hikari*

It was hailing here on Friday!

Notice the small ice-pieces falling onto the ground~

One's heart must be as deep as a well that thrusts right down to the core of this Earth, as wide as the oceans that stretch endlessly.

Deep - accommodating and maybe hiding thoughts untold.
Wide - filled with thoughts of all sorts.

Our heart is as big as our fist.
So fight with all your heart.
This, I can totally comprehend.

Our heart is as big as our fist.
So it is clenched firmly.
This, is a new thought of the day for me.

But I can't help but feel that it is somewhat true.
Clenched, we dare not let slip any weakness of ours. In a sense, we dare not trust.
The deepest of our secrets remain guarded within our fist.
The width of our hearts, reflecting our persective and acceptance of the foreign, being restricted.

I would like to think of my heart as an open palm instead.

Accepting. Relaxed. Comfortable. Trusting. Dare to be vulnerable. Peaceful.

After writing all these, it suddenly occured to me that...maybe it is not the heart that resembles our fist in size... it is our stomach, isn't it? *Hazukashii*

Well in this case, if my stomach is like a fist clenching with a vengeance firm and unforgiving, I would be thankful. Arigatou kami-sama :-)

Anyway, it is sometimes a tad bit disappointing to discover totally unsuspected thoughts from familiar faces after what seems like forever. It makes you question the intentions and the reasons behing the initial silence while wondering what constitutes the current heart of that person. Does it mean, what was unvoiced or paraphrased before all this, were mere sugar-coated representations. Representation - not words from the heart. Or, a misrepresentation - silence/ half-truths amounting to mislead. I did learn something from business law! In this instance, no negligence or fraudulent behavior was present, I believe.

But rite now. Should I treat every single statement as a representation, a mere representation? And to be cautious, to hold my heart as a clenched fist during our time together?
As I looked into your eyes as you speak, I cannot help but doubt.

It might be your kindness that led up to this.
Months of alternating warm and chill-y treatment, games of mind-guessing, sudden behavioural outbursts.
At this very moment I no longer have the sense of understanding you as a person anymore.
A day, a week, a month. But now it has been months, hasn't it?
And I still find no way of understanding you or my own position in this case.

It is alright now. After this morning, I kinda feel that it doesn't matter anymore. At least, I feel, it doesn't matter anymore to you. And probably, it is me who is the stem of the problem here, not being able to understand. Stubborn to move on. Anyhow, at this rate, I have tried my best. Tried - failed - and ready to give up.

Saying this, I feel like my 'clenched fist' has released itself. . . a bit.