MIND PLAY

The wandering mind during LAW revision.

11.48 am - Should I marinate the pork now?

11.51 am - What is this song in my mind? *think think think* Argh, stop playing in my mind ady! Oh, 'Farm Boy' from Final Fantasy 7.

12.01 pm - This is called al falcetto, I think. . . (Listening to ikimonogakari's Natsu.Koi).

12.16 pm - . . if Choo comes and is thinner than me, die la.

1.05 pm - Marinate the pork now. Eat something as well. Dun care about the bet with Choo la.

1.20 pm - What activities to do tonight? Karaoke? Hmm...

2.01 pm - Sunshine Coast? What to do there? Will it be fun in winter? Need swimsuits? Am I even going? *study study*

2.30 pm - Why is no one calling me? IT IS A SUNDAY!

2.55 pm - . . .koukai ni dete, yuruginai tamashi ni. . . okay, stop singing 'inside'!!

3.47 om - Will Luffy go save Ace? I dun wan him to die! Not after my Itachi. . .

4.02 pm - Chocolate cake.

4.45 pm I went off to Clayton town. So the struggle ended.

Glasses

What am I doing now?




Procrastinating!


Strangely, I have been living in a very laid-back way during pre-exam season. I woke up (without setting an alarm to do so), in jumpers and socks - baked an apple cake, did my laundry, read a bit of Law and read some manga, missed the bus to Caulfield, gossipped with some coursemates, attended a lecture, did some grocery, had a hot shower and here I am blogging now.


Isn't this like the life of a Tai Tai? Well, it does when you distort it a bit. . . .


. . . Woke up, still in jumpers and socks - baked an apple cake, did my laundry, read a bit of newspaper and read some magazines, missed the bus to Caulfield, gossipped with some neighbours, attended a cooking class, did some grocery, had a hot shower and here I am writing in my diary now.


7 out of the 12 things I did, didn't even need any distortion to sound 'aunty' at all! Oh no! What is happening to me?! And lemme remind you again, I am just 21. Program it in!


And I think I found out what is causing this. It is my glasses. Yep, definitely.


Ever since I started wearing or was forced to wear glasses, I have been feeling restricted. 'Restricted' in a very 'undefined' sense, but lemme try to define it here:

• physically - (the weight of the glasses + gravity = Hiro Nakamura in me), (Prevent being Hiro Nakamura + muscular straining = headache), (Hiro Nakamura action + dirty fingers = blotchy lenses), (Blotchy lenses = oily face + unclear vision + sleepiness).


• emotionally: (barrier of communication), (weak eye contact).


• dressing: (constant feeling of having a large chunk of stufffff/ a million accessories which is overshadowing youe face) Thus, (glasses + bushy bushy hair = no face see people).
  

In fact I realized this only when I was talking to a coursemate today, who has got huge blue eyes (!!), and I found myself being unnatural or a bit insecure. For I was wearing my contact lens today. Suddenly everything around me were so clear, I recognized Shimona from afar (finally. . ) and there was this weightlessness I felt or maybe, a sense of relief? Yet, suddenly I feel very 'exposed' or 'bare' - hence the insecurity. Whatever is wrong with me?

With this 'glasses' issue, what mattered is not really the 'glasses as a physical object'. It is the sense of having recovered from an eye condition which I have no control over. The desire to be free from it and the desperation to prove my victory over this illness to myself.

. . . .and the desperation to lose weight before I revert back to my 'Youthful Self' version 2006.

otaku!

My life is completely over-run by playstations rite now. . . . .

You know this has happened when you dream about an OTAKU calling you to tell you that:

• FF13 on PS3 was just a speculation when in fact, it was released for PS2.


• The speculated 'Cloud' in the teaser is in fact the Cloud we have always known, loved, adored, emphatized and drooled for.


• He cried playing that game.

The worst indication? You wake up remembering every single detail of THAT part of your dream.

These few days I have been struggling over to buy a PSP or not. And I found that I am not the only one facing this dilemma~ After all, I am the way I am now thanks to the people around me. And the people around me tend to read this blog. Since the readers of this blog are GOOD people. Then that means, the influence they emitted were GOOD and the way I am not is NO PROBLEM la. . . .

It didn't help when there are countless 'vicious vs. excited' encouragements I received. E.g.:

• To have a bogan/coursemate who bought the limited edition Crisis Core PSP hours within the discussion and call you once he pre-ordered it and labeled you a traitor for not following suit and blasting you with endless links for online purchase and even offering to let you use his credit card for it. Bogan!


• To have a sister who said straight away, "Okay, you want me to get it now? I contribute 20% of the money only ah. . . "


• To have Steve saying that he is also planning to get one soon.


• To hear the OTAKU in my earlier dream going on and on and on and on and on and on and on about Crisis Core and all the PSP perks.


• To hear the wails of pain of this heart of mine.

It didn't help as well, that I was rejecting all negative feedbacks regarding this 'desire' of mine. E.g.:

• Telling Yipi, "I don't want an NDS! I cannot betray Playstation! I love Sony!" (How OTAKU have I turned out!)


• Telling Steve- "I wanna have it now! Dun wanna wait till after exams or end of the year!"

Bad omen. Bad omen.

But -

Good decision. Good decision. You reckon?

Regardless of me getting a PSP or not in the end, this has been a good break from reality to indulge in some daydreaming or imaginative-gaming (I have been visualizing what it is like to play these games on my future PSP and PS3 (ambitious eh?)). Enjoyment doesn't always comes with a hefty price tag~ it is all in the mind!

Proof? Like PoWah in this picture - enjoyment is all in his own mind (syok sendiri).

Where?

Achievements over the week:

I handed in my 48-paged Marketing Plan! When the book store guy asked me and Chitra which type of binding we needed, we just answered, 'The cheapest one enough ady la. . . ' Shows how much love we have for dear marketing.

Impulsively, I baked a cake on Tuesday! And in case you are wondering, it is not moldy. This was a green tea cake, FYI.

The best achievement yet! Eating durian! Eating durian! Eating durian!

No further explanation needed eh?

To label baking a cake and eating durian as an achievement must be a bit far out for some of you. True enough, this would pass as an everyday-thing for some of you, or even for me if I was back home where the sun would shine bright and rain would fall hard. But now that I am here where the sun is weak and rain is usually a mere drizzle, such simple and ordinary activities appear significant. For I feel as if it links me back to somewhere, someone and something close to my heart.

I was on the bus to Caulfield, listening to my Glay when I caught one of the lines in a song which said something like this, 'If the place where I was born is to change, what should I do?'

For some reasons, it invoked memories and thoughts inside of me. Suddenly it occured to me, everything I have known or everything that pieced my life together in the past, has slowly dispersed. Not only physically but emotionally as well. Will the place where I came from still be the same when I need a place to return to in the future?

'It’s surely no coincidence that we’ve wound up together.' - 100 mankai no kisu, Glay.

It is considered fortunate to be able to establish yourself somewhere else. You get to know new people, build new networks, discover all sorts of kindness and ugliness in people, and enrich the story of your life. But, the wider the geographical scope of your life, the more dissipated the people in your life becomes. It is easy to say 'it doesn't matter for we will meet again someday', but not without some doubt or sadness. For, surely, to reunite, is not that easily done.

With each of us being at a place of our own, going through our busy life, seeing different views, walking on different soil, celebrating and sulking for different reasons - how connected can we be?

'The busier I get The more I think fondly of those days with you' - Mirror, Glay.

With each decision we make as a lonely individual leading us further and further away from each other, I wonder if the destination will eventually be the same. And if the destination was the same, I wonder if the feeling will still be the same. Will the place I return to, be a place I am familiar with or just a place I have known?

If it is not, how am I supposed to feel?

I will feel like there is no one, no place, no nothing - holding on to me in this world as I drift further and further away into the darkness that is the busy everydays that easily blinds us from the purpose of life and the belief in dreams, hopes and faith. Without all those, life is but a routine and I am nothing but an empty shell that breathes without a will to live.

'But to chase your dreams means being ignorant and cruel, as we walked, we've lost our gentleness' - Layla, Glay.

Are we just not trying hard enough to reconnect with the people around us or to treasure our home? While we are blindly chasing for superficial things we now call 'treasures' like money, status, luxury, career, have we lost sight on the real 'treasures' we should be holding on to in our heart, like memories, friends and family, love, hometowns and even old family portraits?

'I took a gamble on our future, I worked and worked and worked, And sold out both my time and my dreams, But the money I earned Couldn't fill the hole in my heart' - Mirror, Glay.

'"The most important things are never things you can see", I pretended to understand' - Layla, Glay.

I guess no one can be blamed for this. It is due to the change of our times. In fact, we are just trying to survive using our basic instincts. Instincts so basic that, maybe, just maybe, we have forsaken the deeper meaning to life and our own identity.

'When I turned around, home wasn’t a place, it was you' - White Road, Glay.

Missy-miss-miss

Oh gosh, thinking about the 'aunties' who will be arriving in this quiet haven of me in August. . .

I suddenly started missing my Sister!?

Okay, they say absence makes the heart fonder and maybe this is turning to be freaking true! What is wrong with me?!

Dun think of her! Keep your peace of mind!

But now, I am seriously missing that chubby-face and the rest of my clan back home. :-(


This was taken during a steamboat at YiMa's house back in late 2006. I have always been the normal one :-)

A shot of our reflection on the body of our then-car. As u can see, I AM the tallest one out of ALL the females in my family. A picture paints a thousand words.

Mum, Me and Sis. Like I said, I have always been the normal and the tallest on in the family :-)

I miss taking stupid pictures with my Sis. No one manifests stupidity or perform as well, as creative and as willingly as her in these occasions! *applause*

3 generations of wholesome goodness in the family. Me, Mum, Sis and GRandma. Ah. . . I miss my fringe.

. . . .And the rest of my family too of cos.

Sis and Me in sunglasses and like you can see, our noses do not support the sunnies. Our cheeks do.

And lastly, like i said over and over again, I AM THE NORMAL ONE IN THE FAMILY :-)

Miss ya all!

Past tense

The mouse I'm using is old fashioned and the right click thing is kinda dodgy. At times, pages will scroll down on its own or it will go undetected by my laptop suddenly.
But I liked it.

The purple umbrella upstairs has been abandoned by me who is not an umbrella-person. I remember the first time I opened it to find a huge Garfield print on it. Not matching at all, I thought.
But I still liked it.

The flowery socks in the pile of laundry next to me make me look like a pre-schooler, in addition to my height.
But I really liked it.

The Internet Explorer 7 confused me the first time I used it (too canggih?) and it ran slow (probably my fault)!
But I grew to like it.

The various mini-tops I received were too tight and enhanced all bulges in all body parts I knew existed.
But I honestly liked them.

And the many many imperfect things in life which I liked.

I don't wish to refer all these in the past tense. Not now, not in the future.

But like my last pack of cereal, it was free and was my comfort food all week long. But it came to an end. And I really loved it.

Is the past tense inevitable for all things?

Colours

Black and white.

Colourless.

Just the same?

Beautiful food

Food makes the world goes round. Particularly round shaped, colourful food.

Doesn't the mere sight of such lovely food bring happiness to your busy days?

With food you like, it is like happiness.

The sight of it makes your heart skip a beat.

The moment you indulge in it, you feel happiness all around you.

The sweet sweet taste that lingers in your mouth reminds you of the glee it brought.

But before long, the tastes will be gone.

Then you start to worry about the cellulite, fat or health defects it might bring.

The more you evaluate, the more evil or sinful it seems.

Before long, you are hitting the gym.

Pushing yourself. Trying to sweat it all out.

Isn't this the same as life?

Happiness are always transient and harder to capture in life.

Unhappiness always lingers and drags you deeper and deeper.

Without knowing, everything within you will be drained of its meaning - if you resort to chasing happiness blindly.

So, instead, why not rely on food?

Beautiful food.