Saturday, May 27, 2006


As soon as I woke up this morning, I have been flooded by this feeling of uneasiness inside of me. It was so strong that all other emotions, sadness, fear, hopefulness and even stress, are forced out of me. In this small body (or gradually enlarging body) of mine, I wonder how long this this emotion is gonna be suppressed. Along with the secret, which is becoming more of a burden.

There is the sudden decision to tell everything. For I felt that if I don't do it now, I might regret later. Or would I have thrown away a chance? Is it really the right thing to do? Can I really accept the result of this, no matter what it is?

But as sudden as the decision came, it was also that momentary my courage was. After an hour, being more awake and having filled my tummy, that little courage of mine is again, buried too deeply inside me. Still looking for it.

I am an optimist, still. In this situation, I can only see myself envisioning a happy ending. So, am I prepared for a hard fall? I hope my optimism can support me till then.

Maybe its is of all these confusion and uneasiness lately, that I came to really like this piece of music playing now. Somehow, it gives a soothing feeling.

In the begining it feels like it is expressing how uneasy and scared I am. After that, in the middle it told me that eventhough the worst thing might happen and I might fall and hurt myself hard. In the end, it expressed that no matter what, there is hope and to not be afraid to stand up again after the fall. That it is fine to fall and be sad, but only remember that everything will be fine in the end. I'll be OK.

Little things like this make my day.
Maybe somehow, someway, someday, I'll really be brave.

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