Sunday, July 15, 2007


This word reminds me of Dennis.

"Pride hou hou tei ah... Mok Chuen hou yeng zhai ah....."
But then that is not the point of this post! (Hurls Dennis out of my mind.)

There is this barrier in me stopping me from doing something I really wish to or want to or even, think I should in all rights. You know it is strong when it keeps bugging your mind, like the Dennis-Pride thing but this is different in that I cannot just toss it out.

Once semester starts, perhap I'll be too caught up in my work (as usual) to let it bother me any longer? Hm, problem is, this time I don't wish to just forget about it. The feeling of looking on as something is developing into a problem. Helpless at how distant it seem despite everything involved being so near to me. Clueless as to what to do to ease the tension in myself.

Approaching my twenties (or approached, it doesn't really matter, ne?), really gave me different outlooks in life. I learnt the importance of caring for the ones I love. Family, friends, and people who just deserve the best. Learnt to identify the different ways others use to convey their care to me as well. Dad buys me grapefruits before he goes outstation always, although he himseld despises everything grapefruit. Small things like this can make one really happy, but can also be easily missed and be taken for granted. If this happens, you are just losing out of so much in life. So it is important to appreciate all little things in life.

So why not let go of some pride?
Show that you care. Make things right in this world.
Easier said than done.
Ho hee.

Actually what is so hard about telling the truth?
Being vulnerable sometimes despite knowing it might help?
To show your true feelings?

Somehow, the words I wish to say, the actions I intend, everything. Remains bottled up inside of me. Guarded by angst due to mixed emotions of disappointment, fear, anger and frustration. This is the barrier I guess.
And I am weak for not being able to overcome it.

Why can't I be more mature and act for the best of the situation?
Why am I so weakened by this thing called pride?
I hate all these.

A lot of people suffer because of pride. But that doesn't mean I should.
But that doesn't mean I won't.
For now, at this moment, I am suppressed and suffocating because of my stupid pride. And I might just regret this stupid decision of mine very soon. Weak.

Suddenly I feel young for battling with my inner self as most teenagers do! Haha. I'll try my best.

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