an important role as deciding factors. In a sense, we take control of our own future by fighting the negative and embracing the positive of destiny and fate.

In a nutshell, we must strive to live for a future we believe in.

It is such a cliche how things you want are always the hardest to obtain or latest to surface for realization in life. Maybe, it is not such a cliche at all, for who would learn to want things granted to them.

I step out of the house for an approximately 1 hour journey to my city workplace.

Work is stressful and workload is increasing but I feel enriched and satisfied knowing that I am gaining the right experience.

I then go for another approximately hour long journey to my second workplace at 4.15 pm.

Work is strainful to the eyes and monotonous but I feel comforted knowing I am earning my own living here.

I work half a day on Saturdays.

Work during weekends is a bummer but I feel glad knowing that I am saving up for the rainy days.

I have been losing weight due to the lack of main meals and exercise.

Losing a few pounds and a slimmer frame were the goals of all my previous unsuccessful diet plans but I feel the need to uphold a healthy lifestyle.

I haven't groomed myself (applying mask, getting a haircut, etc) lately at all.

Grooming is important and necessary in my perspective although time consuming but I am determined to at least put a bit of heart into choosing my outfits and adding colours to my make up.

I have been living on cereal, homemade sandwiches and apples.

The food tastes the same and the presentation is always crumpled but I add creative ingredients like nutella with banana and tuna with baked beans to excite myself.

What I am trying to say is - life is so uncertain, unstable for me right now.

From another perspective - if it is uncertain and unstable, that must mean that it is because I am moving and exploring - not stagnant, not static.

While people always hope for something constant in their lives, do we really need that much constance in our lives?

Instead of that, I only need a few constants in my life who will move along with me through uncertainties - not anchoring me to a web of other constants.

Yes, just that.

Our Surprise Parties

One of the most vivid memories I have of high school is that one time when around 12 of us hid behind Eric's backyard to give him and Steve a surprise birthday party. Steve's was on the 22nd Nov while Eric's was on the 24th Nov - so we had the surprise on the 23rd Nov.

We pretended to have forgotten about Steve's big day and even made him plan Eric's party with us - that must have felt bad haha.

But the plan was foiled when Eric saw SiuMan's head from an odd window sigh.

However, the look on Steve's face when we he saw his name on the cake or heard his name when we sang the song was priceless.

Then there was the time when I was dragged out to QQ Ice for a pathetic dinner for two with my MUM (if boyfriend, then I don't mind) on my birthday only to be welcomed home with hard-to-clean-up confetti and a group of friends with a cake - followed by the soft drinks game and many sick people.

As we grew older - we grew apart physically and emotionally.

Parties have smaller crowds - that is if we had a party.

Birthdays are celebrated in Facebook walls.

Gosh, I miss all those days and every single one of you.

Too fast

I have been living life on the fast lane lately.

Every day sees me leaving for my day job at around 11.30 am (now, 10.30 a.m.) and returning home from my night job at 10.45 pm (earliest). My house became something like a hotel.

I have no time and less energy to exercise, to cook, to eat a decent meal, to dress up, to catch up with friends, to take in what is around me.

I gained a sense of achievement and satisfaction from work but there is much more than that, isn't it?

I should start living while appreciating myself more along with the various deemed as important elements such as career and finance.

Karaoke Beast

My musical senses have always been severely restricted at home.

Head-banging
Mum: "On Ecstacy ah?"

Foot-stamping
Grandma: "You wanna stomp away all of your Dad's fortune ah?"

Feet-tapping/shaking (Along to beat of music)
Grandma: "You wanna shake away all your Dad's fortune ah?"
Mum: *slap thighs*

Shouting
Grandma: "Shouting when there is thunder, you want your mouth to crook ah?"

Watching Glay Live in full-blast volume
Mum: "Wi-wi-wa-wa also don't know what they are singing ah!"

Watching Glay Live in very mild volume
Mum: "Why are their hairstyles like that ah?"

And finally:

Mum: "Hoi, leg cramp or seizure ah?"
I was dancing to the music.

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Hence I am a karaoke beast - which scares everyone in different ways. Ngaum.

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A few of my favourite lives: