FFF

This is a post about the three F's - Family, Friends, Fools.

Apparently these are the people you get funding from if you want to start a business - we shall see!

FAMILY.

Today is my beloved sister's big 26 birthday, Happy Birthday Sis!

I have watched her grow - albeit reluctantly - over the years. From her first poser picture to the very new ones today.

We have stuck to each other and bounced each other off through thick.

And thin. Oh and my drug dealer past. Haha.

I am glad to say that my sister has grown into fine young lady - camwhore expert, KFC loving, make-up advocate, high heels obsessed. In fact I don't find her any different from last time.

Still the same lovable face. Oh but now with the equally lovable loud voice. What is not to lurve?

This is a shout out to you: Happy Birthday! Waiting for your arrival to redeem the lavish birthday dinner and present in July!

FRIEND.

Tshun came to visit me in Melbourne on Sunday and I was overjoyed!!! Max overjoyed!

It has been soooooooooooooooooooo long since I had a high school friend here with me in the lonely lands of Melbourne.

As usual, we talked about stories way in the past, jokes way over their humor due date and future way ahead but seems so near. Nostalgic and gratitude were what I felt. But need not make it complicated - one word is enough: happy.

Went around the wineries in Yarra Valley for the cheapest form of entertainment: wine tasting.

Me: Mmmmm this wine is goood!

Tshun: Wah damn sweet. Just like soft drinks.

Till we meet again under the same vast blue skies.

Or over the same mountain of pasta.

FOOL.

I always think he must be a fool for treating someone like me so kind and with so much love.

I always think he really must be a fool for putting up with my whinings, complaints and cold jokes.

I really think he must be a fool for making me a fool like me so happy through webcam.

And hence these two fools are on LDR again. Which sucks.

It never sucked this badly two years ago and that lasted for a year. How did that happen?

Now I can only sigh whenever I catch sight of the tiny bits of himself he left behind - the dirty pair of jeans, the wiltered flowers, the huge box of bran he mistakenly bought - not really tiny items, after all!

And again - surviving on phone calls, MMS, SMS, MSN and memories.

I must be such fool for writing all this now :(

I am on a sugar and fat ban today.

I have to wear my collecting dust bikini tomorrow to the hot springs.

Anyone who knows of a one-day express slimming, toning and abs defining diet please let me know asap.

Now I have to prepare for the Easter lunch at Yiki's place and BBQ at Marvin's place tonight. Doom.

Defying Gravity

A little inspirational something to send you kids off to sleep!

Shiro

Due to unforeseen circumstances I will have to give away Shiro.

This is the saddest day in my life.

Soothe

My absolute favourite song at the moment.

Rollercoaster

Like I said, life is but a hell of a rollercoaster.

I have been too bipolar to blog properly for the past fortnight (going from depressed to overjoyed in a cyclic manner was baddddd).

So here is a random post about life during the past 2 bipolar weeks.

#1 Girls Night Out

don't you just love it when it is all about dressing up, going out, catching up and eating mad good food?

It had been a while since we dolled up for dinner together, what with everyone busy all the time and me busy don't know doing what!

We were going to an Italian/European place, hence the whole wannabe-Parisian feeling here.

I realise I am at a disadvantage. You see, these are the pictures I took of Ray.

Not too bad, except that the quality of the model is out of my control.

But look at the pictures he took of me.

Eyes closed.

Mouth stuffed.

Tugging bread.

How is this fair? Bought a nice camera just to take pictures of undeserving, ungrateful people! Hmph.

These 2 pictures remind me that we've grown, definitely. . . .

WenJi: German beer are really nice!

Me: Not bitter?

WenJi: It's different!

Me: (See picture)

Then I discovered this cool function in my camera. It is called Colour Accent. It made me ooh-ahh the whole night.

Oh by the way, the restaurant name was Lento in South Yarra. I remember the ambience, I remember the nice company of my friends. . .

And I remember the mountain goat in the middle of the restaurant.

Not so much about the food, though. I remember it being nice, but not bombastic. I could be wrong:

1) It has been too long that my memory is failing me

2) The depressive episodes drained me of my energy to remember

Nevertheless, here are a few pictures of dishes which name I cannot recall! And if they don't make you think, "Wow, your camera is quite awesome!" then it will be good enough if they make you crave for pasta in the middle of the night!

This is my gnocchi with prawns!

Oh and that's it! For the night ended in frustration and geram-ness.

#2 My new housemates (2 of them anyway)

Me: I got a huge blister from my red shoes!!!

WenJi (old housemate, new house): Don't poke it! Let it be, it will heal up naturally!

Jess (new housemate): Poke it with a needle!

. . . and they said it at the same time.

And my frustration ended in a burst of laughter.

#3 I am really really keen on doing something else during my free time.

Not that I have a lot of charity time seeing that FF13 isn't exactly letting me go. But I really want to start something. Something different, something out of the blue, something to pick me up from the doom of routine, something . . .anything.

Ideas I have explored:

1 Start a business (lack: money, experience, idea)

2 Volunteer for a charity body (lack: resources, idea)

3 Study some professional course (lack: money)

4 Travel to exotic places (lack: money, time, sponsor)

. . . so I am back to killing a few monsters a night on my PS3. And feeling flustered for not doing anything useful!

#4 I love reconnecting with old friends.

I have been calling my best pal since when-what-where, Steve, quite often. It is okay that he never calls me (I have to do the calling all the time!). It is okay that he doesn't talk to me all the time (I have to initiate conversations!). It is okay that he always has nothing nice to say (I have to beg him for positive remarks!).

But it is good to have someone to talk to and you know it.

Ohhhh and did I mention Tshun is coming over soon? Can't wait to show him that Shiro is a different kinda cute right now.

#5 I am glad.

My relationship is on more stable grounds right now.

And this is where my rollercoaster ended with me safely back on Earth.

13 sins

My fate was determined one fateful day in March when Final Fantasy 13 was released. Being someone with a high internal locus of control, I carefully avoided all things FF13 for the sake of my bank account, better furniture for my new room and time cost.

But then. I have friends.

I was bombarded with MSN messages asking if I have gotten the game or even started playing it. From people I feel tired of talking to to people I haven't talked to in ages. So I blocked out instant messaging.

And they decided to ask through Facebook. Usually I don't see them so remember me. So I blocked out Facebook too.

And they decided to ask me in person or call just to ask. Whee.

Being the determined and strong-willed person I am, I bought the game.

Wahaha, yeah determined and strong-willed to complete the game mah.

But then you can never please anyone! These lovely friends started to ask - "Why did you buy the game when you don't have the console!?"

Yeah. I got the game before I had a PS3.

Why? Is there a problem? We did the same thing by buying FF10 (albeit the pirated but gold disc (!!) version) before having a PS2, right Dear Sister Lok? (Help me out here!)

So seriously, I am done pleasing all these people. You guys asked me why I didn't get it and now that I've gotten it, you are asking me why I got it pulak (forget the fact I didn't have a console to utilize it for a while hoho).

I shall just sit here and be mesmerised by the PACKING of my limited edition FF13 for PS3!

For a closer look at the grand title.

This is the compilation of soundtrack picked by the composer just for me (!) - one of the many who bought the limited edition disc!

Here comes the real deal - the game ooohhh ahhhhh!

A bundle of delicious graphics.

A hard cover book detailing the world of FF13. Note: hard cover.

That is right. I shall not succumb to pleasing everyone around me by getting a PS3 just for a game. A puny little oh-so-droolworthy and graphically explosive cinematic experience of a game. Neither am I obsessed about this FF13 phenomenon until I sourced three EB Games just to get the limited edition. And to prove this, I shall tear my eyes away from this PACKING of the game and slay some feral mutants in the world of Cocoon.

Opps.

Gotta go, my PS3 controller . . .ergh, no. . . phone is vibrating.

. . . . .see, all because of you guys. I had no choice but to get a PS3. Now is anyone of you going to set up a fund for me or not? :(

Grey

I fell in love with grey.

Last Sunday marked the first day I tried colour contact lenses. I had always dreaded trying colour contact lens due to the mere fact that I was afraid other people would not recognize me without colour lenses. The very same reasons I dreaded trying make-up and colouring my very many years go (obviously this changed!).

I tried the colour grey - as it is closest to black and I am chicken like that.

I have been very disappointed for the past two times when I wore pupil enlarging lenses and NO ONE noticed! They noticed another friend wearing them but not ME! So I was determined to make them notice this time!

But point here is, I was hanging out with Ray only the whole day and he is the most unattentive when it comes to these things. So how?

Take loads of pictures and tell it to his face lorrrr.

I loved the effect of colour lenses. Honestly, the effect is WOW.

I immediately thought I looked prettier! Fairer! Thinner! More toned! . . . . really.

And no matter what I did with my hair, I thought it looked shinier! Softer! . . . . honestly.

I lurrrvveeee colour lenses.

But instead of going all out and wearing them every day, I kiam-siap-ed. And have grown to only look at them longingly.

I decided 9 am that morning that grey was MY colour.

And took pictures of mostly myself in that very hour while being holed up in my room.

Even my cardigan was grey~

The day could not have been brighter and happier. I mean, an instant solution to feeling extra fabulous, toned, fit with shinier hair in a one-stop solution - the almighty colour lens.

What more, stumbling upn my favourite Malay kuih! The last time I had these green deliciousness was 2 years ago in Malaysia and the inti was burnt! So imagine sinking my whiter teeth (effect of the colour lenses) into these green little tender buns and feeling the sugary rush seep into the space of happiness in yourself.

I couldn't have been a better day of grey when I took a picture of myself looking very petite and lady-like with Ray.

And also a very clear picture of an obediently sitting Shiro.

All the good things happened of which I attributed to the power of my new-found grey eyes.

But who would have thought, a smiling smug picture like this one below in my camera's memory card would be followed by a picture like the one further below?

I guess as beautiful as the colour grey is, it still haunts of gloom and despair.

It really isn't the fault of the contact lenses. The way you view the world is filtered by your emotions - not something spoken of in science but definitely proven in every other way. If the emotion is sadness, then all other colours fade into the shade of grey.

It is so funny how one can be totally happy and then utterly sad so quickly.

Even things which usually fills your life with colours - be it people, laughter, chatterings, animals, nature - fall victim to this emotional filter in life.

As if natural, all things assume the colour of grey and fade into the background as negative memories and emotions surface.

It takes time for colours to fill in.

During these times when the most breath taking view doesn't excite and the most beautiful music doesn't touch, you have only yourself, your faith in this life and your determination to see it through.

Tears, for one, is an amazing source of relief. To be able to let your guards down and not force yourself to put up a front - at least for that very minute - can be your one and only cure. It seems to as if cleanse your insecurities, sadness and fear away. Making you feel all vulnerable but strong again right after.

And the sunset becomes beautiful again.

As the colours came back into my life, I felt a sense of achievement of having struggled my way out of the colour of disappointment and insecurities - greyness. Although I know I will somehow find myself stepping into this same mess again and again, at the end of the day the most important part is knowing how to get back up and live to see the next sunset.

Grey was a good colour for my eyes.

Grey is also the loose translation for the name of my favourite band.

But there comes a point where I need to stop it from infecting too much of my life.

I need my colours and I will fight to bring them back one by one into my life.

So what if my whole world is grey right now? It was grey before and I won the fight. This is just another battle I will win.

Tears

Tears ruin your make up.
Tears make your eyes red and puffy.
Tears bring along trembling lips and sobs.
Tears remind of memories attached to previous tears.
Tears make you feel vulnerable.

But,
tears also cleanses frustration.
tears also relieves the pain of pride and 'putting-up-a-front'.
tears also reveal the strength hidden inside.
tears also help us accept the truth.
tears also allow us to feel vulnerable to be able to see more clearly.

The sunset itself wasn't that beautiful when the world you are seeing is tainted with sadness. But, the sunlight from the sunset when seen through tears can be the most underappreciated beauty I have ever known of.

Friends

When I was young, making friends was easy-peasy. Everyone in my class and a few classes away were my friends. Everyone in tuition and around the neighbourhood were my friends.

But as I grew older, it seemed like my list of friends went through a funnel - with a few lost, many drifted apart from and a good few here to stay.

What makes it harder is the fact that making friends isn't as easy as it used to be. With the development of character, personal history and mind - both in others and me - the matchmaking process became more tedious and complicated.

And that is just talking about the end and start of the whole friendship thing - what more the most challenging part, which is the process?

Laughs, fights, parties, tears, security, dependence, disappointment, love, sadness, joy, betrayal, expectation - and every single element memorable in the course of your friendship.

It can be small - like calling someone at the odd 4 a.m. in the morning to yap at him after standing up for him - or BIG - like someone tricking you onto the banana boat and costing you almost you life.

It can be beautiful - like someone driving all the way (considerable far in Sandakan!) to give you the latest Glay album - or ugly - like cutting ties with someone once considered special to you.

And then come the big question - what is a friend?

The people who make you laugh, happy, content, comforted, secure - does this mean they are your friends?

The people who make you angry, sad, disappointed, betrayed, rejected - does this mean they are not your friends?

I would like to think it is more complicated than that.

If I were to regard everyone who made me angry as not a friend, then my first and foremost enemy would be my sister.

Our fights have gone so bad as to me throwing out her stuff from our room (previously shared). But our laughs have also gone so bad as to us pretending to fight in the room just so that our aunt would rush in to scold us.

If I were to regard everyone who made me laugh as a friend, then I would find friends with soles and not souls.

There is this someone who makes me laugh by being there and listening whenever I get crushed by one of the big mean boulders in life. There is also this someone who makes me laugh by springing mean jokes and gossips about others onto the table everytime we meet. They both make me laugh, but only one makes me feel genuinely happy.

In life, we make friends and we make enemies. While both are inevitable, we can only do so much as to try to maximize the former and avoid the latter.

After all, bonds are really so weak if no effort, understanding, care and honesty are put into it.

At the end of the day, I guess there is really no definition when it comes to 'a friend'.

Sometimes fate just points you to that person.
Other times you work hard to make it work.
Most times you just know it after a few late night calls and that person being there, most miraculously, everytime you need them.