My laptop is in ER now. I really hope it will be okay again but things are looking grim.

I dislike computer problems. Makes me feel helpless for not being able to do anything. Makes me feel guilty for having mistreated it. Makes me feel scared of losing all that I have inside.

With the way things are so computer oriented r I guess this chunk of electronics is more than just electronics. It passes as the solid form of memories, at least to me.ight now

Shiro Diary #4

Hunger = Shiro during dinner time.

Desperation = Shiro during dinner time.

Oh no Oh no Oh no

Oh My God!

I feel a million ants running up my skin and myself shivering down my spine with tingles of excitement, anxiety, adrenaline and impulse. This heart is beating so hard and fast that it is on the verge of rupturing itself. Bam.

I need to calm myself down. Wee woo Wee woo.

Shit. Not working.

Lately

Hi all. It has been a while since I have updated this rant-box of mine.

Remember my short hair more than a month back?

It has become the floppy boy cut ala Nick Carter in the 1990s.

The little Shiro in my arms around a month back. . .

Is now the A-Lot-More-Bigger Shiro (but still quite little) at 12 weeks old!

Oh and remember the cute sleeping poses of baby Shiro?

Bigger-Shiro's sleeping style is more crazy than cute right now.

Work starts from 7 a.m. for me everyday. I have to leave by 6.30 a.m. since workplace is about 20 minutes away by car which in turn means I have to wake up the latest by 5.45 a.m. since I have my whole morning routine to complete (facewash --> dress-up --> make-up --> cereal --> GO!)

Work ends at 11 a.m. at workplace number 1. Then I will have to take a 1-hour long journey to the city for Workplace number 2. Lunch is usually an express home-made sandwich (e.g. sandwich with banana+honey, avocado+honey, can of tuna, slice of cheese, nutella).

Usually the journey involves trains, trams and several drops of rain given the windy and wet weather of later. Work at ends at 4.30 p.m. and another 40 minutes spent in the train getting back to Clayton. If luck is not on my side, I will be stuck in a train during the peak hours and that means - standing and not being tall enough to hang on to a handle bar, sardine-packed and suffocated.

It all ends in a sigh of relief as I indulge in preparing dinner for everyone at 6 p.m. and a hot shower at 8.30 p.m. (in between there will be lots of praising/disciplining/screaming at Shiro).

It is always fun to think of what to cook and how to cook them. The funnest part is seeing the outcome though!

By the time I am done with showering it is usually 9 p.m. Exhaustion will seep in slowly as my eyes give way to mighty gravity.

Unhappening? I beg to differ.

Remember the barriers we put up to prevent Shiro from roaming the house and being a destroyer? Well, guess who has been practicing his jumps?

After doing experiments to ascertain, guess who has to buy a new crate for Shiro?

The time of your life

Have you ever woken up one fine day to realise that there are things which you really ought to do before it is too late?

How many times have we said 'no' just because of:

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- time issues, when we spend countless Sundays just lounging around in our pyjama till evening.

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- money issues, when we spend conciously/subconciously/unconciously on another handbag of the same colour or in the same restaurant for the same dish.

- effort/commitment issues, when we spend endless energy in unneeded dramas or conflicts in our everyday life.

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In a nutshell, when you think about it:

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We don't really have so much to do that we 'have no time to learn the piano'.

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We don't really need that much money to 'plan that holiday to Bali'.

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We don't really face so much stress that we 'don't have the mood to meet friends'.

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After all, you are reading my blog now haha.

What are the things which you have delayed or procrastinated over in life just because you think you have all the time in the world ahead of you to do so? For me:

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The trip to Japan to watch Glay in concert.

To learn the piano.

To learn to bake.

A short vacation with friends.

To return Sandakan for a reunion with high school friends.

Getting my bikini body (sigh) ready for the beach in summer.

Trying out trout-fishing.

Starting my own business.

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Now think about it. Do we really have all the time in the world ahead of us?

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Maybe we are young, we never really think that tomorrow might be the end of us. After all, lives are not meant to be lost at our age and time seems to go on forever when we are caught up in the rat-race, that is the society.

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So much so that we forget about the 'what-if's in life. What if:

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At age 65, we remembered our 22 year-old self's resolution to learn surfing?

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At age 55, we remembered the family we imagined ourselves to start with a special someone from the past during the summer at age 23?

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At age 45, we remembered the resolution to backpack around Europe we made college friends at age 21?

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At age 35, we realised our dream to be a bridesmaid/best man to our best friend has yet to happen?

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At age 22, will you still be letting any of your excuses stop you from doing all that you have in your mind?

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There is so much that I want to do. Right here right now.

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In reality, I might not be able to do all of them now. But - surely there is also a lot that I am able to do.

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Recent events have made me realise that - hey, life is too short to be procrastinated over and hola, it is never too late to starting doing things. One of the events is the movie UP, which was really heart warming and inspirational to a certain extent.

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I want to be doing more in life.

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For 22 years of my life, I have been wanting but not getting a puppy. Why?

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'My Mum doesn't life dogs.' 'My sister is afraid of dogs.' 'Our house is too small for a dog.' 'Our rented property does not allow dogs.' 'Having a dog can be time consuming and expensive.' 'I don't know how to take care of dogs.'

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And then I got Shiro.

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I still remember the very night I got Shiro, I thought to myself while staring at the ceiling before sleep - 'Will I be able to take care of him?' 'What if he grows up to be a bad dog?' 'I can't handle him on my own!'

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And now, I have never been happier. To see him grow, learn, love and ultimately, be a part of my life.

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Sure it is an added monetary expense and he takes up some of my time. But nothing compares to the experience I am having now with this white fluffy bundle of joy - including the happy times, sad times, angry times and funny times.

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I have been indulging in baking and cake decorating. I love being creative and sweet food. I baked cute cupcakes for the first time last Friday. The night before, I baked the cupcakes and stored them in an airtight container.

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The following night, while housemates and boyfriend were out rock climbing, I was flexing some arm muscles as well by kneading, rolling, colouring and decorating icing for my cupcakes. And Ta-da, my Ngeu Ngeu and Shiro cupcakes were born!

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This is Ngeu Ngeu with her grey spots and droopy ears.

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This is Shiro and yes I know, it looks a bit like a cat.

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Shiro and Ngeu Ngeu on the table.

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Even Shiro was interested in the Shiro cupcake.

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It made me very happy. I thought it was 4 hours, 400% of arm muscles well utilized.

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Ooooh, and what else have I been doing?

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Over the weekend I have been planning a trip to Tokyo :-D

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Erm, it is not like I am going any time soon but this elaborate itinerary which includes transports to take and hotel selections will serve as an immediate prompt for action as soon as tickets to Japan are on sale or Glay announces another tour!

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For now, this is still a tip-top-secret but once I am able to go and test out my plan, I'll let you in on the plan so that everyone can go as well! I have been having dreams of being in Tokyo with friends at night already. Sakura. . . . .

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So what do you really really want to do today?

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I'm going to the gym now, building my bikini body haha.

Excellent tenant

Psst. This is my 400th blog post.

The state of my room + My mum = Homicide case

My room was driving me nuts. How did it end up being so messed up?

Let's see, a few day or procrastination, a few clothes yet to be ironed, a few pieces of fresh laundry yet to be folded, a few letters rotting on the desk, a few sets of wires from who-knows-where, a few used Metcards, a few too many hair clips and a few specks of dust *poof*

The moral of this story is: Never wait until the last minute when bad becomes worse.

Actually the moral of the story hit me only when our real estate agent suddenly requested for an inspection (a prospective buyer wanted to view the house) and I had no choice but to say yes and publicise my messy room to a group of strangers. Luckily the strangers they don't know whose room is which!

'. . . currently tenanted by excellent tenants. . . ' read the big marketing billboard outside my house. Gosh, talk about living up to sky-high expectations.

Last night, Miss Lo cleaned and tidied up her whole room. It is now all neat and comfy. I feel happy and satisfied after that.

Excellent tenant. Talk about pressure to perform. Having those words printed in front of my house is like having dear Mum right here with her Hawk's Eye.

I miss ding experiments

I love cooking, especially baking. This is because they are like mini experiments. I present to you here Project Raspberry Apple Muesli Muffins.

You prepare every little component- the cutting, slicing, mashing, crumbling.

You use little instruments to ensure accuracy, from the small trusty weighing scale to the big PMS-y oven.

Then come the tiny pots of carefully measured ingredients - sitting there all colourful and waiting to be delicious. White powder in the form of flour and not calcium (Ca) powder. Chunks of red in the form of raspberries and not magnified red blood cells. Small white cubes in the form of sugar and not Drosophila melanogaster (fruit fly) babies :-D

Just like in an experiment, you have your star ingredients which will make or break your final results! In this case, they are raspberries, apples and muesli! Project Healthy Muffin :-)

The fun part is always the process of mixing, heating, blending, whisking, beating, kneading.

For every experiment, especially in biology, there is a yucky part like dissecting a rat, picking fainted Drosophilas and blending an animal liver. For me, the yucky part of today was pouring in the milk. Yuck, hate milk.

Then you stir and stir and stir and stir. This is usually the time you talk and talk or complain and complain to your lab partners about the lab sessions, the lab demo, the weather, the big life issues, the period cramps and the bad cafeteria food. How I miss.

Finally the star ingredients are added in. This is the most crucial time when you are silent and serious and every one of your lab partners are holding their breaths. At the same time, it also means time to go home soon, which is always good.

Towards the finale, everyone would have heaved a sigh and be feeling pretty good about themselves - regardless of the final result - cause that is something to be worried about later during the report-writing stage.

I like waiting times during experiments. The mere seconds for centrifugations. The very minutes for enzyme reaction. The good hours for chromatography. The long days for bacterial growth. Mostly, the minutes passing by as your hard work bakes up with a tummy-rumbling aroma~

What is better than an experiment? Good results. Like these nicely-browned muffins. Bites after bites of juicy berries and zesty apple cubes.

Mm hmm, a successful experiment on a Sunday afternoon. I admired this like how I used to admire the beautiful blue of a certain chemical element (oh gosh how bad does this sound?).

And it seemed like my lab partner for this experiment was yet again, asleep near my feet:-D

I miss the laboratory days in science. The white coats and lab manuals and head scratching. I miss pippetting and nutrient agars.

Anyone wants a lab assistant for a day?

*The muffins ended up not sweet enough so I slapped some creme de luche on each of them - Results fabrication?

A slow sunday for me

Last Sunday I finally had the chance for some me-time. A time especially for me to do whatever I want to. So I decided to bake a cake to surprise Ray. It was hardly a surprise really, as he saw me buy the ingredients and caught me still mixing the frosting when he came back from church (The online recipe stated preparation time as 45 minutes, total fraud - I spent 2 hours+)

Shiro came home to keep me company (and busy by going pee-crazy) while I baked my cake.

It was like having a mini heater, a furry animated one. While we waited for the cake to bake, I took a few pictures with Shiro using the camera timer and only one turned out decent.

I tried my hand for the first time at cake decorating and discovered a burning interest (gonna be a passion in 3 minutes time haha) in this field. It was so much fun! I have always loved cooking so what more, cooking-beautifying? This is my first invention of art ahem.

Lemon cake with frosting.

A chocolate chip heart filled with custard.

Fill the heart with red raspberries!

What did I name this cake? 'Bleeding Love'.

Why?

See T.T The custard was too fluid/ too thick to hold the raspberries in place T.T Proving more is not always better T.T

So I scraped this as a surprise for Ray. More like a shock. But everyone said the combination of taste (lemon+custard+raspberries) rocked.

In an attempt to make Shiro more accustomed to other dogs and start behaving more like a dog, we asked Daniel to bring his Ngeu Ngeu over. Ngeu Ngeu (Cow Cow in cantonese) is named likewise due to the patches of black on her resembling a cow. And true to her name, according to Daniel, she is strong like a cow. Woo.

No more being laughed at for being timid or attacking like a cat (Shiro lifts his left paw whenever he feels scared of an approaching animal, you say cat or not?!), or MEOW-ed at, Shiro!

Below is the chain of events that happened when Shiro woke up from his nap to see Ngeu Ngeu in front of him.

Oh, meow.

I think Shiro really looks like a cat sometimes. . .

We have been so busy ever since Shiro came with his amazing pee-poos and cuteness, of course, that we have not taken a proper picture with Shiro before. So we decided to loads starting from then on.

1st try:

Me (while maintaining smile): He's licking my teeth.... He's licking my teeth.... Iyaaaaaa!!

2nd Try:

Me: Shiro up here...up here...

Ray: Shiro look camera, camera!

3rd Try:

Ray: Don't worry, I'll make him look at the camera this time, I promise it will be a good shot!

Good try =.="

Sorry to disappoint if it seemed like a boring day to you. I guess my life is just not so exciting. Obasan here likes queit me-time *cough cough*.

To interrupt the lazy slow flow of this post here, let me show you this picture! With Ray's brown jacket and my short hair I feel so boy here. Ooh la la, I love looking boyish - it makes me wanna sing :-)

Shiro Diary #4

Shiro is really attached to people. He gets along better with people than with dogs. Maybe it is because we took him in while he was still very young and he never really had the chance to interact with other puppies/dogs.

This is one interesting video. Everytime as soon as he hears Ray's car driving into the driveway, his ears will perch up and within a second, he will be dancing on his two hindlegs - looking and looking until Ray appears.

I wonder if he will do the same to me :-(

Hey are you happy now?

Hey You,

how has today been treating you so far? Was the weather kind to you? Did you run into a good friend?

As for me, today I am just sitting in front of a computer again doing what I love most, reading and thinking. The weather here has been a bit too cold and wet for my liking but I have now a lively heater in the form of Shiro, so I am feeling warm inside out.

As we grew up and apart from each other, I wonder what road you are taking now and more importantly, is it leading you towards where you want to go and most importantly, are you happy now?

As for readers whom I have never met, I wonder the same about you.

What is on your mind?

What makes you happy lately? Shiro makes me happy - to see him learn so much and grow into a handsome dog makes me feel glad. Mr Tan makes me smile - through the rain, through the fire. Family and friends - just the thought of them lights up my day. The fact that I am still not giving up makes me very proud of myself.

What has been troubling you? Career is the first and foremost issue to me. The uncertainties spell insecurity. The hunger for achievement leads to frustration. Damaged relationships become the second. Relationships, being as abstract as they are and as complicated as a human mind can be, are so hard to be healed. Thirdly, the bikini body age-old issue.

Where are you going to? I am not sure. In the picture, I am walking along this long, narrow and straight road with vast green fields on each side under a very blue sky. I take small steps sometimes. But occasionally, I feel the need to sprint for a while. The end of the road never seems to appear and because of that I keep walking. For I want to see my destination.

Do you need strength now? I am strong enough to pick myself up whenever I feel defeated. From time to time, this strength gets exhausted and I panick over the thought of exposing my weakness to the ugly bad world. But, if there are people who reach out and help whenever this happens, hey, that must mean that the world is not so bad and ugly after all, isn't it?

Are you happy? Yes, I am.

To everyone reading this, it doesn't matter whether I know you or not, I know the world can be a big, scary place and reality can be harsh, cruel. I know despite the billions of people in this world, one can feel out of place and lonely. I know despite the money and materials out there, true happiness can only come from the within of someone.

So, please just let me tell you this: I wish you to be happy.

Pictures that have been missing

It has been soooooooooooooooooo long since I took any pictures of anything/anyone other than Shiro.

I have not been taking pictures of myself. Vanity, self-love gone to point zero. I haven't had moments of "Oooh, I look pretty good today" or "Yatta, great outfit choice!" or "Flat tummy day alert!" for a long time now.

I have not been taking pictures of me and Ray. The truth is, we seldom took any pictures together - not the self-taken ones, even. I am sometimes too shy for that. Eventhough I do think it is cute when other couples do that and think it is a good way to store memories (of while we are still young, considerably young).

When we first started the relationship, I was too shy to do so, he was too thick to do so/realize. A year later, we were in different countries. Another year later, I was all shy again to do so and he was still too thick to realise. A few more months later, I was not hoping anymore and he was still too thick to do anything. Now, I am too busy with Shiro, eating and battling the economy crisis while he is too busy with Shiro, eating and battling the economy crisis as well.

I have not been taking pictures with friends. Hm, just kind of lost the enthusiasm to? Or maybe I am drawn towards the stereotypical view that adults don't go trigger-happy/crazy (as in on their cameras) at every single kacang event on earth? And so, to snap no pictures and have not visual memories of my life so far this year?

Hence, I made a resolution on a Sunday morning spent cleaning poop of beloved Shiro's (the 'aromatherapy' cleared my mind I guess).

Time for more pictures.

Less holding back.

I have cut short all my hair.
I have cleared my backyard.
I have cleaned up poop.

Decluttering always feels so good.