Heart Disk (lame?)

Of all the worries in my mind, in my world, in the universe!!

I dun even have time to worry abt my weight, altho it is not like there is anything to worry about, And I expect all of you to agree.

"It is so hot lately. And I can't wear singlets!" said Me.
"Why? Just wear one!" said innocent Su-ee.
I laughed with a tingling li'l hurt inside me.

Sometimes despite not being close as in physically erm, or should I say not realized us being close, and that person actually opened up to you. The moment you feel their honesty and what they are willing to share or entrust in you, is really touching. At least, I feel like you see something in me. Something which made you believe in me and share with me the problems you have.

I just realized there are actually a lot people that share with me their lives. This is hard to put. A friend, can be someone who is just present in numerous chapters in your life.
But special friends are those who shared your life with you.
Left memories, laughters, reminiscence, advices, happiness and moments in your life.

In these people, you can hear the truth in nice ways or in harsh ways! But equally appreciated both ways and everything usually ends with a laugh. A light hearted but lingering laugh. Or if it is started by Amy, might be a lame but repetitive one. After all, Papaya-Pumpkin moment is still deeply carved in my Funny Folder in my Heart Disk.

Along the way, meeting so much people, sometimes I wonder why did we meet? Some of these selected people I wish I had made the effort to know better and maybe, we could have created great moments together! After all some of my random actions have brought in GREAT things to my life! And there are those few which I wish I had never invested in that much effort and hopes. But as you deal with life, LGO. Life Goes On. Lame case again.

Speaking of lameness, SiewChin got the Lame Ques no. 2 I put on my Frenster shoutout, proving that: She is the Lame of all Lameness. Rite? I said so. I said so!

There are few people who I can be really honest to in my life. I have a lot of people talking to me, sharing with me their deepest emotions. But to me it is hard. Lacking of female genes maybe? Ectopic expression of male genes in me? Bla. Genetics babi.

Always wondered why it is so hard for me. And the few I can truly talk to are getting further and further away from me. So much so that sometimes I worry what effect distance can bring to what we share now.

That is why I miss those quiet nights we walked back together to Normanby.
The read-between-the-lines MSN chats we share which seems like craps and arguments to others, and how well you know when I had a problem.
The lame lame jokes you insert in between serious chats with your CUTE accent.
The times we had on our own to talk while you drive that familiar white car.

This family of Heroes is getting smaller. How sad.
I should be expanding this family of mine. So that I can release more.
At least I learnt to let go!

Fake

Some facts are hard to accept but yet remains harder when one keeps hoping.

In this whole wide world, it amazes how two individuals can actually meet. What more being friends, sharing moments together, writing off a part of each other's stories. What more to be family, to share the same blood (er, literally would be genetic material which I am not going to touch).

But other than blood. Is there nothing else we share?

Despite what I see, or what you try to make me see. All over again, I doubt of how true it is. Doubting is not only a torture. It brings guilt and disappointment. Guilt for not being able to continue trusting and disappointment for knowing how fragile everything is.

We have always been so very different. All the time. In everything. But all of us are, I guess. I have always hoped to be able to understand you. Over-confident or high-expecting as I might have been, I always thought I knew you best and had your trust and honesty. But looking back now, it is a bit sad to have to describe all these using past tense.

Should I thank you for giving me this illusion, which seriously made me glad, relieved and proud. Or should I beg of you to continue shielding me from what lies within.

I thought I knew you.
I thought I understood you.
I thought we were as close as ever.
I thought too much.

It is always painful to know that this special person, actually has an inner personality, or alter ego, or desperately-projected image, which I hate so much.

At the end of the day, you and I are different.
Who am I to judge you, but being me, I cannot bear being fake to you.
The way you deceived me.
It does not matter now. Nothing will anymore.

Turbulent week

This week had been a turbulent one! Violently so I dare say!

The first turbulence of cos is due to the ever so lovely way Monash treats me. I don't even need to ask for assignments and every helpful little beings in Monash had them arranged properly for me. And although it is quite a lot, I will only need 2 weeks time to do them, cause that is all I am getting anyway. Don't them as mean, readers! They are kind enough to make us finish EVERYTHING in 2 weeks so that we can go for the exams. Oh, kind kind souls.

The next is the turbulent state my dear room is in now. It is like a heaven of paper~ or more specifically, journals~! Dr Robin would LOVE my place! And look at my dressing table - laptop, wires, webcam, bottles of skincare, PAPER, pens, pencils, tissue paper - my little overflowed treasure chest! Oh where is my lab coat again? But fear not, this shall be the first turbulence I calm as a BIGGER TURBULENCE will ensue on Thursday if I don't. Guess what it is?

The messy state my schedule is in! So messy! So messy! OK, out of words to describe. Erm let's just say, there are due dates everywhere and constant change of dates due to procrastination~ How sweet! It makes me feel important and productive actually. Or should I say, it helps to make me feel important and ease my guilt of procrastinating.

Then there is the networking turbulence. No matter how you try, there are bound to be conflicts in you everyday life~ Family, friends, taxi drivers. Then it makes you feel as if, your whole like is and was never stable. Changes take place everyday whether u like it or not. With changes, come instability, and turbulence. Just have to sort it out one by one.

Then pimples. This is a big big SHAKE to me. I never know what to do with them other than staring at them with intense hatred. Swear to wash up everyday, eat less oily or heaty stuff and keep my hands off my face. To find myself failing all of them very very soon. Sigh, oh well!

My life is turbulent. But so is the washing machine when in action. That means, my life is full of action? Woohoo, that is a better perspective.

Filling the Void

Rite now in my mind is a typical anime scene used to describe - isolation, loneliness, silent desire for help, stand alone situations - hitori. A blue scene with loadsa strangers passing by but none noticing the lead character who is standing among them, with eyes looking afar as though blank, and trying to convey a message across, although expressionless. Usually painted in a yellow hue.

When this small part of the scene is gone, the whole picture glooms.

This is how I am feeling now.

When present, the small yellow hue was never significant enough to be noticed but once gone, its importance is felt.

No matter how small something is, its absence will leave a void.
No matter how little you know a person, his/her departure will leave an empty space in your heart.

Just like when my uncle left me. The heartache was intense. The scar was ugly. Things like this are hard to accept or to get used to. After 2 years, sometimes I have to remind myself that he is no longer with us. Is this the reluctance to accept or have I grown used to it?

But all pain will turn into strength eventually.
All tears will turn into courage I believe.
That is how we grow.

Although the void is there, painful as it is fresh and untouched for now, but with time, memories will fill this emptiness to ease the pain and heal the scar. Just as long as we remember to look forward, a little tears, fear, pain and loss, is okay. Live and believe.