Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Defense Mechanism

I am an attention-seeking child.

I think a lot of people are. Even those who try hard to remain out of the limelight, or those who wish they would just disappear. Deep inside, they do hope to be appreciated and acknowledged rite?

Which leads me to think. Why are people always so bad at expressing what they really want?

Thinking up excuses wastes brain power.
Maintaining the lie requires 100% attention.
Pretending to not care brings frustration.

And despite all these, we still would rather conceal what we want than to just reveal ourselves.

For me, it is a bit scary. To reveal everything or to open up completely to this world, is like exposing myself to the risk of being hurt. And because of this, there exists a natural defense mechanism which is somehow automated now. Fuelled by pride, fear and insecurities - random jokes, empty smiles, forced ignorance mode, pretentious courage became my shield.

I have always been happy with the fact that a lot of my friends can open up to me and share with me things that are close to them, sincerely. To know that they trust me so much is a joy. And I envy the fact they could do so. As for me, it is really hard. And so everything will remain inside of me and live with me till I am able to let go. Probably that is why I enjoy blogging. Some words are just too hard to say.

Rite now, I really feel empty.
I wonder,with me myself being such a minute entity in this world, what do I represent?
My existence rite here rite now. Does it really matter?

The other night, I was on the verge of an ice cream crave due to the hill of assignments, the current problems swimming in my head and the frustration and dissatisfaction burning inside me. At that moment, I realized I really wanted someone to talk to. To really talk to about everything. I searched my whole MSN list and my phonebook as well. Isn't it sad to realize that there is no one you are actually courageous enough to open up to?

Every single chatbox I opened, turned into another crap session.

For I am afraid of being a bother to others. Being weak in front of others. To have others 'entertain' me just for the sake of it. To experience insincerity and be hurt by it.

So now, this is a bad habit I have developed and just realized.
I find it hard to open up to others.
So I avoid it.
I find it disappointing when others do not respond to my actions.
So I stop showing I care.
I find myself easily grown apart with people who seldom interact with me. No matter how close.
So I start feeling strange with them
I find myself resentful towards people who ignore or do not appreciate me.
So I am cautious of not getting hurt by them and I isolate myself.

I am so passive.
I had originally a happy post meant for today. But I guess, the day just didn't go rite.

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