Saturday, December 30, 2006


I dun understand why but whenever this topic comes up I get so stuffed up that I can't control the darkness of my mood, and the obviousness of it on my face.

I hate being looked at as a child. And a helpless one.

Is it because of the significance of my birthdate or is it because of the coincidence of me being the youngest one among several circles of friends? So, no matter what I do, where I go, or...whatever, I am still not taken seriously. Cos I'm just too young.

But hitting 20, isn't it about time that people take me as an adult?
Or at least half the adult I am?

Not that I am self-proclaiming my maturity but there are things in life which I must endure in order to learn. Let's take driving for instance. Hello~ my license's been a decor for AGES! Pushing aroung, puny excuses, empty promises. I hate all these. If you dun wanna let me drive then just say it. Cut out all the crap. I have had enough.

I hate this feeling but then again, I cant control it no more.

Achievement wise, is everything really due to luck cos I am too young to have really any real achievements. There are just so many things I dun understand in this world and getting to where i am rite now is all just a beautiful, beautiful coincidence. Or so they say.

I used to lo9ve being blessed with a hint of luck every now and then. Now, I just hate the fact that everyone seems to be taking a piece out of me for it. I hate being young.

One thing I realized I mind very much. Ever since returning here - to be underestimated.

I am gonna prove others wrong. But for now, I am just so sad to know that I am struggling with this fact on my birthday. Somehow I jus couldnt bring myself to be happy rite now.

Dun feel like talking.
Dun feel like listening.
Dun feel like looking.
Just wanna FF12 and kill a few wolves.

I hate this.

Friday, December 29, 2006

Feeling Happy~

The greatest feeling of all is knowing that someone likes something you did for them. It can be said as an achievement, a little something to be proud of, nah. It's just the gladness that fills you up. How to release this overwhelming feeling? Grin from ear to ear.

In less than 48 hours, I'll be officially 20. I actually have a BIG 2 in front of my age! Sometimes I wonder along the way, all these 20 years, what have I done? Meeting up with some of my ex secondary classmates just now made me realize that a lot of people actually have waled in and out of my life. Some leaving never fading memories. Some just mere shadows lurking around my heart.

I really miss those who I can never meet again. My dearest uncle, who everyone reckons loved me the most. Still remember his voice, his actions, his funny behaviours, his humour, his roughness. When someone means this much to you, I guess forgetting is just not a thing to happen.

Now I dread leaving those whom I will find hard to meet in the near future. After sharing all those time together, going through all sorts of sticky situations, sharing all ups and downs, seing each others' faces practically everyday, all kinds of encouragement, faith and warmth expressed along the way, it is just so hard to let go. Not that I mean letting go in a sort of never-gonna-meet-again-sorta-way, but just it becomes so hard to meet. Much harder to hold back the feeling inside. But I;'m gonna be 20, not a kid anymore. There are times when sacrifices have to be made and to be selfless.

There are so many people who I wish to have around me all the time. And then there are those special ones whom you wish to be by your side at all times.

Finally, those who left without a mark in my life. Cruel but these people's lives became stories, rumours, gossips and so on in my life. Some classmates, some friends, some distant relatives. I wonder where they are now and whether they think of me from time to time. But again, why would they?

But as a 20 year old, I am thankful enough to have everything I have now. A happy and loving family with a crazy sister whom I get annoyed with often. A tight circle of old friends who I can rely on and remain unchanged by time. The sisters I met in Melbourne who made me feel at home in a foreign world while teaching me so much more about life, fun and friendship. It is really special when people from such different backgrounds can surpass all these barriers. To be able to find a very special someone, ..........I get speechless when it comes to him.

I can say that, I'm just happy. I'm happy!

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Wander Wander Wander

Sometimes I wonder where my life is heading. Acting all the time as if I know what is meant for me, what is to happen, what is to expect. Acting needs strength. Being stronf drains your energy. And before you know it, your inside feels emptier than ever.

Despite all the noise from the TV which approaches annoyance, the typing noise from the room beside, the dogs barking outside. Why do I feel like there's nothing around me?

MAybe it's because my aunt and my Teddy left jus now. All the bustling noises and chaotic mornings are now gone and will be missed. Maybe it's cos I feel sleepy but then dread to sleep? Can things be less complicated in my head?

I really want something to look forward to everyday. And to know that I am working towards the right direction in my life. I hate the fact that I doubt so much about everything I am now. I hate the fact that I don;t know anything.

So much stuff in this world I don't know. I wonder if I'll ever find the answer. I wonder if I'll regret anything I did some time in the future. I wonder why I wonder so much! Ergh...again! Endless circles of tots!

Reciprocation is such a funny thing. While trying hard not to show that you care, there is no denying the longing inside you. If only people can be more honest in everything. Won;t this world be much more simpler? I wish I could be honest jus now. Guess I'm still too proud to show my weak side. Honestly, there's not one person so far whom I can really show my weak side to. Do I wanna meet this person or do I not? Another question...