Rite now...

Rite now, Miss Lo is at a phase where she doesn't know what she wants or how she feels. Like a middle-aged balding guy sifting thru the many channels of Astro not knowing anyone of them. Except that I am falling thru pages and pages of some shoujo manga to which I am not even interested in.

Usually shoujo mangas perk up my mood, or at least makes me feel slightly giddy in the way it puts love and romance above all else. Somehow, it makes your brain less tense and your smile more natural. But in the end, you still end up going to bed not knowing what you want and how you feel. I guess tonight had just been a waste of time or a deliberate attempt to drag time to make yourself tired enough to sleep without having to think of anything at all.

The action of people are a lot of times, contradictory. People who jokes the hardest are often the most insecure inside. People who have a lot of contacts are often the loneliest at heart. People who smile and say the perfect yes are always stranger than those who dare to say no to us. People who acts cold are often the one in need of most support and warmth.

I am pretty sure all people are aware of these facts. If that is so, why do we still spend time guessing what others' intentions are, hiding our own feelings? Then it leads to the misreading of everything we conceal. If this is a mistake well recognized, why do we still lack the courage or initiative to communicate and release all that is locked inside?

Let the heavy emotions drown you as it sink into the depth of despair? Maybe it is just like digging a grave for yourself. But despite calmly writing all this, I wonder why I am still the way I am.

Allow me to trust you

It is freaky how this issue of trust has haunted me these few days. First of all, there was this lecturer of mine. Being a business person, he gave a very true quote which was meant to be applied in business terms, of course, which goes off like this:

"To trust, one must be prepared to be vulnerable. For trust cannot be broken if you did not hand it out in the first place."

I couldn't help feeling how accurately it depicts my feelings towards the trust issue. Some might call me guy-ish or wannabe-independent, but it is the lack of trust that makes me so. Lack of trust probably makes it sound bad so I always offer myself and others a few options:

- I am holding back personal issues.
- I lack security in life.
- I am simply not confident enough.
- I am born timid.

So basically the problem stems in me. Simple words of displeasure, mere words, can make me waver and quiver. Then doubts creep in and my mind goes spiralling downwards.

Until I read the result of a personality test I did on facebook just now! It is called the Dr. Phil Test on Facebook. . . and my results showed. . .

'Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful and practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken.'

What is wrong with me! So it is in me!

Come to think of it. I have always been scared of uncertainties, the unknown and instability. Whenever there is a blackout, I wouldn't be able to move because I dunno what is lying before me: ground, hole or obstruction. Whenever I gain someone to rely on, I would hold back after a while because I dunno how long it will last.

Trust. What is it?
Naturally, I googled it up on Dictionary.com and found a few noteworthy explanations:

-reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
-confident expectation of something; hope.
-to believe.
-allow without fear.

Upon reading this, I really wonder. Does 'trust', complete trust, really exist in this world?

So, I extended my research to Wikipedia, although not really a recognized source. . .

-Trust is a relationship of reliance.
-Based on the most recent research, a failure in trust may be forgiven more easily if it is interpreted as a failure of competence rather than a lack of benevolence or honesty.
-Once trust is lost, by obvious violation of one of these three determinants, it is very hard to regain trust.

After reading this part, it makes more sense. Trust is really all around us. Rather than being born, trust is killed off one after another as time goes by. Although this killing is essential to allow only real trusting relationships to prevail, the hurt and insecurity it produces along the way retards the development of new trusting bonds with new individuals we meet later in life. With the number of failed trust relationships overshadowing the successful ones, we start to forget the beauty of real trust and even give up ever building new trusting bonds altogether.

Maybe this is what happened to me. Maybe I should really re-examine everything around me.

Then, maybe I can change.

Nice weather~

I have been played over and over again by the weather of Melbourne for the past few days. Instead of being pitied on, I was mocked by words such as, "You never been here before meh?" and " Wah, so country, wear until like that not hot meh?".

Well, thing is, I trusted the weather forecast and my own intuition (very accurate intuition) everyday! So stop asking me why why why.

The weather was super hot the first 2, 3 days here, so I wore shorts and tees to stay cooler and also to show off my chilli-hot-body (ahem ahem). Then suddenly it rained early one morning, so lazy me thought that a shower would just slightly dampen the air. The heat would probably suck up all the coldness like the way it does in Malaysia. BUT.

It became chillingly cold and what more, rain poured on me. Clever, rite? Immediately, I called Mr Dri...Daniel and asked him to 'please' fetch me back for a change of nice, warm clothes. Angered by this whole thing, I decided to do the extreme.

I transformed into KAKASHI~! Nyahaha!

Black long jeans with a black long sleeved turtleneck top and a blue coat over me. Left eye closed due to my eye drops. Kakashi-ness was me.

Smart people never fall for the same trick twice, so the next day I wore another long sleeved top and long jeans. Walked out the front door being greeted by the cool morning breeze, I smiled in silent victor. Then the sun came out blazing in the afternoon, and I walked home a sweat-drenched Kakashi.

Finally today I wore a short sleeved tee (in case of hot) and long black jeans (in case of cold), with a coat tucked into my bag (in case of just anything). Must be alrite with all these preparation. Walked to campus centre and back with no weather complication. Satisfied, I sat my butt down only to receive a call asking me to return to campus centre for something else. So what else, another trip la. Only this time, . . "Eh, Daniel ah, free or not?".

Tattoo-hoo!

As things start to assemble together, my days here are getting more carefree and my mood certainly better. Our house is welcoming us ady~ and furniture hunting will commence soon (I hope!). It is nice to have a lot of helpful people around you~!

As I was walking under the burning sun towards uni today, I tot I might as well show u guys a glimpse of what I see everyday while walking.

Although not really visible, the sun was really really glaring at me hard. But I really like the peaceful and quiet air in this picture. I walk along pavements such as these for around 10 minutes before I reach the boundaries of Monash itself as shown in the next picture!

I didn't have any orientation which must be attended today, so I just lounged around the Matheson Library before meeting up with Daniel for lunch and then bubble tea. Daniel of cos didn't change much, still with the surname Lame. Nyahaha. But during lunch, something occured to me.

"Have I been eating such LARGE portions all year long during my exchange year?"

No!!!!!

The BBQ Pork Rice I ordered was seriously huge, just like my sis's erm...never mind. And the lamest thing was when Daniel Lame announced so proudly that he will be bringing me to taste nice Malaysian food 3 days after I left Malaysia. Clever boy, rite?

Anyway, I suddenly came across the word 'tattoo' in a book while in the library which prompted me to look through my handphone for some valuable but forgotten pictures. Did you know that I actually got some cool-to-the-max tattoos once upon a time?

Cool? Not at all! For I got a cheapskate tattoo-ist with a cheap blue ballpen who did this for me while she slacked off her Economics work. The most uncool fact? I forgot about it and walked all around ColdStorage (a supermarket) displaying it to the whole world of Subang Parade, until a very short sighted cousin of mine told me!

This is basically how my holiday was spent.

I have been happy about another fact! My future house is located quite near to the bus loop! So that means. . . . my happy feet can walk there in high heels! And in case you are wondering why I would suffer like that, please dun worry for me. For I have learnt the secret to all this. Courtesy of Miss Glyniss Ng, I present you the secret formula to comfort and glamour.

My second day

Today I feel revitalized and young again! Why?
Cos I attended my Orientation at a campus new to me!

Hey, there really is an after-effect in being the oldest batch of final semester student for half a year back in Sunway last year okay!? I was older than all the Mr Monash nominees (well, almost all).

Anyway, I was all giggly, shy and slightly clumsy in a cutesy way (emphasized) today. Just the way I was way back when I still loved Sailormoon and never fought physically. Everything seemed so strange to me cos I forgot almost everything about Aussie haha. I didn't even realize I entered Clayton, which is MY zone or used to be my zone, while on my way back from the airport. Until Uncle Tan asked me, "You still remember The Knot rite?". Embarassing? Well, no. Cos, of cos I acted like I knew. What else!

Although my current nest is just a temporary one, I have just viewed my future permanent nest. Looks kinda cool. Cooler than SiewChin's last house here cos this time, there are two COOL factors staying in this house! ME and WENJI. Don't disagree with me in my blog!!

Anyway, the whole house is carpeted so it has a homey-feel to it (maybe cos I am too accustomed to my hairy body haha, so I felt oh-so-family). The living room itself is really spacious so our BIG tv from WenJi will definitely fit in just FINE. The kitchen is my favourite part as it has got that counter thing which my Mum had always wanted. The rooms are nice and cozy as well and as we like to describe it - 'A bit bigger than Howitt' room. There is a built in wardrobe! How nice is that!

My life so far (precisely 2 days) here has been really nice. I have people cooking for me, accompanying me everywhere, old friends looking over me and so much more. Oh! I actually vomitted so many paragraphs out so accidentally, deviating from my main topic: Orientation!!

I learnt a lot of new facts about my course today.

1) Asian-populated - Approximately 5 ang mohs out of 35 students.

2) Malaysian-invaded - 7 Malaysians and counting in 35 students.

3) Flexibile-timetable - So flexible that THEY can change from week to week.

4) Block-lectures - Meaning, there can be 4-6 hours of continuous lectures for 5 continuous days.
For one unit. Then the exam comes when you have forgotten the whole
block.

5) Big-named-lectures - Somehow, the names just seem so big. I feel so small.

6) Travel-always - I have two units in Clayton, about 3 in the city and 7 in Caulfield. How to
wear heels?

7) Holiday-less - Seems like it. Mid sem break will have classes. Mid year break should be
allocated with block lectures. (Attn: Choo)

So that is the summarized version of all the shock I got today. In fact, I heard shocked or maybe freaked-out gasp from Chitra when the person said that the Vice Chancellor of our uni attended the final presentation of the students in this course last year. I laughed my head off . . . inside.

With 6 units per semester and no holidays, I am surprisingly excited and glad I took this course. Why it is so, I can't quite explain still! Wait till the inspiration comes!

So for the days to come, I will be busy collecting furniture for my new house, getting into the mood for studies, settling stuffs like my bank account etc here and look forward to making this year a meaningful one!

Being here

Surreal is how I would describe today and yesterday. Although some might complain about the duration needed to travel from KL to Melbourne, I, as an orang kampung, am totally in disbelief as to how a mere few hours on a plane can change everything around you.

By this age, I guess a lot of people would have already accepted the fact that this is what aeroplanes do.

But, along with the change of location, so much more is different - the environment, people, feeling. Typical of me, I shed a tear or two the moment I stepped away from my family. It is not a matter of sadness which made me cry. Sometimes I dun even know why I behave like a 3 year old still despite the very mature face I have (according to unreliable sources, I look mature!). Honestly, I understand that this separation is something both me and my family wants and that it is for the better of everyone. So why the tears?

In KL, I am forever enveloped by warmth and protection in a comfort zone created by my family. While longing to pursue my dreams once again in Aussie, I was reluctant to leave this comfort zone. So walking away from my family at the airport was like being nudged out of this warm shell into a totally different air.

Airports have always had some kinda coldness to it. Other than the occasional group of smiley people travelling in groups or tours, usually you see one after another blank face, each isolated at their own seats, or even their own little world. This creates a stillness in the night which somehow, makes self-pity or self-wallowing an easy trap to all.

And then there is the almost-always dreadful experience on-flight. Wailing babies, zombie-sleeping 'neighbours', cold/hard muffins, turbulence. All which I would not mind a single bit given I was going on a holiday! What injected the dreadfulness in the whole flight, is frustration. Frustration born from us leaving our comfort zone, mixed with hints of fear of the unknown and a dash of excitement to find out.

I have heard people say, "It will be fine once you get used to the separation". Although comforting, it is pathetic in another way. To get used to being separated from someone important, is that what we really want? What if I got too used to it? So what good it is for me to leave everything important for a dream only to lose these important 'everthing' at the end of a long battle?

Some questions do have no answers.
Or maybe there is no need for an answer at all.
For we are the answer itself.

We determine the outcome of everything regarding this.
So never blame the dream, the cash, the place, nor the others.

House crisis

Maybe it is just the jitters. But I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by the whole going for my Master in Aussie in two weeks' time. Which is a bit strange, seeing this is not my first time. So lately, my emotions had been riding up and down like a roller coaster which would even scare the cellulite off Lowena. So you can be sure that it really throws you off.

Ups with excitement of meeting old friends and places once familiar.
Downs with frustration at all the things I have to tackle before setting my foot there.

I must admit I am somewhat a planner kinda person. 'Somewhat' - cause I dun really do it like for example, I just do something with intuition and 'inspiration+creativity' as my lead. 'Somewhat' - as well cause I like to know that everything is in order and that I am in control (as much as I can) of things around me.

Not a control freak tho, as I tend to have selective-seeing and do hope to have selective-hearing. Then the world will be much more beautiful.

Eventhough there is only 1 thing among all the other millions of petty and also, scary stuffs which I have remaining unsettled, I freak and will try to pull all stops to have it settled. And if I can't do a thing about it, I freak and just freak.

So as I remain homeless and please envision poor Me looking up at the dark grey skies with raindrops falling down my harsh-winter-flushed-pink-cheeks so you can't separate tears from raindrops. Do you want that to happen to me? IF no, please donate to the Provide A Shelter For Loretta fund. Thanks 'first' for the first donation, Choo. Wahaha.

I am desperate for a house. And I can do nothing to ease this desperation. So-
I am frustrated for this process. And I can do nothing to speed up the process. So-
I am angry for this helplessness. And I can do nothing to help cos I am helpless. So-
I am hungry for using too much energy for this. So-

I eat.

And continue the cycle.