Sunday, February 17, 2008

Being here

Surreal is how I would describe today and yesterday. Although some might complain about the duration needed to travel from KL to Melbourne, I, as an orang kampung, am totally in disbelief as to how a mere few hours on a plane can change everything around you.

By this age, I guess a lot of people would have already accepted the fact that this is what aeroplanes do.

But, along with the change of location, so much more is different - the environment, people, feeling. Typical of me, I shed a tear or two the moment I stepped away from my family. It is not a matter of sadness which made me cry. Sometimes I dun even know why I behave like a 3 year old still despite the very mature face I have (according to unreliable sources, I look mature!). Honestly, I understand that this separation is something both me and my family wants and that it is for the better of everyone. So why the tears?

In KL, I am forever enveloped by warmth and protection in a comfort zone created by my family. While longing to pursue my dreams once again in Aussie, I was reluctant to leave this comfort zone. So walking away from my family at the airport was like being nudged out of this warm shell into a totally different air.

Airports have always had some kinda coldness to it. Other than the occasional group of smiley people travelling in groups or tours, usually you see one after another blank face, each isolated at their own seats, or even their own little world. This creates a stillness in the night which somehow, makes self-pity or self-wallowing an easy trap to all.

And then there is the almost-always dreadful experience on-flight. Wailing babies, zombie-sleeping 'neighbours', cold/hard muffins, turbulence. All which I would not mind a single bit given I was going on a holiday! What injected the dreadfulness in the whole flight, is frustration. Frustration born from us leaving our comfort zone, mixed with hints of fear of the unknown and a dash of excitement to find out.

I have heard people say, "It will be fine once you get used to the separation". Although comforting, it is pathetic in another way. To get used to being separated from someone important, is that what we really want? What if I got too used to it? So what good it is for me to leave everything important for a dream only to lose these important 'everthing' at the end of a long battle?

Some questions do have no answers.
Or maybe there is no need for an answer at all.
For we are the answer itself.

We determine the outcome of everything regarding this.
So never blame the dream, the cash, the place, nor the others.

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