When you are disappointed, here here.

Disappointment was the main theme of my last week. Along with lethargy, disinterested-ness, social-outcasting-ing and excuses to sleep.

There was so much to be disappointed about last week.
Actually, no.
There is always so much to be disappointed about.

The lack of job security after months of floating in uncertainty.

The absence of financial stability leading to part-time/casual jobs here there everywhere.

The friends who, by heart or by mistake, hurt you in ways big or small.

The figure that seems to be losing the winter expansion battle.

The old friends who do not seem to remember to talk anymore.

The boyfriend who seems more interested in YouTube on your gloomiest day.

The future which seems like it is going nowhere.

The dinner that tasted less salty as it should have been.

The blog which seems as much of a deadspace as I-don't-even-know-what.

It is true that there is so much to be disappointed about all the time.
But at the same time, there is so much you can do to not dwell in disappointment.

People always say how nice/true relationships are when we were young, when we would show all our emotions without holding back. Loving, crying, fighting to loving, crying, fighting - in a cycle - to the fullest. Now, we approach each of them - loving, crying, fighting - with caution. Thinking before we act.

It is not a matter of being insincere or being less innocent. We are just more educated/experienced. We know how such actions could potentially hurt others and damage relationships.

Fans were disappointed when Michael Jackson was linked to the much publicised controversies in the later part of his life. I bet Michael Jackson was disappointed as well at how his fans and the media responsed towards him.

The difference between now and then is - Michael Jackson is no longer with us.

All that disappointment claimed by his fans is now regret and guilt.

The truth is, we can all be disappointed at everything in this world at any point of our life. We can blame everyone else for every single bit of this disappointment.

But call me fake, call me insincere - I would prefer to act indifferent towards disappointment. Or if I am strong enough, even avoid being disappointed. I would prefer talking things through despite how hard it is to hold back my tears, numbing my senses or hardening my heart towards emotions, taking a step back to prevent an uglier ending and upholding my pride and dignity to live as me, myself and I.

All just because, I would wanna maintain these friendships, build this relationship and most importantly, to continue believing in people.

A momentary act of rudeness, arrogance, selfishness or just blind fury/jealousy can easily cost you little things in life that are always so significant with regards to regret and guilt. As imperfect as I am, this is the one thing I would like to practice and excel at.

There is so much disappointment only when you allow yourself to be disappointed.

Breath a sigh. Close your eyes. Smile for yourself.

There is so much to be happy about in life.

The speck on sunshine on a gloomy day.

The messy hair sported by the punky girl at the train station.

The hot guy who 'accidentally' held the small of your back while breathing a 'hi' near your ear in a not-that-packed train.

The Betty-Crocker Cake Mix on sale at Coles.

The rumor that Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Cooper are an item.

The new trick to eat Tim Tam called Tim Tam Slam.

The fact that your period is here and bringing away all signs of bloatiness.

The invitation to shopping-at-DFO by girlfriends.

The phonecall from your Mum asking you not to eat pork in fear of H1N1.

If there are a million things to complain about in a day, there must be at least one thing to smile about as well. And after remembering the one thing, I am sure another a million and one thing would flow in.

Picking up the pieces

When life has been greyer than grey, when the future seems gloomier than gloomy, when the turn of events get worse than worse, when emotions are darker than dark, when energy becomes more negative than negative.

Do what you can.

Make use of that little dollop of sunshine.

Splash yourself with colours.

Bundle up your hair.

Continue walking on and on.

Most importantly, smile for yourself and someone.

....Don't dissolve into a matter of greyness along with all the despair and disappointment around you in life.

RIP

What is disappointment when it doesn't even hurt or sadden you anymore?

Is it even just disappointment when it feels numb?

Tough and tough

Going through tough and tough.



The 19th of June must have been the worst and also the best day ever.



Knowing that you feel more for the pain of someone you love than for your own pain - I can't think of a better way to describe love/care. Despite the pain we are going through right now, I can't help but feel blessed knowing that I am indeed loving someone in the most sincere and simple way.



Days ahead will be hard just because they are uncertain, unstable and empty. If you are not that overly-positive to see uncertainties as possibilities (it takes practice :->), at least I will be a constant among all these uncertainties.



This constant is not that sturdy as to be able to shield you from the rainstorm, but will surely be there - albeit weak, broken or helpless.

This constant is not that amazing as to be able to rid you of all sadness, but will surely try to bring a smile to your face - albeit lame jokes, clumsy acts and failed attempts.

This constant is not that strong as to be able to hold you together at point break, but will surely try hard to anchor you to sanity - through human touch, maybe a hug or crying with you.

Things are tough and tough.
You are showing a stronger face.
I am showing a stronger face.
Our hands are shaking.

But we will go through this together.
And that is all that we need to know.

My constant

Life can be so unpredictable.

One moment it is clear and sunny.

The next it is cold and gloomy.

And just like the weather, not everything lies in our hands. As much as I believe that we decide our own future, there is no denying destiny and fate play an important role as deciding factors. In a sense, we take control of our own future by fighting the negative and embracing the positive of destiny and fate.

In a nutshell, we must strive to live for a future we believe in.

It is such a cliche how things you want are always the hardest to obtain or latest to surface for realization in life. Maybe, it is not such a cliche at all, for who would learn to want things granted to them.

I step out of the house for an approximately 1 hour journey to my city workplace.

Work is stressful and workload is increasing but I feel enriched and satisfied knowing that I am gaining the right experience.

I then go for another approximately hour long journey to my second workplace at 4.15 pm.

Work is strainful to the eyes and monotonous but I feel comforted knowing I am earning my own living here.

I work half a day on Saturdays.

Work during weekends is a bummer but I feel glad knowing that I am saving up for the rainy days.

I have been losing weight due to the lack of main meals and exercise.

Losing a few pounds and a slimmer frame were the goals of all my previous unsuccessful diet plans but I feel the need to uphold a healthy lifestyle.

I haven't groomed myself (applying mask, getting a haircut, etc) lately at all.

Grooming is important and necessary in my perspective although time consuming but I am determined to at least put a bit of heart into choosing my outfits and adding colours to my make up.

I have been living on cereal, homemade sandwiches and apples.

The food tastes the same and the presentation is always crumpled but I add creative ingredients like nutella with banana and tuna with baked beans to excite myself.

What I am trying to say is - life is so uncertain, unstable for me right now.

From another perspective - if it is uncertain and unstable, that must mean that it is because I am moving and exploring - not stagnant, not static.

While people always hope for something constant in their lives, do we really need that much constance in our lives?

Instead of that, I only need a few constants in my life who will move along with me through uncertainties - not anchoring me to a web of other constants.

Yes, just that.

Our Surprise Parties

One of the most vivid memories I have of high school is that one time when around 12 of us hid behind Eric's backyard to give him and Steve a surprise birthday party. Steve's was on the 22nd Nov while Eric's was on the 24th Nov - so we had the surprise on the 23rd Nov.

We pretended to have forgotten about Steve's big day and even made him plan Eric's party with us - that must have felt bad haha.

But the plan was foiled when Eric saw SiuMan's head from an odd window sigh.

However, the look on Steve's face when we he saw his name on the cake or heard his name when we sang the song was priceless.

Then there was the time when I was dragged out to QQ Ice for a pathetic dinner for two with my MUM (if boyfriend, then I don't mind) on my birthday only to be welcomed home with hard-to-clean-up confetti and a group of friends with a cake - followed by the soft drinks game and many sick people.

As we grew older - we grew apart physically and emotionally.

Parties have smaller crowds - that is if we had a party.

Birthdays are celebrated in Facebook walls.

Gosh, I miss all those days and every single one of you.

Too fast

I have been living life on the fast lane lately.

Every day sees me leaving for my day job at around 11.30 am (now, 10.30 a.m.) and returning home from my night job at 10.45 pm (earliest). My house became something like a hotel.

I have no time and less energy to exercise, to cook, to eat a decent meal, to dress up, to catch up with friends, to take in what is around me.

I gained a sense of achievement and satisfaction from work but there is much more than that, isn't it?

I should start living while appreciating myself more along with the various deemed as important elements such as career and finance.

Karaoke Beast

My musical senses have always been severely restricted at home.

Head-banging
Mum: "On Ecstacy ah?"

Foot-stamping
Grandma: "You wanna stomp away all of your Dad's fortune ah?"

Feet-tapping/shaking (Along to beat of music)
Grandma: "You wanna shake away all your Dad's fortune ah?"
Mum: *slap thighs*

Shouting
Grandma: "Shouting when there is thunder, you want your mouth to crook ah?"

Watching Glay Live in full-blast volume
Mum: "Wi-wi-wa-wa also don't know what they are singing ah!"

Watching Glay Live in very mild volume
Mum: "Why are their hairstyles like that ah?"

And finally:

Mum: "Hoi, leg cramp or seizure ah?"
I was dancing to the music.

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Hence I am a karaoke beast - which scares everyone in different ways. Ngaum.

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A few of my favourite lives:

Echuca Trip Part 1

I went to Echuca during the long weekend last week with a total of 13 other friends. This is a documentary following the trip where 14 people learnt to eat, play and live with each others' faces.

The 14 of us gathered at (where else) our Marshall HQ by 4.30 a.m. complete with extra thick coats, three loaves of sandwiches, galores of sleeping bags and blankets and a heart of adventure - for we would be driving for the next 3 hours plus to this place stranger to all of us!

Echuca is an interesting place and is often referred to as Echuca-Moama. This is because, Echuca is the Victoria side of the Murray River while its twin town Moama is the New South Wale side of the Murray River.

Our first stop at Echuca was - - - - McDonalds! As everyone was groggy (just awoke from sleep), hungry (no breakfast or too early breakfast) and pumped (holidays!!). WenJi obviously was as excited as a hamster and Ray the driver popped outta the car for a cupcake.

There was a national crisis though - - - Daniel's car got lost . . . and found before they ended up all the way at Bendigo. Look at Daniel's traumatized face.

The first place we went to was the PaddleSteamer Cruise along Murray River. In true mafia style, the 14 of us walked into that little place.

The cruise itself was a slow stroll along the river where you get to see other paddlesteamers and more paddlesteamers along the river and also more paddlesteamers elsewhere. Very leisure, very stress-free, very erm, idle.

But everyone had a blast taking loads of pictures so be prepared to an excessive of cheesy grins! The very last picture shows the highlight of the cruise! The bridge connecting Echuca and Moama, or Victoria and New South Wales!

We then explored the small stretch of shops just next to the cruise place where some very unique and traditional stores were found - a blacksmith, a woodscraft shop, a wine store and a fudge place.

This picture above shows this cool wooden calender which can be used for a total of 40 years only. It is the most amazing and exquisite thing I have seen. I have yet to discover how it works though. . .

The very afternoon was supposed to be our canoeing session (not canoodling haha) but the weather was a bit too harsh so we had to stop halfway through the journey there. While everyone was busy talking about where to go instead and when to go canoeing instead, I commenced my paparazzi-ing leng chai Daniel session. Infernal Affairs- inspired.

After the slight disrupt of plan, we headed to a winery. A good hour long journey (including half an hour where we got lost!).

On the way there, due to the constant interchange between rain and sunshine, we saw the most complete rainbow ever. A perfect arc across the sky.

The winery we went to was a really nice and cozy place hidden deep within away from all main roads. The owners are amazing people and even their dogs are so smart that they know how to open the doors themselves! My favourite out of the wine list was the LP Zinfandel cause it was sweet. I love sweet wine and choke on dry ones.

After wine tasting, we moved out to the outdoors area where they had this big chess set. The guys, being engineering geeks wasted no time for a game. Since the weather was cold, the lovely lady from the winery actually made us warm wine.

That's a very first for me - warm wine. And it tasted oh-so-good in the cold. I asked her for the recipe - fuzzy memory speaking here - which goes like this: boil water and sugar, then add cinnamon, cloves and lemon, before finally adding in a red wine of your choice. Definitely a winter winner!

There is something interesting I realized about Echuca. There seems to be leaflets everywhere promoting an Echucan-wedding! From the Murray River to the winery, they all seem to be great potential wedding places! A winery wedding, anyone up for it? Or maybe!! A PaddleSteamer wedding!! Or a getting lost in the middle of a highway wedding!! Cool nya.

Mayday Concert

Remember I went to MayDay's DNA World Tour last month? Ahem, I just got the pictures so here goes!

I went there not knowing what to expect as *horror* I did not know much about the band or its songs *double horror* it was my first ever concert! (Same as Melissa though!)

Naturally, I was quite worked up about it. Totally in the mood as I wore a T-shirt with prints of instruments, loaded myself in the colour black and curled my hair too!

After having dinner together, we took a tram to HiSense Arena and for a moment - during that tram ride - I thought I teleported to Taiwan/China. The whole tram stop and tram itself was jam-packed with Chinese. Like a can of Chinese sardines.

Like I said, I did not know much of their songs so I can't tell you what songs were played save for the few real popular ones such as Jue Jiang, Liun Ai-ing, etc.

Look at my scrunched face.

See Jue Jiang Tan singing over there. And look at my instrument T-shirt!

There was only one encore session though! That is the stage and the members!

You know how I always went on and on that my first concert have to be Glay's hence I kept my first concert experience for this long?

Well. I did not exactly break this rule!

During one of the songs, MayDay showed snippets from way back when they just started until their current state and then suddenly!!! They showed a picture of them with . . . . . GLAY!! That was my single most closest encounter with TERU or GLAY in a concert venue. A concert venue despite it being a mere projection on the big screen.

There, a milestone reached. Next, the real deal - seeing GLAY live in action.

Body image

Real and Curvy vs. Fake and Thin.
Curvy and Happy vs. Thin and Miserable.

I came upon these two headlines in two separate gossip mags recently.

Now, what I don't understand is why is THIN always associated with misery or fakeness?

Are we trying to promote some kind of war or conflict between those who are curvy and those who are thin?

Chances are, the intention is to shift the obsession to be thin promoted by the celebrity culture by associating thinness with negativity and to make curvy people more body-confident so that they don't succumb to the thin-obsession.

While curviness is being promoted and complimented and taken care of, is this fair to thin people?

It is not true that all thin people are so because they are fakery produced through surgery or plastic, or hours of misery in the gym, or torturous diets, or an obsession with being stick-thin.

Some people are naturally thin. They can eat a whole cow and still remain so.

Some people did not choose to be thin. They can be due to hormonal imbalance for example.

Some people chose to be slim. They eat in moderation and exercise regularly not to become thin, but to maintain their fitness.

The thing is: The people who associate thinness with misery or curviness with happiness or vice versa, are the ones who are having a body image problem.

The problem is: They are projecting this idea onto everybody.

What is the problem is being thin when being curvy is not?
What is the problem with having a condition which makes you thin when having a condition which makes you curvy is not?
What is the problem with choosing to be slim when choosing to be curvy is not?

We always see curvy people as being pressurized by the society to be thin, but try looking from another perspective: Thin people are pressurized to put on weight the same way.

I have seen naturally thin people being labelled as anorexics/bimbo-tic wanna-be models/etc.

I have friends who tried so hard to put on an extra kilogram due to stress all the while getting more stress from friends, family and doctors to "save her own life, or else no one will".

I have friends who simply want to be fit being called a gym-freak/pretentious/vain/etc.

How is this fair?
What we are seeking to achieve is for everyone to be "at peace with their own body image", isn't it?

While it is an issue when people regardless of body type go to extreme measures which could endanger their health to get the body they want, deliberately stating a line by categorizing and associating two different but equally beautiful body type with opposing elements is definitely no the way. I believe so.

It is alright to be curvy and happy as it is alright to be thin and happy.
This is because, you are happy when you are at peace with your very own body.
And that is all that matters.

Dreams are not dead.

With a lot of birthdays coming and going lately, it sure reminds me of the fact that everyone around me is growing up, moving ahead and building their own lives. You know how people always say that once you step out of school/university, you will enter reality and poof goes your dreams/ambitions? Frankly, I feel the otherwise.

While in university I was always moving along with the syllabus, or my coursemates, or the lecturers. For the past 5 years of university, honestly, how many big decisions have I made with regards to my future? Not much, less than ten? Basically, just choosing my course, selecting the units? Now that I think about it, those aren't much at all, are they! And let's not go into high school.

During those 5 years, we were severely restricted by the term 'student' and after that the 'complexity of what we learnt'. As a 'student', you are protected by an educational context/environment, everything seems like a case study. The 'complexity of what we learnt' scares us, makes us less adventurous, and succumbs us to the norm.

So that is why, once we step out of university, we are less ambitious beings who are looking to entering the society as another member, not too outstanding not too overshadowed, with a normal job building a normal life.

. . . . No? Yeah, no. I don't think so.

In fact, I see the otherwise.

The 'university' phase constraints you in terms of freedom to roam (studies first, remember?), confidence to explore (the status of student) and time to pursue your dream (universities offer just that many courses..). Once you step out, you are exposed to a world without a map. Free to roam, free to conquer.

I personally don't believe that people die bit by bit inside once they come out to work. Look around you, every shop, every event, every electronic product, every restaurant menu, every leaflet you receive - really represents a dream. Don't they?

If you say dreams have died off long ago, then chances are, you will have a global population of doing-nothings.

But our world is thriving. And what drives this? People who dared to dream and live it.

Don't look too far. Just people beside you.

Mac3 just started her own blogshop with big plans ahead while confiding this to be her what she had always wanted to do, while working hard for her day job.

Nov25 traveled miles away to the U.S. to search for her dream, to gain not only life experience but a story to tell everyone.

Nov10 wants his manga to be published in JUMP magazine and is a semi-pro runner right now, these all started after graduation.

May16 has a dream of being an archeologist - it is still vivid.

Aug17 made friends, built networks, joint bootcamps, started living on her own this very year.

Nov24 talked to me about new business opportunities in his head about to come true and his excitement over his own future.

May31 never bowed out despite all the unfortunate events and disappointment he met with this year, the most amazing this is - he is still standing strong and trying, always with a smile on his face.

Jul14 'loves his job' this year and is envisioning a future which is bigger and more ambitious than it had ever been. The best thing is - he is more confident and determined despite the bigger dreams.

Dec31 is glad to have found a job she really likes and am fighting all odds to enter this field, all the while thinking about all sorts of side projects she can do and learn from (mini dreams since young).

Do you still think dreams have died out?

This list just includes the few people I could think of from my close network within 10 minutes. Now imagine, you and your dream :-)

The Surprise Guest

Here's the surprise I promised yesterday!

Double stacked pancakes with bacon and caramelised banana sprinkled with fine sugar mm-mm.

Just kidding. This is the SURPRISE!

Eric came to visit today. Just like what we always do whenever we meet up, we went for a meal near Lygon Street. But unlike what we always talked about, we explored topics such as career, starting up a business, the future. All the way from primary school till now as young adults, I am sure our conversational topics had evolved a lot and our personalities had grown a lot.

Too bad he is leaving tomorrow for New Zealand. Meet again during Chinese New Year? Sigh, I hope.

Today was a good day :-)

Tomorrow I will finally get the day off for some gym-ing, ironing, leisure reading about patents, cooking - before going off for my marking job!

A Sandwich

Earlier this year, with me looking for a job on a full-time basis, I dedicated a lot of my time into creative cooking. It was especially exciting to hear the others, especially Mr Tan, comment on the unique taste, sometimes in a positive way sometimes in a negative way haha.

Now that I am working day and night with no time to cook or even eat a proper home-cooked meal, I am getting hand-made sandwiches from Mr Tan.

Wholemeal bread with cheese, roasted chicken and salad (minus the rockets I hate). A perfectly balanced meal.

It is simple gestures and surprises like this which make me happy and thankful for Mr Tan. It is great how I need no reminder to be grateful for what I have, for I am always grateful for the fact that almost 3 years on, I can still smile when I think of him :-)

. . . . and I have a surprise guest dropping by here tomorrow! Stay tuned!