Thursday, June 29, 2006

Just feelings alone.

You can know a person for your whole life and discover that there is no trust between you two. This is a perfectly normal phenomenon especially in today's world where materialism and fight for power is growing endlessly.

Thus, it makes it all more special to find someone you can completely trust and be comfortable with, especially when the time spent together is so short. Quality over quantity? But then again, something like trust is no object and takes so long to build but yet so easy to destroy. So, realizing that I am able to trust someone so deeply after such a short period of time is a bit, unbelievable, amazing and also, a little confusing. But then again, I wouldn't mind more of this happening!

I susprised myself a lot yesterday. It was something I had never imagined myself capable of until then. This is the first time I am feeling this way and also the first time I trusted and opened up to someone this fast. Although it is still a bit funny, it really was one of the best feelings in the world. That was when I wondered, whether up until this moment, every single thing I am sharing with that someone, is because of the feelings inside of me.

I always had a feeling I could trust him in a lot of things.
But then more than ever, this feeling of trust was confirmed yesterday.
More than ever, I am sure about my own feelings.
Glad and fuzzy.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Waiting , Anticipating

It has been so so so so so long. But then finally, the day has come and in about 14 hours' time, I might be teased again. For my hair? My height? Or is there something new? But I don't think
I'll mind! Maybe I have been waiting for it?

Somehow, meeting someone in person is so different from communicating through electronic devices. No matter how close the technology can make you feel, it is different when you see that person right in front of u. To be able to see every crease on their smiling face, the clearness of their eyes, the flickering of their shadow on the empty walls and the warmth of just having them around you. Can technology ever replace that?

Even if it can in the future, it will only be artificial, I guess?

It is funny how someone can occupy your mind that much. When every little thing, actions, object or ....just whatever, reminds you of him or her. When you start stoning with a smile on ur face. When a simple sms or a call, makes u glow. When things go wrong, but u think it'll be fine.

When you are happy.

Can't wait to feel happier tomorrow! Can't wait to feel happier, always n always.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Decoding No. 1

"To be able to be honest. To be able to have endless chats. To feel happiness. All the unbelievable things."

No mater how tough this 2 days is gonna be, I really wanna pull myself together and do the best! But it is really bad when almost all your buddies are done with their torture and you are the only one still in this cruel captivation! Furthermore, yesterday's torture was really really a painful one. Lost 2 Qs! The first time I didn't finish a paper! This is so frustrating.

But then again, optimistic as I am, I think things will be alright! Afterall, bad things never happen all at once! In the mean time, good things do happen.

Last night was great after the huge disappointment with SCI3090. I found out some really nice things that happened without me realizing before this and seriously, it touched my heart. It made me feel so fuzzy inside and happy.

This led me to go and read back all my previous Friendster testimonials and reminded me of all those funny and much-missed times I had! The top 5 memories:

1) When Wan Ru commented that I looked like an ------ in Samuel & Kelvin.
2) Red Box marathon with Chew Bee & co.
3) Badminton then chicken wings with Steve, Choo, Ting, Loong and co.
4) Being taunted for not being able to defeat Ursula in Kingdom Hearts by my sis.
5) Being teased for gaining weight by all of u!

Now that I think of it, it has already been about 4 months since all those happened. I wonder why everything seem so distant rite now. Reading the testimonials seriously made me laugh and miss our times together. Sometimes I really hope that all of my loved ones can cluster in one place and not dispersed throughout the world like it is now. This is a selfish thought, but nevertheless, a tiny impossible dream of mine.

I think only memories can keep our bond strong?
Although memories cannot be seen nor touched, it is strong.
Although electronic communication devices are not abstract, being connected by pure wyres and electricity, means nothing.

I wish.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006


I dread saying goodbyes to people. Especially when it's going to be a long one. This morning, as I woke up and prepared for departure, it required a bit of effort to contain everything inside me. For I dun wanna be like before, although everyone of them had been expecting it from me. But then I knew from way before, that I'd definitely shed a tear or two when I get back.

Unlike the last few days, this morning was kinda quiet and colder. I really didn't crap much! And Bro was also quite serious. For once, he didn't even tease me or try to make me cry. But then thinking back, it must have been more than a year that I last saw him. For now, I dunno when the next time will be. And this feeling is really bad.

It was glad to see YiMa and Grandma so full of life and just like before. Part of my family actually accompanied me here in Aussie for 4 days. For all these while, Aussie had always given me a feeling of isolation, from all ties and family I have. But now, maybe it should be specified to Normanby?

Returning here, I tried sleeping all the way back during my flight. So that I would not think of it. But it is not escapable. On the way back to Normanby, the passing sceneries while I was in the taxi made me feel .....empty. I feel like everything is passing me by. A lot of important things are passing me by back in Malaysia. I feel left out.

Back in my room now. Haha, honestly, I cried...a bit! Not as bad as before. Maybe it is cos of the sudden change?

The few days before had been noisy, gossip-y, busy, filled with laughter, in a small, crammed apartment, had YiMa, Grandma & Bro who I could always cling on, inside jokes, feeling loved and committed to something. All sunny, warm, pancakes, beach, butterflies and strawberries.

But now, in my room it is empty, cold, silent, still, lonely, nothingness, only my blanket, only a phone, filled with memories too good to be true and homesickness. All tears, greyness, crappy and filled with depression.

This makes me feel very dependent and weak. But then, I really couldn't help it. I am sure this feeling will fade away soon enough. It is always like this. I just need to fill my days with business and no time to dwell in my memories. Afterall, I will be seeing everyone again soon enough.

Maybe I shouldn't have came over here? If I didn't, I would regret it dearly.
For now, this is just a phase I have to go through.
I miss every single thing back in Malaysia.
But I will also miss every single thing in Aussia soon enough as well.

Friday, June 9, 2006

It is not that far

Hm... while it is only 2 hours of flight away only. Within the same country. With lots of wireless communication access. Somehow, it feels like verything is so far away.

Although now that I am once again reuniting with some of the closest of my family members here and laughing and joking. Somehow, it feels like some of my closest person are far away.

Eventhough, it had only been a day, actually not even 24 hours. Somehow it felt like it had been quite long already.

Some things are not near to me rite now. Somehow, it feels like there are hints, glimpses and images of them everywhere.

Sometimes it feels like I am on some drugs or something. Hm, addictive drug that fills my everyday and mind. Making me so much more addicted to my handphone and stuff. Guess this is the drug which can cure all? Making you geram, happy, dumbfounded, blur and at times, stupid, often in the course of a few hours!

I'm in Brisbane now, is it that far?

Wednesday, June 7, 2006

Talking Talking Talking

Today I realized a few new things about myself and of others. Despite being 'me' for ALMOST but NOT YET 20 years, I am actually an easily-induced-to-be-shy person!

As all of you might have known, shy has never been a problem to me! Rite, Steve? But then it is funny how small and seemingly insignificant actions can make me blush so badly. Just like a chain reaction, what follows are the infamous slight scratching of my head. Stuttering for words. Blurness. Stupid unwipable smile.

And other than that, I am usually quite smart! Agree please, people. But then somehow, my smartness is downgraded to blurness (yet again!), slowness, dumbness and embarassment. Probably this is due to the overpowerment of other external factors which are worth mentioning, but better kept inside! Hm, I'll definitely find a way to overcome it.

Eventhough, feeling blurred, at times shy, occasionally scared, somehow stupid-looking and being slightly teased, the hours can fly by real quickly. This is because there are other things that overshadows all these. Maybe the word 'happy' sums up everything?

Talking. Talking. Talking.
Might be just meaningless random topics.
Occasional doses of honesty and opening up.
Majority of teasing and me playing victim.
Grins, smiles, smirks, laughs.

I guess what makes me 'happy' is very simple.

The feeling of knowing someone better and enjoying every moment of the process while liking the result more.

Writing enables me to truly convey everything in my mind without any obstructions or being held back. That's why I love blogging. Hm, but then the word 'blog' somehow became a sorta taboo word for me, as of tonight. Whatever it is, I'm gonna blog everything here! Not scared of taboo~

Saturday, June 3, 2006

Young Love Fantasies

When I was young, maybe due to the influence of TV or whatever, I used to imagine a lot about my future partner. There are a few qualifications, vows and little memos I made to myself, which thinking back seems a bit childish but funny now.

I love flowers but then I didn't get the fact why it's always roses that were given as a symbol of romance. Sure they are pretty and spells romance, but then isn't it a bit stereotypical? That was when I made a little decision that in any point of my life, when a guy gives me the flower I have in my mind, he'll be a special one. This flower had been on my mind since then, but till now, none received. So I guess the one is not here yet? Hehe...

There was another phase of my life where I was obsessed with Westlife. Ok, a confession this is..... I was obsessed with Shane Filan. I loved his voice so much that I sang to him every single day and thus, developed my man-ly voice. Then from this, I wanted a guy with a nice voice. Not as in singer-nice voice, but a voice that can calm me down from all the chaos in life.

Then there was the period where anime and mangas filled my everydays. From there I began to develop all ideas of what I wanna do with my future boyfriend. Sometimes I'd just daydream away on how I would meet him, get together and live happily ever after. There would be smiles all around. I was really anticipating all these.

After all these thinking, it made me realize that, innocence always makes the picture so much more happier and easier. Now, it is so hard, or even impossible to view things this way.

I guess that's why I adore Onizuka that much. To be able to act on your own and not held back by consequences.

Right now, I still hold on to some of the stupidity of my younger days. I still believe in the flower thing. I still fall for guys with a nice voice. I still daydream about my next relationship. The only difference is, while I don't really wait for it to happen last time, now I am waiting for it to happen. Because as you grow older, things never get simpler.

Right now, everything around me is like an illusion still. An illusion of happiness and hope, which i am hoping for it to solidify soon. Whether it is beyond my power, I really dunno. But at least, at this moment I am sure that that is what I want. And at later moments, I will have nothing to regret.

When a single sms, a simple chat, stuttering conversations and endless thoughts are filling ur days, you know what is happening.

Friday, June 2, 2006


I am experiencing happiness, giggles, surprises and dreaminess lately. And though it feels confusing and troubling sometimes, the feeling is great and is what I have not experienced in a long time. Somehow, it just fills the emptiness of everyday life where everything passes you by and without much notice, you are lying on your bed, with a feeling of nothingness. At least now, when lying on my bed, there is something for me to think about and smile of.

Hoping that things will solidify into something I can grasp with my hands, I keep hoping that what I see now is not transient but something I can hold on till the end of time. It is pretty naive to think of such happiness to last that long, but then is hoping wrong? Without hoping so, where is the heart and determination to realize it?

I wish days like this will last forever. Actually, I wish days like this will solidify and thus, last forever.

Simple happenings such as the arrival of a short message, a 2 hour MSN chat, a simple smile, some meaningless teasing, flooding thoughts of sweetness, the anticipation to (finally) meet and the warmness you are reminded of when you sleep at night. These things are so so simple. But yet, so meaningful to me. And the happiness it brings, is unimaginable.

Now, I just hope the second (finally!) meeting will be a good one, and please don't make me mess this up!

With the exams approaching I guess a lot of people are stressed but then please don't ever dwelve in it. Just like quicksand, stress pulls you into more sorrow and depression. No matter how hard it is, try to see it as a very momentary feeling and problem. After all, every stressful perios has its end and with its end, is a new begining of fun and laughter (holidays!). So, while stress is evil, it makes the subsequent reward, much more tastier!

All the best to all these lovely friends of mine who'll be having exams with me! Let's greet each other with good news as soon as possible!

LAtely I am really into B'z, honestly I think the singer (Koshi Inaba)'s voice is really special and versatile! I found one of his solo works, Suiheisen on youtube and has been addicted to it since then! It is so calming. And in terms of versatality, try listening to B'z's Banzai! He's like super energetic! Almost can match with my TERU. Almost~ TERU's still no. 1~

Suiheisen - Koshi Inaba - check out the transaltions for the lyrics too.
Banzai - B'z - super SYOK song!
Ocean - B'z - very nice as well~