Monday, August 31, 2009

Maybe because it was the last day of winter

Hence I was wandering the streets under the rain. Without a destination, without a purpose.

Just endless streams of thoughts and questions flowing through my mind. And a tiny sense of insecurity and sadness lingering on until the night in my heart.

The Pakenham train line in another 21 minutes. The Frankston train line in another 16 minutes. Next to me, a lady was reading up about the Brad-Jen-Ange triangle which has been a never ending topic which never seems to get old. There are a lot of issues around me which are seemingly never ending but never seems to get old too. Like ghosts, they re-visit and haunt you for a good couple of days before leaving you without a trace. Then you are left asking, "So what am I to do alone now?"

I like listening to music while looking out of the train. It transports me into a world like no other. Where every single word of the songs ring clear in my head.

I was drenched in rain by the time I reached Clayton station. I am not afraid of the rain. People close to me will know that I do not like unbrellas, not even one bit. There is no real reason why. Just that it is chunky, takes up space when not in use. And equally chunky, takes up space when in use. This aside, rain is just water from the sky. I would want a drop of the sky on me.

I walked the streets. Stopped by at the Newsagency for some gossips and warmth. Walked all over Clayton. Stayed in McDonald's for lunch. Looked at the rain outside. Called to listen to an old friend's familiar voice. Walked around somemore. Got my prescription from the pharmacy. Walked again. Gazed at the colourful capsicums.

All the while, the raindrops - the sound and the feel of it - accompanying my thoughts.

I wondered if I should be so attached/stubborn when it comes to my career.
I wondered if I made decisions right/wrong.
I wondered what was on someone else's mind at that moment.
I wondered what Mum was doing at home with Chuck.
I wondered when I return Malaysia, what kind of person I will be.
I wondered when would I be satisfied with life.
I wondered why I was unable to justify my disatisfaction with certain aspects of my life.
I wondered why I upheld my dignity to the expense of so many things.

The rain cleared.

Two hours of walking in the rain and thinking - cleared up my mind a bit. I felt a bit lighter.

Mr Tan came to get me at the instant noodle aisle in HK Grocer. I started my story with a sigh and a smile, "You know what I did just now? I. . . "

He and I being on the same boat and having shared so much together, even if he could not help make things better - he could certainly help make me feel better. More secure, more taken care of, more love.

I walked in to Mr Tan's house to be greeted by a sad whine. Shiro was crying alone at home. One look at him, I realised that "Things aren't that bad at all."

Looking out of the window right now to the picture of spring, I can't help but think maybe because it was the last day of winter.

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