Homesick

I am extremely homesick. Today is so grey both as in the weather and the grey areas in life.

Why can't we have everything in life?

Forging your own life in a foreign land vs. being with your family back at home
Building your career vs. building your own family

Two of the many things in life we have to choose one or the other.

I love my life here in Melbourne:
the city, the people, the hot chocolates, the university memories, the culture, the fashion, the Shiro, the tram rides, the crazy weather.

I feel like I am building something here:
my relationship, my circle of friends, my career, my personality, my outlook in life.

However, at the same time - especially this moment when homesickness strikes - I wonder if it is all worth it (oh, my grandma just called :< ):

Time spent away from family, missing the little moments, physical absence.

You might say that keeping in touch through phone, Skype or MSN helps a lot. But, to me, the sense of touch - makes a big difference.

I talk to Ray at least for half an hour every day when he is away for work - we have laughed, fought, gossiped, cried over the phone - but nothing beats the very first moment I see him in person again every time he returns.

As much as technology helps us stay connected, the strongest connection is when there are no wires, internet or satellites involved.

Here I am feeling homesick - pondering whether it is all worth it - knowing being here is what I want - wondering if there is ever a way to get everything I desire.

Becoming speechless but mindful

Lately I have been feeling:-

down
in a slump
hopeless
demotivated
lost
out of energy
negative

For some reasons it feels so much harder to bounce back this time.

I searched high and low for that

spunk
confidence
positivity
glimmer of hope
joy
feeling alive

Even as I write this I feel no sense of direction. And without realising it I felt the need or want to make words float around this post.

No formatting.
No coherence.
No story.

Just
like
my
life
and
my
state
of
mind.

These days, I stare into the sky - mind wandering -

where am i heading to?
what am i working towards?
am i getting there?
when will i achieve what i set out to?
will i even get there?

And it doesnt help that the skies have been grey.

I look at others with eyes of:
admiration and a hint of envy.

I hear the stories of others with:
fascination and a hint of envy.

I am envious of so much in so many and guilty of feeling so.

I am tired of:

Persisting - Chasing - Reassuring myself - Motivating myself - Being hopeful - Being positive
Forcing a smile - Faking a smile - Holding my tears - Holding my fears

But what if I succumb to my frustration and this physical and mental exhaustion?

Will I feel better?
Will anything change at all?
Will I feel happier?

Maybe you will see me as someone who is not thankful for all that I have now, someone who thinks too highly of herself, someone who bites off more than she can chew, someone who is dramafy-ing her life.

And you know what, I might very well agree with you.

For I have high hopes for myself, achievements I want to attain, limits I want to push.

I believe you do too.

I don't usually emo

I have been emo-ing the whole day.

I am never one to emo too much. Whenever I find myself down, slightly depressed or hopeless in anyway, I would go out of my way and make sure I pick myself up.

I just don't like to picture myself as someone who is constantly gloomy or worrysome. I want to radiate (or at least try to do so) positivity, energy and excitement.

I am saying that I try to, not that I do all the time.
But I guess you and I know that it is impossible to be a bright little ball of sunshine all the time.

The key here is to find and grow the energy in you, that very little drop sunshine.

Today - I was not sad nor depressed. I began to think and think and think.
Why did it take me sooooooo long to recover today?

It was emptiness.

To say goodbye early in the morning. Before a long solitary bus ride to work. Followed by a day of repetitive work. Coupled with images of the week before and sweet reminiscence. Ending in another long solitary bus ride home.

I was not sad or depressed.
I was just drifting away . . . .without much to look forward to. Not in terms of life, or say food or Chanel.

But, in terms of, a someone close to you where you find comfort in going home to everyday, solace after a harsh day at work, laughs in between conversations - just someone you know can make the day worth it no matter how bad it had been.

It saddens me a bit that I have to do all that through phone.
But at the same time I guess I should be thankful that at least we have our phones.

An empty house. A dark living room. A quiet hallway.

How I wish today was just like yesterday when I had the luxury of reaching out at arm's length to you but without the nagging tug in the heart of knowing that you would be going away again soon.

Plan A, Plan B

Do you remember what you were doing 4 years ago at this very moment?

I can't say I remember clearly but I was definitely happier and felt free back then.

As you age, whether you like it or not, things do get more complicated and troubles do pile up. And then it all comes down to you, whether you choose to face it head on or turn a blind eye and try to live in denial for as long as you can.

Sometimes I feel like there is so much in my head that it can go kaboom in an instant. From that one very big problem to the million other bite-sized issues, they can be so overwhelming that you wish there was a button you could switch off within you. But even if there is, what does it change? Once you are turned back on, you will have to face everything again.

I always prefer facing and solving my issues as soon as possible. It is like taking down an enemy, the longer you take, the more it will level up and the harder it will be to beat. I remember the time my sister spent so much time fiddling with her Gameshark tricks to make her Squall Leonhart & co reach level 99 at the start of her (destined to be doomed) Final Fantasy 8, only to find all the other enemies, random monsters to bosses, level 99 too. In the end, the fat caterpillar took her 10 mins to defeat.

I don't like to feel incomplete. If I start something, I won't stop until I finish. If I eat something, I won't stop until I finish. If I like something, I won't stop until I get it. If I break up, I won't stop until it is clean.

I can do so much for something I really want. Is that even normal?

I remember vividly the moment I received the sad news about the departure of someone I really loved dearly with my life. I was 18. Mature to some extent. But, I couldn't help but think that someone must be playing a nasty trick on me.

From the moment I got the news. Even when I booked tickets to return to Sabah. Throughout the journey up in the skies. Until the very last second before I saw him resting in peace.

Thinking back it was quite childish. But that was the length I am willing to go for something I want. No matter how impossible it was.

There was this other once when I dreamt that my mother left for heaven. I was utterly broken inside out and inside the dream, I was behaving just like how I did last time. I repeatedly told myself that it was a dream and that if I try hard enough I would be able to make this a dream. In the end, I really woke up.

But not everything is just a bad dream.

A lot of times you wish they were, don't you?

They say, the higher you dream, the harder you fall.

But does that mean I will have to settle for whatever I have now. Even if it is bad. Even if it is not good enough. And if everything is written in the stars and fated/destined, then what is the reason for existence? Just to live by the rules and re-enact whatever has been planned for us?

Don't get me wrong, I believe God has everything planned for us.

But I also believe God would be interested to see how far we can go with what he gave us, how creative we can be with the plan he devised us and how strong we can be in face of what he has in store for us.

I think God gave us all a fair Plan A, and the freedom to make the most out of life with our own Plan B.

So, life is not written in stone but depends on how much you are willing to do for the things you want.

Technology, family & guys

Okay let me be a pessimist just for one day.

Girls don't need guys to keep them warm - an electric blanket can do the job, what more you can even adjust the temperature to your liking.

Girls don't need guys for security - from extended alarm systems monitoring every inch of your house to pepper sprays to the Chanel bag, that is security boost, physically all the way to emotionally.

Girls don't need guys to have a good time - hit the malls, buy the world, eat those chocolates, gym off that butt, strut the city, wee off the hours in gossip, I am pretty sure you'll feel equally good.

Girls don't need guys for support/help - the pile of laundry, the broken door knob, the virus infected computer, the emotional issue, which of that can you not solve? You might have to call some technical person, but hey, you still solved it didn't you?

Girls don't need guys to ease their emptiness - there is the weekend road trip you can go to, the long abandoned overseas travel plan, the contacts you haven't kept in touch with in ages and also your loyal pet waiting for your attention.

Girls don't need guys to feel complete - in fact, look at yourself. What is missing?

Technology and material are most probably capable of filling in all the blanks what we traditionally think only the opposite sex can. To a certain extent, at least.

Now, before you dismiss me as being materialistic/shallow/bitter/PMS-y/unreasonable, maybe technology and material can't take the place of having a good guy in your life. (Hence, I added 'to a certain extent')

I have my family and friends for all the -warmth, security, good times, support/help - in the world. Most importantly, you can always count on these people to make you feel loved and important.

Okay, on a different note, I am probably an optimist for being able to see technology and material (ahem) as being able to replace having a guy in my life!

Or maybe, I have grown to be more a realist - to be able to see family as friends as the more important part of my life and also to realise that I don't need a guy, I want a man in my life.

Poof

Hey I think I'll really jump down that spiral thing in my dream the other day and spend a few days in the Wonderland I dreamt about.

It might be dark it might be more than that

Even when it seems that nothing can go right
and you want to just give up,
if you close your eyes,
you can see the world from your heart.

In this world when life can be so tough
You must be strong
Just believe in yourself and don't you fear
So open up your mind and close your eyes
Take another look from the other side

Even on a lonely night, when you wander afraid,
you may be alone now, but
your feet can take you however far you want to go, so

Just hold on tight, because if you close your eyes,
look inside yourself, there's a shining light there.
Yes, I want you to believe in everything.
You can take another look from the other side

Just hold on tight, even if your heart is breaking.
Reach into your soul, even if you can't see tomorrow.
Yes, if you have the strength to live,
You can take another look from the other side,
until you find all that is love...

I wish for you to have the strength
to make it through this world,
so open up your mind,
and you'll be able to see...

Just remember you are not alone
So don't you fear
Even though you're miles away
I'm by your side
So open up your mind and close your eyes
I'll be there for you no matter where you are

The stars may live for a long time, but that doesn't mean
that the same days will repeat over and over forever.
Noone can see into tomorrow

Just hold on tight, because if you close your eyes,
look inside yourself, you'll feel a heartbeat.
Yes, I want you to believe in the future.
You can take another look from the other side.

Just hold on tight, even if your heart is breaking.
Reach into your soul, even if you can't see tomorrow.
Yes, there's another world out there.
You can take another look from the other side,
and you'll be able to find all that is love...

Just hold on tight, because if you close your eyes,
look inside yourself, you'll feel a heartbeat.
Yes, I want you to believe in the "future."
You can take another look from the other side

Just hold on tight, even if your heart is breaking.
Reach into your soul, even if you can't see tomorrow.
Yes, there's another world out there.
You can take another look from the other side,
until you find all that is love...
(Lyrics translation taken from Anime Lyrics dot Com)

Mr LDR

It has been a while so I have almost forgotten what it is like to be on a Long Distance Relationship.

The last time this happened was in 2007 and it lasted a year.

Mr was coming back to Aussie for his final year of studies and Me staying back in Malaysia for my final year of studies.

I remember saying goodbye and crying (as expected) at the tiny airport of Sandakan. After all, back then I did not know when or even if I would see him again.

At that point of time, my LDR was indefinite and that must be the worst kind of LDR. Not knowing if there is an end to it and even if there is - if it would be a happy or a sad one. It made me wonder about all kinds of stuff - why I even started this relationship, being the main question.

We would keep in touch by:
Calling once in a blue moon.
Video chatting online every once in a while.
SMSing whenever credit allows.
Relying on MSN heavily.

After a while, I got really used to not seeing Mr and I bet he felt the same.

We were in a relationship but not quite so.
The feeling was there but not quite strong.

It was weird.

And then due to a twist of fate, I was going to return to Aussie where Mr was.

I was happy but not the ecstatic kind, just mild.
He was happy but not that excited, just as mild.

When we met, it wasn't passion - we were both a bit shy. If not, awkward.

For the first few months, we would do things separately, we would be really quiet/paiseh and we would be hang out at different places. We just did not know how to be together anymore.

Before we knew it, we were fighting a lot - really meek, mild fights - out of frustration and confusion. But I guess at the end of the day, the fights drew us closer and helped us understand each other again.

Time flew and we have been spending almost everyday together for 2 years - going through jobhunting, unemployment and weight gain. I can confidently say that we are stronger and surer than ever.

So this time around, the LDR - albeit really sudden and unexpected - wasn't so bad.

Maybe it was so sudden that I don't feel it just yet.
Maybe it has been just a few days so it doesn't feel real yet.

But come next week when Mr comes back, I wonder how I would feel.
I can surely say that it won't be mild like before.
And I can more surely say that when the time comes for Mr to leave again, it will be more un-mild.

Grey

I fell in love with grey.

Last Sunday marked the first day I tried colour contact lenses. I had always dreaded trying colour contact lens due to the mere fact that I was afraid other people would not recognize me without colour lenses. The very same reasons I dreaded trying make-up and colouring my very many years go (obviously this changed!).

I tried the colour grey - as it is closest to black and I am chicken like that.

I have been very disappointed for the past two times when I wore pupil enlarging lenses and NO ONE noticed! They noticed another friend wearing them but not ME! So I was determined to make them notice this time!

But point here is, I was hanging out with Ray only the whole day and he is the most unattentive when it comes to these things. So how?

Take loads of pictures and tell it to his face lorrrr.

I loved the effect of colour lenses. Honestly, the effect is WOW.

I immediately thought I looked prettier! Fairer! Thinner! More toned! . . . . really.

And no matter what I did with my hair, I thought it looked shinier! Softer! . . . . honestly.

I lurrrvveeee colour lenses.

But instead of going all out and wearing them every day, I kiam-siap-ed. And have grown to only look at them longingly.

I decided 9 am that morning that grey was MY colour.

And took pictures of mostly myself in that very hour while being holed up in my room.

Even my cardigan was grey~

The day could not have been brighter and happier. I mean, an instant solution to feeling extra fabulous, toned, fit with shinier hair in a one-stop solution - the almighty colour lens.

What more, stumbling upn my favourite Malay kuih! The last time I had these green deliciousness was 2 years ago in Malaysia and the inti was burnt! So imagine sinking my whiter teeth (effect of the colour lenses) into these green little tender buns and feeling the sugary rush seep into the space of happiness in yourself.

I couldn't have been a better day of grey when I took a picture of myself looking very petite and lady-like with Ray.

And also a very clear picture of an obediently sitting Shiro.

All the good things happened of which I attributed to the power of my new-found grey eyes.

But who would have thought, a smiling smug picture like this one below in my camera's memory card would be followed by a picture like the one further below?

I guess as beautiful as the colour grey is, it still haunts of gloom and despair.

It really isn't the fault of the contact lenses. The way you view the world is filtered by your emotions - not something spoken of in science but definitely proven in every other way. If the emotion is sadness, then all other colours fade into the shade of grey.

It is so funny how one can be totally happy and then utterly sad so quickly.

Even things which usually fills your life with colours - be it people, laughter, chatterings, animals, nature - fall victim to this emotional filter in life.

As if natural, all things assume the colour of grey and fade into the background as negative memories and emotions surface.

It takes time for colours to fill in.

During these times when the most breath taking view doesn't excite and the most beautiful music doesn't touch, you have only yourself, your faith in this life and your determination to see it through.

Tears, for one, is an amazing source of relief. To be able to let your guards down and not force yourself to put up a front - at least for that very minute - can be your one and only cure. It seems to as if cleanse your insecurities, sadness and fear away. Making you feel all vulnerable but strong again right after.

And the sunset becomes beautiful again.

As the colours came back into my life, I felt a sense of achievement of having struggled my way out of the colour of disappointment and insecurities - greyness. Although I know I will somehow find myself stepping into this same mess again and again, at the end of the day the most important part is knowing how to get back up and live to see the next sunset.

Grey was a good colour for my eyes.

Grey is also the loose translation for the name of my favourite band.

But there comes a point where I need to stop it from infecting too much of my life.

I need my colours and I will fight to bring them back one by one into my life.

So what if my whole world is grey right now? It was grey before and I won the fight. This is just another battle I will win.

Tears

Tears ruin your make up.
Tears make your eyes red and puffy.
Tears bring along trembling lips and sobs.
Tears remind of memories attached to previous tears.
Tears make you feel vulnerable.

But,
tears also cleanses frustration.
tears also relieves the pain of pride and 'putting-up-a-front'.
tears also reveal the strength hidden inside.
tears also help us accept the truth.
tears also allow us to feel vulnerable to be able to see more clearly.

The sunset itself wasn't that beautiful when the world you are seeing is tainted with sadness. But, the sunlight from the sunset when seen through tears can be the most underappreciated beauty I have ever known of.

Killer

I hate Claire Bennet.

If I were in Heroes, I would kill her first.

I know her weak spot. I know it I know it.

Grrrrrrrr.

What is love?

"Wow you two have been together for four years already?"

Honestly, what is there to 'wow' about?

From my humble perspective, the length of a relationship does not signify anything at all. If only length means good. Which creates another question, what is 'good' when it comes to relationships?

No arguments or fights?
No conflict in interest?
No external issues like finance?

Hardly. Both in terms of it ever happening or ever leading to a healthy relationship.

If there is one thing I can be certain about relationships, that will be it is highly 'uncertain'.

One happy moment can turn into a sour spat in a few minutes and the issue can be as small as who eats the cupcake first. One fine day can turn into a nightmare and end a 10-year relationship.

Even if your love is strong, there are a million other factors out of your control that can break you up. In this materialistic and overly-realistic day and age, we want everything. Money, freedom, technology, social status, material, luxury - can you really live on just 'true love'?

To be more extreme, what does marriage signify? Can a mere piece of certificate or ceremony, really warrant a happy ending? You can still wake up one day to find yourself out of love.

But I don't want to let relationships equate to 'uncertainty'.

It indirectly means that I am either waiting for my relationship to end or waiting for someone to marry me (and then continue on to wait for either a divorce?). I don't want it to mean this at all. For it means that I am forever waiting for an answer, something certain to happen and thus, miss the process of being in a relationship.

Isn't all we want just a person to laugh with, cry with and live life with?
Isnt't all we need just a person to laugh with, cry with and live life with?

In a realistic sense, I would say no, that is not enough.
In my personal opinion, I would like to believe in yes, that alone is enough.

We like to use some sort of parameter to measure the quality/quantity of things. But this is not a kilogram of sugar or 3 baby elephants. It is the dynamic or chemistry resulted from the emotional and physical journey of two different people. Tell me how do you measure that?

Definitely not in years on relationship, that is just too naive and lazy.

So tell me, what says a good relationship to you?

A bit nostalgic. . .

This makes me feel a wee bit nostalgic.

Not sadness, not happiness.

Just a bit of emptiness.

As I reminisce over the tears and laughter, achievements and mistakes, friends and soulmates, realisations and confusions I went through as a high-schooler.

The Break Ups

Whenever you feel like you have waste - time, youth, effort, tears - in a failed relationship, please don't. Sure you can feel sad or even angry over it but never see it as a waste for no matter how bad or painful it was, you will have learnt something out of it and had moments of happiness you never experienced before.

To begin with, don't see a bad relationship as meaning he/she was a bad partner. The fact that you fell in love with this person and took the plunge to start a relationship must mean there is something which attracted you - something you love, something you wanted. But relationship is a funny thing filled with complicated dynamics of human interaction, high level communication skills and personality matches. Couple it up with time and changes in people and environment, you have a whole lot there to think about!

No matter how badly it ended or loud the final scream-match was, there must have been happy times. For why would you have gotten with him/her if not for happiness? The beautiful thing is, the form of happiness in each relationship is different. So, with every failed relationship, you get to know a different kind of happiness.

You take away things from a relationship. It becomes part of your personality.

In my previous relationship, I found:

The game I love in Final Fantasy.
The music I love in Glay.
The confidence I need in myself.
The courage I need in being adventurous.

All these make up part of who I am today. Surely you remember little things like this as well.

Most importantly, the memories. Happy memories from fresh break-ups are more heartbreaking than the unhappy memories. Happy memories from break-ups-you-have-moved-on-from are more nostalgic, they make you heave a sigh with a smile. The unhappy ones? They are more often than not, more forgotten than you expect it to be.

I don't think anyone should ever try forgetting a relationship just because it ended badly or the pain it caused. There is always something there worth remembering.

At least, it made me reminisce and realise how far I have come.

My period love to travel

I am Loretta's Period.

Being a big part of Loretta's life, we are like soul sisters, BFFs since her awkward puberty years. You know what I love doing most with Loretta?

:-) Travelling with her.

To see new places. To experience new culture :-)

Our first travel experience together was to the Sports Centre of Sandakan. Not exactly travel, you said? Well, what if I tell you that it was her first time there? See, first time for the both of us. A very important memory.

Then there was this time she left for KL and I almost did not make it. But, with my determination, I managed to arrive just to 'meet' her at the airport and join in for the rest of the family holiday. It feels good to be partof the family.

Call me whatever you like but I had never been overseas before, so when Loretta was going to Japan and Korea years ago, I went berserk. This was a tricky one. The itinerary was to fly from Sandakan to KK (1 night) before flying from KK to KL then to Seoul, Korea (3 nights) and finally from Seoul, Korea to Japan (5 nights). Gosh. I can only be present for almost 5 days and I wanted to see all these places. Loretta must have been dismayed when I did not greet her at Sandakan Airport. Little did she know that, her dear ol' friend Me was going to appear with a statement in her hotel in KK, thus successfully seeing both Korea and Japan with her.

(Taken from www.travel-destination-pictures.com)

But of course there are downs as well, due to Mother Nature's miscalculation or my own impatience sometimes. I so wanted to see Bangkok with her but I must have messed up the dates and ended up lazing with her right at home the few days before she left for Bangkok. In the end, due to again my perseverence, I was able to see the airport in Bangkok. But I could have gone swimming with the dolphins with her, you know! Isn't that a miss? They say that is one of the things you have to do before you die, or menopause for my case!

I love how Loretta goes around Aussie so often - the road trips, the interstate trips - I have been and loved all of them!

Hey but don't see me as a mere leecher, I go through tough times with her too. The intense exam periods, stressful events like proms and her L'Oreal Competition, exhausting marathons. And I know she appreciates me being there. Yes, I do.

Oh, wait. The reason I decided to for the first time talk to all of you through Loretta's blog is: I just arrived today and I am so excited. Loretta is going to Tokyo, Japan next month and on the 23rd of November she will be going to the hot springs. *Beams* Guess what is the date for today!!!

Guys, I have a strong feeling I am going to the hot springs next month. Another item crossed out from my list of things to do before menopause.

XOXO

The Travelling Period

Sandakan, today?

The air here is so cold. The heater is on and Shiro is licking my heels.

This makes me miss dear old Sandakan.

Rainy days in Sandakan were always a hassle. With no shopping malls around (at least during my time), one can hardly walk around town. But it is the only time I could wear my jumpers with hoodies and act like it is winter. Or maybe Mount Kinabalu to be more 'realistic'.

On rainy days, my favourite places to go were bakery-restaurants like what used to be called Thiam Kee and Cool Bubble Tea for their Polo Bun.

The topic of eating brings me to the fishing villages. The Tai Fen soup with seafood for breakfast, fresh seafood sale in the evening and the less than AUD100 seafood banquet for 10 people for dinner.

How I miss the taste of crabmeat. And the sight of floating artificial 'jellyfish' (plastic bags) in the shallow waters. Oh and commenting about the smell of salted fish.

Highly similar to the houses in District 9, except that not Prawns but Salted Fish stay there. And they are mighty friendly and pleasant to your senses (sight, smell, taste).

Ultimately Sandakan is all about family. The old family house withstanding countless powercuts, watercuts, fighting dogs and family feuds.

For the first half of my life I lived with my paternal grandparents, aunties and uncles. A big family, indeed and without Astro at that time, lots of time bonding over rental dramas, chinese dessert and playing cards.

Then there is the picture of Grandma cooking in the kitchen - something I used to see everytime I reach home - a picture of assurance and home.

I used to always poke near to her and ask, "What are you cooking for tonight, Popo?"

Instead now I ask over the phone, "Are you cooking shark's fin soup for everyone tonight?" To which she will reply, "Not until you come back. I won't cook for the rest of them!"

This is the water tank. Sturdy fella.

The superbness of meals prepared by my Grandma. Always a bowl of soup for everyone. Mine without spring onions :-)

Like the little gestures from my Grandma (leaving out spring onions in my bowl of soup), it is the little things about Sandakan which make me miss the place.

One of my friends used to say that looking up to the ceiling of Sandakan Airport makes her feel dizzy. True, I used to think it was the most amazing construction every - the high ceilings, the colourful glass ensemble, the . . well basically that's it.

But as I grew older, the airport became a bittersweet place. Bitter for all those times I departed only to wonder when I would get to return, sweet for all those times familiar faces appeared after such a long time apart.

My friends, when will we be meeting again in Sandakan?

A long train ride

"Love is in the air" , the song makes it feel like this phrase is for when you are utterly in love.

I think you feel "love is in the air" most when you are loveless.

I was in the middle of a phone call with long silences implying a tiring battle of words and emotions when I saw an old couple gossipping about a gothic girl by the road all the while chucklig. Then there was this power couple, the lady going on and on about her work while her man just smiled and rolled his eyes. A tourist couple from China nearby were joking around with a Melbourne map.

Then there was this teenaged couple in tight embrace, laughing away at probably something pointless but their eye contact never wavered.

This reminded me of teenaged romance - the days when we have no care of the world and just loved the way we want to.

To jump into his arms.
To stay outside in the cold just to be with each other.
To call just to say 'I Love You'.
To sneak out for a late night stroll.
To talk about dreams and hopes for the future.
To go for long walks without an aim into the evening.
To take pictures of each other or together with every little thing.
To grin from ear to ear, genuinely, cheesily.

Whatever happened to the glory of love?
Or the passion in life?

While still on the call, I looked at the big clock of Flinders Station, its arms slowly ticking away reminding me that time is passing me by so do not let the world pass you by.

There is so much that I want to chase back right now. The time passed, the memories faded, the what-if's regretted.

Maybe it is not be too bad to cut off a part of my life now.

Whenever I cut something out of my life, be it an important object, an incident, a friend, a family or a lover, it is not really sadness or excruciating pain that I feel.

I feel light. Not the relieved-light, but emptiness-light.
It is not that I don't feel pain, but not the piercing-pain but the numbness-pain.

At least for a while, it feels like I am an observer of the world instead of an occupant.

Like, my heart doesn't skip a beat for the girl sprinting across the highway, instead my eyes just follow her. The green grass of spring catches me eye eventhough I have passed by them countless times before that. The journey seems faster even without an mp3 player.

It feels like a long long journey on a train alone. The sceneries passing you by is like 'the world and time passing you by'. You are just there on the train, inside your own little world.

This feels like a very long train ride for me.

The time of your life

Have you ever woken up one fine day to realise that there are things which you really ought to do before it is too late?

How many times have we said 'no' just because of:

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- time issues, when we spend countless Sundays just lounging around in our pyjama till evening.

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- money issues, when we spend conciously/subconciously/unconciously on another handbag of the same colour or in the same restaurant for the same dish.

- effort/commitment issues, when we spend endless energy in unneeded dramas or conflicts in our everyday life.

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In a nutshell, when you think about it:

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We don't really have so much to do that we 'have no time to learn the piano'.

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We don't really need that much money to 'plan that holiday to Bali'.

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We don't really face so much stress that we 'don't have the mood to meet friends'.

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After all, you are reading my blog now haha.

What are the things which you have delayed or procrastinated over in life just because you think you have all the time in the world ahead of you to do so? For me:

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The trip to Japan to watch Glay in concert.

To learn the piano.

To learn to bake.

A short vacation with friends.

To return Sandakan for a reunion with high school friends.

Getting my bikini body (sigh) ready for the beach in summer.

Trying out trout-fishing.

Starting my own business.

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Now think about it. Do we really have all the time in the world ahead of us?

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Maybe we are young, we never really think that tomorrow might be the end of us. After all, lives are not meant to be lost at our age and time seems to go on forever when we are caught up in the rat-race, that is the society.

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So much so that we forget about the 'what-if's in life. What if:

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At age 65, we remembered our 22 year-old self's resolution to learn surfing?

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At age 55, we remembered the family we imagined ourselves to start with a special someone from the past during the summer at age 23?

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At age 45, we remembered the resolution to backpack around Europe we made college friends at age 21?

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At age 35, we realised our dream to be a bridesmaid/best man to our best friend has yet to happen?

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At age 22, will you still be letting any of your excuses stop you from doing all that you have in your mind?

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There is so much that I want to do. Right here right now.

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In reality, I might not be able to do all of them now. But - surely there is also a lot that I am able to do.

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Recent events have made me realise that - hey, life is too short to be procrastinated over and hola, it is never too late to starting doing things. One of the events is the movie UP, which was really heart warming and inspirational to a certain extent.

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I want to be doing more in life.

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For 22 years of my life, I have been wanting but not getting a puppy. Why?

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'My Mum doesn't life dogs.' 'My sister is afraid of dogs.' 'Our house is too small for a dog.' 'Our rented property does not allow dogs.' 'Having a dog can be time consuming and expensive.' 'I don't know how to take care of dogs.'

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And then I got Shiro.

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I still remember the very night I got Shiro, I thought to myself while staring at the ceiling before sleep - 'Will I be able to take care of him?' 'What if he grows up to be a bad dog?' 'I can't handle him on my own!'

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And now, I have never been happier. To see him grow, learn, love and ultimately, be a part of my life.

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Sure it is an added monetary expense and he takes up some of my time. But nothing compares to the experience I am having now with this white fluffy bundle of joy - including the happy times, sad times, angry times and funny times.

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I have been indulging in baking and cake decorating. I love being creative and sweet food. I baked cute cupcakes for the first time last Friday. The night before, I baked the cupcakes and stored them in an airtight container.

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The following night, while housemates and boyfriend were out rock climbing, I was flexing some arm muscles as well by kneading, rolling, colouring and decorating icing for my cupcakes. And Ta-da, my Ngeu Ngeu and Shiro cupcakes were born!

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This is Ngeu Ngeu with her grey spots and droopy ears.

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This is Shiro and yes I know, it looks a bit like a cat.

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Shiro and Ngeu Ngeu on the table.

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Even Shiro was interested in the Shiro cupcake.

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It made me very happy. I thought it was 4 hours, 400% of arm muscles well utilized.

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Ooooh, and what else have I been doing?

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Over the weekend I have been planning a trip to Tokyo :-D

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Erm, it is not like I am going any time soon but this elaborate itinerary which includes transports to take and hotel selections will serve as an immediate prompt for action as soon as tickets to Japan are on sale or Glay announces another tour!

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For now, this is still a tip-top-secret but once I am able to go and test out my plan, I'll let you in on the plan so that everyone can go as well! I have been having dreams of being in Tokyo with friends at night already. Sakura. . . . .

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So what do you really really want to do today?

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I'm going to the gym now, building my bikini body haha.

Hey are you happy now?

Hey You,

how has today been treating you so far? Was the weather kind to you? Did you run into a good friend?

As for me, today I am just sitting in front of a computer again doing what I love most, reading and thinking. The weather here has been a bit too cold and wet for my liking but I have now a lively heater in the form of Shiro, so I am feeling warm inside out.

As we grew up and apart from each other, I wonder what road you are taking now and more importantly, is it leading you towards where you want to go and most importantly, are you happy now?

As for readers whom I have never met, I wonder the same about you.

What is on your mind?

What makes you happy lately? Shiro makes me happy - to see him learn so much and grow into a handsome dog makes me feel glad. Mr Tan makes me smile - through the rain, through the fire. Family and friends - just the thought of them lights up my day. The fact that I am still not giving up makes me very proud of myself.

What has been troubling you? Career is the first and foremost issue to me. The uncertainties spell insecurity. The hunger for achievement leads to frustration. Damaged relationships become the second. Relationships, being as abstract as they are and as complicated as a human mind can be, are so hard to be healed. Thirdly, the bikini body age-old issue.

Where are you going to? I am not sure. In the picture, I am walking along this long, narrow and straight road with vast green fields on each side under a very blue sky. I take small steps sometimes. But occasionally, I feel the need to sprint for a while. The end of the road never seems to appear and because of that I keep walking. For I want to see my destination.

Do you need strength now? I am strong enough to pick myself up whenever I feel defeated. From time to time, this strength gets exhausted and I panick over the thought of exposing my weakness to the ugly bad world. But, if there are people who reach out and help whenever this happens, hey, that must mean that the world is not so bad and ugly after all, isn't it?

Are you happy? Yes, I am.

To everyone reading this, it doesn't matter whether I know you or not, I know the world can be a big, scary place and reality can be harsh, cruel. I know despite the billions of people in this world, one can feel out of place and lonely. I know despite the money and materials out there, true happiness can only come from the within of someone.

So, please just let me tell you this: I wish you to be happy.

Pictures that have been missing

It has been soooooooooooooooooo long since I took any pictures of anything/anyone other than Shiro.

I have not been taking pictures of myself. Vanity, self-love gone to point zero. I haven't had moments of "Oooh, I look pretty good today" or "Yatta, great outfit choice!" or "Flat tummy day alert!" for a long time now.

I have not been taking pictures of me and Ray. The truth is, we seldom took any pictures together - not the self-taken ones, even. I am sometimes too shy for that. Eventhough I do think it is cute when other couples do that and think it is a good way to store memories (of while we are still young, considerably young).

When we first started the relationship, I was too shy to do so, he was too thick to do so/realize. A year later, we were in different countries. Another year later, I was all shy again to do so and he was still too thick to realise. A few more months later, I was not hoping anymore and he was still too thick to do anything. Now, I am too busy with Shiro, eating and battling the economy crisis while he is too busy with Shiro, eating and battling the economy crisis as well.

I have not been taking pictures with friends. Hm, just kind of lost the enthusiasm to? Or maybe I am drawn towards the stereotypical view that adults don't go trigger-happy/crazy (as in on their cameras) at every single kacang event on earth? And so, to snap no pictures and have not visual memories of my life so far this year?

Hence, I made a resolution on a Sunday morning spent cleaning poop of beloved Shiro's (the 'aromatherapy' cleared my mind I guess).

Time for more pictures.

Less holding back.

I have cut short all my hair.
I have cleared my backyard.
I have cleaned up poop.

Decluttering always feels so good.