Drive

There is always a disatisfaction and frustration in me whenever I think about driving.
It easily evolves into doubt and anger - with no reason and nowhere to channel.
What results is often a peak of feeling, nowhere near plateau, but instead it becomes an outburst contained within thin walls.

This must seem weird to everyone else after all this is an activity common to almost every single person over the age of 17 or 18. In another sense, maybe this is exactly where my frustration lies. To be unable to access this 'thing' which I see others, young old tall short alike, able to. To let it haunt me so, when it is just another leisure activity to others.

And maybe, just maybe - to feel angry towards it while I see others happy towards it.

It makes me question myself and leads me to depression and allow me to succumb into insecurities and leave me to die there. Emotionally at least. Usually I end up emotionally exhausted and extremely agitated over this where even a single ant on the floor can drive me nuts.

But I realized this is not the way I want to be or I should be. Driving, while most consider it a luxury, is really becoming a necessity today. It might be selfish or spoilt to say so but this is an indispensable skill now - requirements in certain jobs, in the face of an emergency, etc.

Instead of continuing this saga of endless questioning as to why I am feeling so, whose fault is it, or where did we go wrong with my driving career (yeah rite) along with the emotional ups and downs and major episodes of negativity, I should be seeking for a way out.

To help myself.

I really want to start driving again and be able to do it with no special feelings whatsoever.

Prior to my first day in Driving School back in Sandakan, I had no experience at all with vehicles. Not even sitting in the driver's seat or being allowed to start the engine and being the mouse I used to be, I never dared to try.

My first driving experience was with a Malay instructor and a canary yellow little Kancil inside the Driving School. I was driving outside the School on the first day itself and I was genuinely enjoying it. It never occured to me that I could control a vehicle and although it might be too literal in a sense - I felt free and able. It was a manual car but Mr Instructor said I handled it well and even jokingly teased me asking whether I have been secretly driving my Mum's car at home. The experience was pure fun despite the hot weather and boring waiting sessions. I got my license smoothly and left Driving School filled with enthusiasm. My mindset back then was to be able to drive instead of being fetched always.

Of course reality hit soon enough. I was flew all the way to KL in 5 days' time and then a whole year of no touching the car. And this went on till my 3rd year of university.

During summer holidays when I get back to Sandakan, whenever this issue appeared or this request of mine came, an unhappy ending was inevitable. Mum would either reluctantly let me go behind the wheels along with some scoldings or make up excuses just so I would forget about it.

I admit that I have been holding this as some form of grudge - which I know is not right and inappropriate - to which I ultimately moulded into an inner anger with nowhere to channel.

I can comprehend that she is probably just worried of my safety or that she is afraid of losing me to freedom. In the end, I kinda lost my confidence and built up my inner angst.

What I have now is a negative but unsatistied feeling towards driving.

It makes me react negatively whenever someone asks me to drive. Part of me am afraid that that very person will become like Mum. I do not want to relive the experience or harbour the same feelings I have towards Mum and driving, towards that person.

It must have been so bad. My Dad intervened and made me drive last year. When he suggested that, I gave him a straight blatant NO, without even thinking. I just kept saying no, no and no. But in the end, of course he made me. With Dad, he was calm and allowed me to do whatever I see fit. But still, I was angry inside, the outburst was on its brink. "Why is he making me do this? What is he trying to judge? Well, seen enough? Can't wait to comment?" The trail of rebellious negative dark thoughts in that very twisted mind of mine.

But Dad was alrite. "You are alright, just need more experience and practice in round-abouts". I felt good but my mind barked, "Yeah too late for you to know now". Then I asked him whether it was really incomprehensible to give even the slightest choke when you brake, that you should never suddenly press your brake no matter what happens (motorcycle suddenly appear also cannot), never use the rear or side mirrors but just turn your head, never turn your steering this way, etc. And surprisingly Dad gave a bullshit to all those golden rules made by Mum. In fact, she herself had broken or never followed all those rules.

She was just naturally over-protective and it unintentionally became over-bearing.
I have a complicated messed up feeling towards the whole issue that is driving because of this.

Despite saying that I want to do something for myself right now, the mere thought of doing it sends impulses of anger and sadness throughout my body while my mind continuously transmit twisted and negative messages to every single cell. Creating an immense overwhelming outburst of feeling which I can just hold back for that long.

I wonder if I really can do anything about it.
I would really wanna drive right here right now.
It is not like being able to drive will solve everything.
But I want to do it. Until a point where I do not hold any special feeling towards it. The point where it becomes an activity of leisure.

Right now, I can just do everything I can?
The only car relatively accessible to me is a manual car.

Having lost all my knowledge and practice with a manual, it only served to defeat my confidence more the other day. Sulking and blaming myself here is totally childish I know. But again, it is all in my mind. I suddenly really hate myself.

In theory I realize that I just have to learn how to drive a manual again.
But in practice, it is not that easy. My twisted mind, my lack of confidence, my fear of rejection, the haunt from my terrible experience with Mum, my pride and my anger. They are just so overwhelming as I sit in that driver's seat and let all these thoughts pass me by.

But I am trying :-)
Check this out: http://www.ehow.com/video_3234_drive-car-with.html.