Monday, April 30, 2007

Door of Youth

Lately I have been addicted to Ikimonogakari. At first it was the vocalist's voice, fragile yet leaving such a strong impression. Then it was the melody, catchy but not in a pop-ish way, strong in an endearing way. Then finally, the whole thing is complete. The lyrics are just amazing. This is one of my favourite songs from them and the words behind portrays my current feelings too well. So well that, it eased my fear.

The Door of Youth

An unopened door
Looms before us
Wanna take a look inside?
This is our future, an unfamiliar world
~ I am scared of the future for its uncertainties but curious for all its possibilities.

I’ll give you the key
Make all your choices with that hand
Take a step, it’s OK
The fear in your heart will become “strength”
~To be given the key is like to be given the freedom to make decisions on your own. Which it turns out, is a scary thing to do. But gradually, we will learn from mistakes we make. Then, the fear will become strength.

La la la, la la la, the bells ring out
Telling us when we’ll be reborn
We can be strong, see
Open the door of youth
~ Accepting your future and all it has coming for you, is the first step to being strong.

Take one step, then two
Our path is just beginning
We can look back
When we’ve reached our destination
~We can always take baby steps, as long as we are going forward. It is also implying that we should believe in attaining our dreams, and until then there should not be hesitations or doubts (as in looking back).

Throw away your predicted map
And make sense of things with your own eyes
If you reach out your hand, you can take it
The hesitation in your heart will become “power”
~There is no use in living life as directed by others. Live according to what you see, what you feel, what you want, what you believe in and who you are. Although this path is harder, but surely it will give you power.

La la la, la la la, the bells don’t stop ringing
Telling us when we’ll wake up from our dream
We can be strong, see
Open the door of youth
~ There is always a time when we need to stop dwelling in dreams and to take action.

La la la, la la la, the bells finish ringing
Singing of the time when we must set out
We can be strong, see
Open the door
~ There will be a time when you realize, on your own, that it is time for your journey to begin. To open the door a whole new world in your hands.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Pandora Box

It is often bad when you trip and a ladder falls over you. Then a barrel. A pot. A LOT. Add a pickpocket into this scene too.

I am easily overwhelmed by the buildup of little problems in my everydays. Laptop complications, handphone malfunctioning, assignments heaping up, renovation headaches, internal conflicts, brain dead sessions, bloated mornings and even, bad hair days. All these small petty matters. It is really a wonder how they can break me. Sometimes.

And with this, my favourite jokes, smiling face, carefree style and talkative side, seem to be this protective shield I devised over the course of growing up, protecting my weak inside from breaking. Just like the pandora box, I dun wanna pour out of me insecurity, doubts, painful memories, fear, cowardice, loneliness and despair. Let my shield continue emitting a halo of positivity and happiness.

Everyone is a pandora box i think. One cannot grow without facing any negativities in life. These are in turn stored safely inside our hearts. This little pandora box is in me as well.

If opening up this box releases all these burdening elements inside of me, I would not think twice about it. But like all things in life, there is always a catch. These devils released from you, will reside in the pandora box of your closest ones. Adding on their burden, and possibly weakening their protective shield. In the end, does this not add guilt into ur box? Or even pain?

As in opening the box, locking it with a thrown away key, will not bring much good either. The space is limited. The protective barrier is of limited strength. When negativity accumulates, its force will grow and this pressure can break the toughest locks for the box. What ensues will be the slow destruction of the shield from within. So, always learn to release these monsters from your Pandora Box once in a while to understand them, face them and tame them, before returning them into the Box as a less destructive entity. Or best of all, convert them into a component worthy of being part of your shield.

The pandora box is a mysterious thing. So strong and yet so fragile. So true but yet so misleading. So common but yet so unique. So important but yet so dangerous. So 'me' but yet so 'us'.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Angels among strangers

Time can change a lot. Friendships, relationships, people, personalities, mindsets. Sometimes, the temporal effect is so huge that it becomes scary. As you feel more remote from everything you thought you had.

It is selfish to say that I don't want anything to change. Just for my own sense of security and comfort, I will be suppressing growth in others. But, selfish or not, it is not like it is in my control. So, what more can I do than to accept and move on?

I wish the times when laughter is out of pure happiness, words fill conversations instantaneously, small actions trigger chains of giggles, the mind is of sweet memories, planning trips seem satisfying enough, sadness is healed by a simple smile and security becomes a warmth which envelopes you. Never mind the cold winter wind and the long wait for the bus.

Don't expect things to be easier as you grow up. Knowing this, expecting this, dreading this, totally unprepared for this. Sometimes, I escape into a fantasy world of pure everythings through a movie of pure brotherly love, which never fails to make me tear. An excuse to release some lava from within me. Never allowing myself to burst.

Changes are usually terrible when yet unacceptable. Accept and peace to all.

But this gave me an insight into things as well. Helped me identify the few angels in my life. Gave me countless moments of thorough happiness. Allowed me to feel at peace with myself. Showed me a better side of life.

It is hard to survive in a world where lies are so closely knit to the truth. Despite the surface showing all sorts of kindness you wish to believe in, it is just too painful to doubt of the truth behind and more so, when it just breaks away as an illusion. Yet again, I am not content with holding on to an illusion. But, if this continues, will I end up giving up my faith in the good of people?

This is a dangerous world we are living in. Walking on thin ice, we grasp on to the hands of others, hoping to find one which will never let you go. Along the way, there will be not-meant-for-meetings, cruel encounters, sad partings, destructive relationships, heart-breaking friendstips and cold strangers. But, these are what makes you treasure your angels more.

I believe I do learn out of every wound I am inflicted in my life.
I believe the optimistic child in me is still holding on strong.
I believe it is never too late to live stronger.
I believe there is good times waiting for me.

Cause, I believe in my angels.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Resisting the Mainstream

It is easy to just follow the mainstream, gain that sense of affiliation, and be part of the BIG family.

But it is also hard to have to struggle with your inner child daily to force the change of mindset so suddenly. Because the 'child' knows not what peer pressure is and can readily show his/her true colours.

This part of me almost left me today. But I managed to convince it to stay just in time.
I am glad to say that I managed to stay myself. Yokatta.

It is important to have something you believe in. It helps you through the day, makes your everyday worth living, calms you in times of chaos, allows you to feel strong, gives you confidence and grants you identity. Afterall, what is identity when you follow blindly.

But that is not enough, you have to grasp your belief. With determination, an unwavering stand, confidence. This is the hard part. And when things did not go your way despite all this, look into the whole matter again.

At least, it is you yourself who made it through in the end.
Not a 'you' with someone else's mind and soul.

Another point to remember is to keep those important people around you who brings you back to who you are at these weak moments. They are for the keeping and to be appreciated.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Funny feelings that linger.

I can speak of a lot of things. Make them funny, make them dramatic, make them lively. I enjoy seeing the reactions of people after that.

But why are there words which could never make it out of me? Most of the time being words which have been harboured long in my heart. Wanting to express, never able to. Anticipating but yet slightly scared of the response for it. I figured that the more I wanna convey these words, the harder it gets. The harder it is, the more true it is. So true tat it can be called the naked truth; fragile and precious. That is why it is so hard to part with these words. They might have become a part of you.

Despite saying all these, I guess insecurity plays a part as well. Not knowing of what the future holds. Taking one timid step at a time. Hoping for the best. Getting to each of ours' destinations. I feel so insecure.

Always one who likes to know what is going on. I find it hard to live plagued by issues of insecurity. Scared of being in the sea, being carried from the ground and so on, I have always been uneasy with the thought of not having my feet on the ground, not having something I can hold on to or just not knowing where I am. What more, now I feel like I am lost amidst an endless flow of shadows. Shadows of time. Shadows of people. Shadows of memories.

I wonder if time will pass me by. Along with this, memories of me. I watched in a movie before, a girl who was afraid of being forgotten, asked for her picture to be taken. She felt like pictures can last forever. Which is partly true. Cos instead of really lasting forever, a picture can evoke a thousand memories and along with it, emotions. Other than that, unlike memories, pictures are objects which we can see, touch and own. How insecure am I to think of it this way.

Somewhere out there tonight, I wonder if any of the people whom I have not met with thought about me. If time can really fade away everything, I wonder how much time I have to halt this. Really, I wonder if there's really anything I can do.

Time, memories, insecurities, cowardice. All the elements which make our journey much more meaningful. Not to survive, but to live a life.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Draw until the intestines

When you get a hidden meaning, it is meant to be 'hidden'. But somehow I realized a young, naive, cute diva who makes REVEALING her biggest mission for all time. Triple Sweat.

But no matter how hard I deny it or how desperately I try to hide it, there is some kinda strange and at times, funny or STUPID, understanding between me and this princess. I mean, I never really made your conclusion a point in my last entry. How did u know?

Partly glad, partly not. Cos I always assumed u to be the more retarded of us two. Seems like my level is actually near yours. I am sinking.........

It is really great when you have people you actually can connect to. No matter how stupid the topics are, you'd be able to enjoy a great laugh together. Waste of time? Definitely not.

A simple wink.
A small hand gesture.
A random word.
A roll of the eye.
An idiotic smirk.
An eye signal.

They can mean a lot. To you and me who are connected!
Remind me of all our inside details all the time, pls!

Sunday, April 8, 2007

Sen Lin Choi (New Year Fortune)

Why is it always the hardest to accept ourselves as who we are?

While we struggle with all the weaknesses we identify in ourselves.
While we hide true intentions which would supposingly do harm to our image?
While we conceal little desires or wishes just to gain a sense of affiliation in society.
While we fight the urge to be ordinary and just to fit in.
While we deny soft spots perceived as deficiencies within us.
While we forget the gentleness life offers as we battle for surival.

While we lose our identity among the faces of millions of strangers.

Sometimes, I look at you. And I wonder, whether it is of hidden rage, teenage confusion, cover-up of lack of confidence, affiliation seeking, or ...I dun even know. It is not something wrong, nor is it right. It is not something angering to me, nor is it disappointing. Not upsetting, nor frustrating.

Disturbing. Unsettling. Worrying.

As I see a different face of you in front of me, and in front of your friends. I came to realize, close as we are, I don't know you at all. I wonder during your countless blog entries what was going through your mind. I wonder if your choice of words really reflected your state of mind, or was it just for the sake of it? I find myself, uneasy, everytime your blog starts loading. Then disturbed after that.

It confuses me. I think i know you well enough. More than anyone else.

But often, I feel like I dunno you at all after the blog sessions.

The truth is, I think I know you. You are not accepting yourself.
I have gone through this before so it is easily understood that this phase will soon be over.
But hasn't it been dragged too long already? Honestly, it frustrates me to see you still at conflict with yourself.

Stop conflicting with yourself. Confused, lost as you are, be tough and find ur way out. Be brave and make the decision to escape from the 'fit-in' shortcut. Be unique, be special, be yourself. Surely things will be harder when you break away from the stereotype, but it will be worthwhile.

Once you can be at peace with yourself, life will be viewed in a whole new perspective and lived with a whole new philosophy. Bitter memories will serve as lessons, not burden, while sweet memories will add meaning to life, not transient happiness. Believe me.

Knowing you are not someone like that, embrace all you are.
Recognize yourself as unique, and not just one of your friends.
Express your feelings from deep inside, and not just as a mask that flatters others.
Never hide your dreams, desires or wishes just because it'll be uncool to others.
Believe in what you have got, and make the best out of it.
You can make decisions, and make others follow it out of respect for you.
Dun give up as an attempt the minimize the feeling of disappointment or frustration which might entail.
Think of everything yourself, never blindly travel behind others.
Stand out, stand up. It is time already.
This is your life, live it the way you want.

You are better than you perceive yourself to be.
Stop acting like one of the others.
Surely you are more special than that.

Life does not go on forever, so make it shine.
This entry I dedicate to you.

Monday, April 2, 2007

Orange Days!

It is such a shame but people do grow apart given the time and distances which are parting them. The present usually taken granted for. The past longed for. The future anticipated of. As time goes by, thoughts of ownself increase. So much so that, sometimes memories are less re-visited.

After watching Orange Days, there is this after-effect. Graduation didn’t really seem like just a ceremony.

Although I cannot say that my uni life had been tops. Mountains of assignments, pulses of pressure, overwhelming information squeezed into my saturated brain, irritating petty stuffs, monotonous or zero-knowledge labs, unfavourable lecturers, struggling with the Sandman in class, stupid mistakes here and there, yucky cafeteria food, endless hunt for text books not one likes.

I am starting to miss these things. Feels like I am giving up a part of my life. Afterall, all this while I have been a student.

Realizing that after this year, everyone will be taking a different route, towards a separate destination. We will then be biting our lips and carrying on with our own life, trying hard to make the best out of ourselves. Starting on a whole new chapter of our life, expecting challenges, obstacles, disappointments, tests, realism.

To be stronger. To survive. To be proud of ourselves. To make the best out of our lives.

Living is great after all.

I wonder what will happen after this?
I wonder if my friends and I will remain the same as we change with time?
I wonder if we can still chat on anything?
I wonder if we can ever meet again at all?

“Of course we can keep if we put that extra little effort.” Thanks a lot and I guess your sms saved me in time.

University life really had been like an orange to me. A mix of sweetness and sourness, but all the while the taste is memorable.

Not knowing what I was thinking when I enrolled.
Going through my first, second and now, third year without much thought.
Days of laughter and warmth in an environment I felt affiliated to.
Still lost and uncertain of life after university.
Passing subjects without much passion instilled into it.
Makes me question what I gained after all these years.

I guess I am a bit scared of stepping into reality.
Which I promise myself to conquer.
I remember the times we spend sitting around, just enjoying each other’s company.
I remember the trips to library which were meant for studying, initially.
I remember the new vocabularies created during the course of our friendship.
I remember the many trips we planned that seldom took off.
I remember the many times we took so long to decide where to eat.
I remember the recurrent vows of not to shop anymore.
I remember the countless complaints we shoot out about our lecturers.
I remember the looks on our faces during the exams.
I remember the lame jokes we carry so proudly with us everywhere.
I remember the teasings showing how close we are.
I remember the times I was never alone when I was sad.
I remember the spontaneous acts we always perform at the worst times.
I remember not ever worrying I might feel lonely.
I remember how bad it feels when I miss you all.

So much memories. So hard to let go.

If there are so much fond memories, then I think you can tell that, my university life had been great!

Although we will be going our separate ways, working towards our own goals, leading different lives, scattered all around the world, but it does not matter. Given that extra little effort and a whole lot of sincerity, it is not hard to keep in touch. Maybe there really won’t be a chance to meet again, but memories will keep you close to me.

So let us just spare a little effort and time in the midst of all the confusion, struggles and hardships we might have to endure in life. I am sure it will brighten you life. No matter how small the light is, it always stands out amidst the dark.

In the midst heavy, gloomy days, there will be a bright, Orange Day waiting for you.