Sickness

Sometimes, a word or two can bring you down, making you feel so vulnerable and weak.

Hurting inside, cursing yourself - looking for the confidence which was right there a minute ago.

It is funny, how you think you have healed, or how a simple gesture would turn out to be a big deal to you and at least, made you feel like you have healed.

In the process of healing, usually another party is involved.
When another party is involved, trust is usually given.
When trust is given, weaknesses are exposed.
When weaknesses are exposed, vulnerability is shown.

Words can are like spears.
They strike right at the weakest spot.

Making you realize while you were healing, you have bet your vulnerability, fear and trust into this person. Being dependent - thinking he/she will guide me through.
- thinking he/she will understand
- never expecting him/her to say things just like the others do.

At that very moment, it feels like, reality is just gobbling me up.
What trust. What belief. What 'try'.
In the end, what really matters?

Or in a more ironic tone, why does it matter so much so badly?

I was glad and really thankful and relieved when you were able to force it onto me, making me feel a thousand times lighter and believe that you would understand for all time. You helped me build up my confidence for once after all this while and in you, I found acknowledgement, support and assurance. In a sense, I bet every single thing onto you.

But, I never thought I would hear that 'term', the so damn familiar 'term', from you.
What was confidence and assurance I kept reminding myself withm from you, became only a strike that brought me down to the lowest of reality, the lowest of me.

I wonder since when did I become so weak and useless - so much so that, I have to seek assurance from someone else and be so easily destroyed by words from someone else.

'Someone else'. Why does it even matter so much.
Where is my own presonality. Where is my own pride. Where the hell is everything I need rite now.

I hate the way things are.
I should not need to depend on other's opinions, assurance or whatever it is.
Isn't this my own life? Why am I not strong enough to convince myself?

I used to be able to. I used to feel in control of myself.

But not lately. I realized, as you commit more of yourself to someone else, the less in control you are of yourself. The more you pour out - heart, soul, feelings, trust, faith, everything - the more attached you are. But at the same time, the more exposed you are. It is like a huge bet.

Either keep it a 'trade secret' and enjoy the privilege of gaining from this monopoly for as long as it is a secret, or publish it as a 'patent' and enjoy the pivilege of a temporary monopoly governed by law and regulations. I chose to 'patent'. Now, I feel like an 'infringment' or a 'breach of confidence' has occured. And I have no strength to 'sue' the other party over it.

It really was such a simple thing.
Why am I not able to hold myself together?
What good am I?
I am no good at all.

More than a coward, more than a retard, more than a piece of junk.