Monday, May 10, 2010

And I thought I was perfect

The period of my life I hated most was in primary school.

Me: I don't like myself back in primary school. I think I was proud and arrogant.
Friend X: . . . . . . haha, I kinda think so too.

Back then I was always the top in class and assistant to teachers so I was flying high. So high that I thought I was way up above as compared to the others.

I began to demand and insist on what I want, and in the process lost sight of reason and the need to be considerate.

I would head straight into verbal fights just to defend my point of view - no matter if it is right or wrong. I would boss people around thinking I was doing the best for them - no matter if that was their wish or not. I would do anything I want and still insist I was right - no matter if I knew I was wrong or not.

Tantrums were regular.

However, the turning point came on that very day I let down my pride and said my first voluntary SORRY to my Mum. Straight away without hesitation, she pulled me close and said, "Let's go for an American breakfast". It happened in front of Hotel Lutana.

The period of time in my life I regretted the most was in junior high school.

I was a total hormonal wreck, scrambled with self-esteem issues and too busy finding my calling, in one word - EMO.

I would fall into an endless cliff of depression - over nothing at all - before bouncing back to the sunshine land of hope and no pimples. But with me refering this as my dark age, you can pretty much guess that I was down hiding in those cliffs of depression 90% of the time.

Every single thing would tick me off - the way my Sis crossed her legs, no homework from school, the crowded school bus. Everyone seemed to hate me - I was not beautiful enough, not smart enough, not popular enough.

Unbeknownst to me, no one or nothing was out to get me at all. I was the one in attributing every failure and obstacles in life to other factors external of me, trying hard to escape from fault or blame.

People don't talk to me - they hate me. But did I attempt to be friendly?
My Sis makes me angry - she hates me. But I made her angry before too, right?
My family scolds me - they don't love me. But did I show love to them?
Bad luck haunts me - the world hates me. But did I open up my eyes to see the good things I have?

Again, the change came when my Mum confronted me outside of Hotel Sandakan after a yumcha session long of black face + silent treatment action from me to all my relatives. She asked me what was wrong and I seriously had no idea what was wrong but was not ready to back down.

It made me realise how much time I have wasted - being unhappy for nothing and ungrateful for what I had.

One word I remember clearly out of my Mum's mouth that day was "stubborn".

The period of time I reminisce the most about is my high school years.

Stripped out pride and growing out of my emo-ness, I made friends - really good ones. I have never been so happy.

I had people to confide to about my biggest mistakes, silliest moments and problems.
I had people to spend quality time with despite not doing anything at all.
I had people I can rely on and at the same time protect.

I reconnected with family members. Just by talking more, expressing more, opening up more, initiating more and really, by being myself.

For the first time I found myself.

I was not actually that shy, that much of a hermit, nor am I that serious and studious. I was also not that into textbooks and sketching sceneries.

I am actually quite talkative and have a love for wholesome gossip. I am also an energy bunny capable of ingenius jokes and sinister tricks (not harmful!). I am loyal to friends. I love having company and really being adventurous with people with the same mind. I love video games and Japanese music.

I realised that one discovers who he/she is only through interaction with others and experiences/lessons earned in the process.

When I was emo, I was merely lost and frustrated without an outlet to vent out to.

And I remember my Mum saying, "I think you are really starting to enjoy life now, I am glad."

The period of time in my life I cherish the most is my first year in Australia.

I came over a bubbly and naive person, totally oblivious to what the outside world held - not to mention living alone.

Homesickness pangs came and went but I cherish this part of my life because:-
I started really appreciating my family.
I learnt to take care of myself.
I built a network of friends equivalent to a new family unit in Melbourne.
I experienced independence and loved it.
I found love again and again, loved it.

Lucky me. I learnt to let go of pride before this so I daresay, I became more confident without letting myself be arrogant.

I realised I learnt this much when my Grandma bought me two pieces of mango cake from the pasar. She booked them before hand and made sure she did not de-shape the cakes. She then handed them to me and said they were the best and cheapest mango cakes ever. I have seen prettier and eaten tastier mango cakes before (easily anywhere) but none of them have tasted so beautiful before.

I really really miss my Grandmas now. :)

The period of my life I value most is my jobseeking phase.
I fell from grace to hell, from being ambitious to self doubts, from hopes and dreams to despair.
I had the worst interview ever before being given a golden opportunity.
I heard the most sarccastic and inconsiderate remarks but also received the best encouragements and support I am not even sure I deserve.
What I gained out of this experience is invaluable - humility, appreciation and some much-needed growing up.
Till this day, I am still as stubborn as ever. But I truly believe that I am much softer - at least by 30%? - than before.
I have done some bad decisions in life but also a fair share of good deeds.
I am still on my way to becoming a better person:-
- by rebuilding my confidence damaged during jobseeking.
- by improving my patience and soothing the stubborn monster inside.
- by listening more to others and being more accepting
- by believing in myself and also putting more trust in others
and ultimately,
- by promising to keep learning to become a better person.

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