Thursday, October 11, 2007

Graduation melancholy

Graduation melancholy

Today might be very last of my ofiicial uni days. Being an undergraduate Biotechnology student. Being haunted by reports. Looking forward to mid-semester breaks. Being drowned by textbook pages. Suffocated by exam pressure. Fighting NAP-ster in lectures. Complaining about the road crossings to uni very morning. Scavenging for a decent lunch in the cafeteria.

But after all that I am actually missing this portion of my life already.

Although there had been countless unhappy moments and what I condemned as suffering, during these 3 years, but I definitely did not, do not and will not ever regret this part of my life. And to suddenly really realize that this journey is ending or that another chapter is gonna be written soon in my story, I feel excited but at the same time some kinda emptiness.

Contradicting but true. This emptiness of unknown reasons. What is the cause? Not being able to hang out everyday with friends? Not having a direction GIVEN to me? To have to garner a new sense of affiliation?

But in truth, none of this is true. I think I am just scared and a bit overwhelmed by all the uncertainties the future has to offer and the power I have in my hands to decide. Along with this, all kinda adult terms such as consequences, responsibility, competence and pride. But when conjured up in what I still perceive as a kid in me, it becomes insecurity.

I live in the circumstances without any inconvenience,
But somehow I'm not satisfied,
There is such a night.

The time has come to throw a die,
As I linger at the crossroads in my life,
There are some people who seek many dreams,
We dreamt together, by the sweat of our brow,
Without affording to even look back,
At the runnning boy, shouting his joy,
I still have the embers of worn-out youth smoldering in my heart,
"It's still a long way before the dawn"

"I haven't had enough wisdom to live",
Somebody grumbles so suddenly,
But it's common to all of us,
When I threw away some feelings,
For the sake of a modest pleasure,
I couldn't say "Hold on to your dream",
Without me realizing it.

Why does the world worry all the way?

The time has come to throw a die,
As I linger at a crossroads in my life,
Those who have supported me for what I am,
Can you hear this song?
In the every days that I prayed, "Live more toughly,"
The sky in those days we can't go back to,
Encourage me, saying so.

Whenever am I touched by someone's kindness,
Somehow I remember,
"The time I began to walk on my own for the first time." --------------- Pure Soul, Glay

I believe things will turn out well in the end. I have all I need and should be thankful.

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