Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Blurness actually did it?

All about being courageous and brave, in the end blurness did it.
All my life I'm gonna be this blur?

One lesson I learnt from this is to always do every single thing AWAKE. Or else, you'll jerk up suddenly from your sleep, refresh on what you really did, feel butterflies all around ur body and rush to shower for 30 minutes as a WAKE UP call.

The feeling was utterly unimaginable. Anticipation and hope (as quoted from *someone*). Fear and guilt. Dumb and blur. Anxious and teary. Shaky and excited.

Literally made me walked around my room, doing totally unnecessary things. I folded clothes which were already folded. Arranged my books which were not really messy. While my mind was lost!

But then, I was glad the outcome was not bad. You can say that it was the answer I was hoping for. That's why I am glad. So glad.

There is a sense of happiness, and also fear. Looking forward but also at the same time, fearing the uncertainties and unknowns in the future. How long can this moment take me?

I don't wanna think about it now. For now, at least, I am happy.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

So Close.

I was this close to doing it.

Unpredictably, the surge of courage really flushed inside of me, along with anticipation, fear and cowardice. But yet again, everything was disrupted by a phone call. And by the time, the call ended, it was already too late.

Is this fate and that I should accept it?
But if I accept everything as fate, is it rite for me to sit around doing nothing but wish?

Now, there's a sense of regret, but at the same time relief that I didn't do it.

But then, I promise myself that the next time he initiates a chat with me, I will do it.

Cause, hiding the feeling which I can't stop from growing inside me, is too tough.

I want an answer. I might be scared. I might get hurt.
But in the end, I will not regret.


Saturday, May 27, 2006


As soon as I woke up this morning, I have been flooded by this feeling of uneasiness inside of me. It was so strong that all other emotions, sadness, fear, hopefulness and even stress, are forced out of me. In this small body (or gradually enlarging body) of mine, I wonder how long this this emotion is gonna be suppressed. Along with the secret, which is becoming more of a burden.

There is the sudden decision to tell everything. For I felt that if I don't do it now, I might regret later. Or would I have thrown away a chance? Is it really the right thing to do? Can I really accept the result of this, no matter what it is?

But as sudden as the decision came, it was also that momentary my courage was. After an hour, being more awake and having filled my tummy, that little courage of mine is again, buried too deeply inside me. Still looking for it.

I am an optimist, still. In this situation, I can only see myself envisioning a happy ending. So, am I prepared for a hard fall? I hope my optimism can support me till then.

Maybe its is of all these confusion and uneasiness lately, that I came to really like this piece of music playing now. Somehow, it gives a soothing feeling.

In the begining it feels like it is expressing how uneasy and scared I am. After that, in the middle it told me that eventhough the worst thing might happen and I might fall and hurt myself hard. In the end, it expressed that no matter what, there is hope and to not be afraid to stand up again after the fall. That it is fine to fall and be sad, but only remember that everything will be fine in the end. I'll be OK.

Little things like this make my day.
Maybe somehow, someway, someday, I'll really be brave.


At this moment, I really don't know what I should do, or what I want to do.

While dreading the thought of myself believing too much of fairy tales, waiting everyday for my prince come and expecting a happily ever after ending, I found myself to be really helpless, powerless and cowardly. There is this struggle in me to break from all the fear and indecisiveness, and to be able to express all my feelings to the one I am thinking of.

As much as I want to or as much as I visualize myself as a girl brave enough to see him in the eye and tell him all I have kept locked in my heart, there is the feeling that I could never do that. For, as soon as that image assumes in my mind, what follows will be the amazingly starry night, romantic background music and all the melodrama..... Back to my fairy tales again.

The longer you keep, the heavier it gets and the harder it is to be expressed.
The more stubborn one is, the more lingering the feeling is and the harder the fall will be.
The more uncertain it is, the more confused one becomes and the more sorrowful the journey will be.

I know cause this is what I am feeling now. But still, I don't know if this is what love is.
But then again, is love ever a definable term?

To let a single sad love song trigger all sorts of uneasiness inside you.
To let small memories of him and you, make you grin to yourself.
To be anxious when you see him on MSN, get his sms or calls.
To find him in your thoughts always.
To forget about this feeling only when occupied.
To find your room really quiet and cold.
To wish for him to be by your side before you sleep.

I really wish I could gather the courage to be the superhero I always hope myself to be like, brave, straightforward and strong.

Although what I want to express is just feelings.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Clearing up!

My path is clearing up as I approach the real beast.

Or, in plain words, my assignments are clearing up as the finals approach.

Although it seems like there are so much assignments to fuss about and so much studies to stress about, somehow I still feel very positive about everything. I do get stress-pangs, but then they are really temporary....say, 10 mins? I dunno whether this is a quality in me or a weakness!

Being optimistic is always refered to as a good thing. But then, being an optimist myself, I'm not sure if it is all that good. To have the tendency to laugh things of, to joke about myself, to see the bright side of everything, to create hope for myself and to always see the good side on people. It seems like sunshine, even through the thickest clouds.

But then, is optimism, just an evasion from reality? To forget about problems by laughing it off, to escape sadness by joking about ownself, to hide from the dark side of things, to believe in illusions as hope and to protect myself from the cruelty of people. It seems like the sun hidden by the dark clouds.

So, as a conclusion, is this optimism in me just another form of cowardice?
But then, without this element, inside of me, will I still live on as happy as I am now?

Lately, I realized that there are a lot of illusions around me which gives me momentary gladness. For example, I love looking at my elongated shadow underneath the sun. It makes 'me' look so much taller and slimmer. It always makes me grin a little. Small things like this sometimes, can make my day. Guess, this is the advantage of being an optimist.

If optimism, makes me happier everyday, then I don't mind the courage I might lose because of it. In this short life, I guess, happiness is the most important.

But am I willing to chase for my own happiness?
Where is the courage to do so?

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Japan Festival @ BoxHill

Today was a much anticipated and exciting day for me! Japan Festival! But still I ended up waking up late. Just merely 30 minutes to prepare for my BIG day! Why is it a big day? FYI, loads of Japanese guys there, okay? Straight-forward! Hehe..... But guess what? All my opportunities were 'cut' by evil MojoJojo. Will never forgive him.

I went with MojoJojo, Amy and Olie, and as usual, Olie was only 40 minutes late. But then, we got to eat a lot more than her! The list of things I ate: Yakitori, dorayaki, Japanese Curry Rice, Senbei, Takoyaki, Calpico and sushi! Reminded me of pasar malam tho...with all the stalls there and the noisy crowd. REally miss my pasar malam nights with my dad.

Then the performance part! The bands were not all that good... But they sang my favorite song~ 3 Gatsu 9 Ka! The first bit was a BIT off tho, but then it was bearable. Then, currently one of the songs they played is sticking in my mind - Morning Musume's ....er, dunno the title! Why? Cos it was sang by the guitarist of the band who was so super cute! Confession - He really made me happy, though I didn't even get to see his face upfront!

Haha, but then in my heart there's only one person (Quoted from MojoJojo). Haha.

Sometimes I wonder what jokes are for. To make others laugh or to hide my pain? Pretending to be brave or admitting to be cowardly? An attempt to brighten up the room or a failure to shun the gloominess inside me? But then, I still like to joke. When others laugh at it, somehow I wish for the laughter to reach me. I really wish for happiness.

Everything in this world exists in such a dilemma manner. While hoping to be one thing, we can't help thinking of the other alternative. I am so tired of thinking............of everything.

I just want something very simple.
I want my family to be around me always.
I want my friends to be happy and to be always by my side.
I want someone who will love me and bring sunshine into my life, thereafter.
I want to live in a little house filled with warmth and togetherness.
I want to be greeted by the smell of roses everyday.
I want to have someone I can trust and rely on.

Somehow, I am here in Australia, studying and going thru everyday repetitiously for a degree. I wonder if what I am doing now, at this moment, can lead me to any of my wishes.

I guess, in this complicated world, people will realize that their wishes are simple after all, in the end. For now, we are still blinded by .......the cowardice to be different.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Wendy's Birthday Bash~

After almost 15 hours outdoors, u can feel ur whole body totally exhausted. And every single cell in ur body refusing to shower.

Miss Wendy cooked so much nice dishes for this party and honestly, I really appreciate it! All the effort and attention to details! My favourite dishes among all? The FABULOUS cheese cake! The FAMOUS brownies! The MUCH-MISSED curry chicken! And yet again, my diet plan was foiled. But rest assured, Gym-Queen will repossess me tomorrow.

This is a pic of me, Wendy, Olie, Amy and Raymond! The other one is a group pic we tried so hard to squeeze in!

But I woke up today with a bad hair day and since the first moment I saw myself in the mirror, I already assumed today to be a BAD day for me. Having to wear a cap the whole day sounded like a pain to me. But then, yet again, unexpected things do happen. The cap actually brought me luck. And recalling what happened, it actually made me grin to myself on my way to lecture. But then, I still fell asleep in lecture!

And I officially have extraordinarily thin fingers! Today no one could fit into my ring! I hope this applied to my waist instead...... sigh. But then we took quite a lot of pictures tonight! I love taking pictures.

So much so that, pictures became a capture of a memory to me. Somehow, thinking of the fact that I would be leaving Australia and everything I have over here, pains me. While hoping to return to all that I love in Malaysia, I dread detaching from all that I just committed to in Australia. Thus, every single picture, resembling a memory, I hope for it to act as a bridge, connecting me forever with all that I had to let go in the form of a memory that will never fade.

On these cold nights, I really hope to have someone I can call a family here. Someone I can talk to endlessly. Someone who can offer me a hug to neutralize all my worries. Someone close to me, physically and emotionally. If he is really out there somewhere, I wonder what he is doing rite now?

Should one always believe in a dream when reality is passing by them?
A waste of time or investment in hopes?

Tomorrow gotta be early for Brandon Park again! Grocery shopping!

Thursday, May 18, 2006


And yet again, the serial blogger has started again. But this time I swear it's to last. I can't believe just a simple message from Steve about PoHwa's blog tempted me to blog all over again. Recalling the fun and relaxation it offered me during my rollercoaster-like first month here in Melbourne, I kinda miss this old friend of mine. So, g'day pal.

Glad to tell all of you guys that life is getting better here in Melbourne and .................more distracted, btw! The first month, I must have been a terrible pain to all of you! Always complaining, always sulking and always annoying all of you! Here, I sincerely say, 'Thanks! .........n serves u rite!' Haha, miss y'all!

Fortunately, I met some very very nice friends here! And because of this, eventhough winter is coming and pimples are growing, I feel all warm and happy inside! Thanks for all the advices, help, support, jokes, craps, lame jokes, coffee and cake nights, parties, laughs, outings and the list goes on...... Really really appreciate y'all!

Guess what? I had a great, great night! Filled with entertainment from lame jokes, fun company and SOMEONE's embarassing incident! Wahaha, now I cannot look at RuO and Raymond's face without laughing! Although it was just a 4 hour Chadstone trip, it was a really happy one! We not only found a nice present for dear Wendy's borthday tomorrow, but then we also ate EXTRA KAH LIU meal and I ate a ChinDui! Tomorrow, is gym day again!

Hm......come to think of it. Unexpected things do happen. As the old saying goes, the more you wish for it, the more it won't come, this has become pretty true. But then, what bothers me is the fact that why this always happen everytime I am on the brink of giving up?

Then there is Teru singing, 'If we doubt all our dreams and throw everything away now, can you say it is the right thing to do?' But then again, I still couldn't find the answer to this question ...............or the courage to seek for it.

I'll be going on a ski trip soon! Can hardly wait! It's gonna be fun~ One thing I did not regret for sure since coming here, is the Easter Camp. Can't believe how much nice people I met there. Grinning now, just thinking of all u guys!

I am currently chatting with Amanda.....! The cute little puffed princess back in Malaysia. It makes me wonder whether this technology I am using now is a blessing or a curse in disguise. While being able to connect people despite the distance, it also made people less enthusiastic for human contact. Can hearts really be touched or sincerity shown through wyres and a computer screen?

That is why despite all the talks and chats, I still miss everyone.