Plan A, Plan B

Do you remember what you were doing 4 years ago at this very moment?

I can't say I remember clearly but I was definitely happier and felt free back then.

As you age, whether you like it or not, things do get more complicated and troubles do pile up. And then it all comes down to you, whether you choose to face it head on or turn a blind eye and try to live in denial for as long as you can.

Sometimes I feel like there is so much in my head that it can go kaboom in an instant. From that one very big problem to the million other bite-sized issues, they can be so overwhelming that you wish there was a button you could switch off within you. But even if there is, what does it change? Once you are turned back on, you will have to face everything again.

I always prefer facing and solving my issues as soon as possible. It is like taking down an enemy, the longer you take, the more it will level up and the harder it will be to beat. I remember the time my sister spent so much time fiddling with her Gameshark tricks to make her Squall Leonhart & co reach level 99 at the start of her (destined to be doomed) Final Fantasy 8, only to find all the other enemies, random monsters to bosses, level 99 too. In the end, the fat caterpillar took her 10 mins to defeat.

I don't like to feel incomplete. If I start something, I won't stop until I finish. If I eat something, I won't stop until I finish. If I like something, I won't stop until I get it. If I break up, I won't stop until it is clean.

I can do so much for something I really want. Is that even normal?

I remember vividly the moment I received the sad news about the departure of someone I really loved dearly with my life. I was 18. Mature to some extent. But, I couldn't help but think that someone must be playing a nasty trick on me.

From the moment I got the news. Even when I booked tickets to return to Sabah. Throughout the journey up in the skies. Until the very last second before I saw him resting in peace.

Thinking back it was quite childish. But that was the length I am willing to go for something I want. No matter how impossible it was.

There was this other once when I dreamt that my mother left for heaven. I was utterly broken inside out and inside the dream, I was behaving just like how I did last time. I repeatedly told myself that it was a dream and that if I try hard enough I would be able to make this a dream. In the end, I really woke up.

But not everything is just a bad dream.

A lot of times you wish they were, don't you?

They say, the higher you dream, the harder you fall.

But does that mean I will have to settle for whatever I have now. Even if it is bad. Even if it is not good enough. And if everything is written in the stars and fated/destined, then what is the reason for existence? Just to live by the rules and re-enact whatever has been planned for us?

Don't get me wrong, I believe God has everything planned for us.

But I also believe God would be interested to see how far we can go with what he gave us, how creative we can be with the plan he devised us and how strong we can be in face of what he has in store for us.

I think God gave us all a fair Plan A, and the freedom to make the most out of life with our own Plan B.

So, life is not written in stone but depends on how much you are willing to do for the things you want.