Thursday, April 9, 2009

First Love

First love is a nostalgic thing.

Like how the famous Utada Hikaru song goes, I agree to the part " I remember to love, you taught me how". Nostalgic is the most fitting word I can use - neither negative nor positive, an old sense of magic, seeing yourself frame by frame in slow-motion during the relationship, reliving the laughter and tears.

I think what makes our first love special is - the person we were when we braved into it.

I still remember mine started with a sense of confusion. Being the most unreceptive romance satellite ever, I was not aware of my own feelings at all. He was one of my best friends during then and he was different from the rest. Different, in a very apparent and also subtle way.

It happened due to an internet prank - woohoo. The internet and all those chatting software are life-threateningly dangerous when it comes to these kind of things. It is funny how such a small 'communication' could start so many things. But after so many years, I wonder if it was a matter of convenience (knowing we had mutual feelings), fleeting feelings (impulse and impulse) and curiosity (in my case towards the person and the whole relationship 'thing', pak toh wor!! Me wor!!).

Regardless of how it started, it ended. Recording a time of 2.5 years.

Regardless of it having ended, it is valuable.

From the first time I properly laid my eyes on him, told him my secrets, cried my eyes out in front of him and laughed myself silly for nothing. To the first time I got angry at every other things, fought with him over matters huge then trivial, realized things had gotten out of hand to making the decision of moving on.

I am sure everyone has survived these!

Valuable. During this 2.5 years, I learnt to love, to speak and to stand up for myself. Seeing the way I was before that - hermit and all - I would have ended up being quiet and scared like that until forever perhaps. And because people change as they grow, it is often so easy to see two person walking opposite paths. And when this happens, it is often better to say the harsh goodbyes before one drags the other selfishly against her own personal growth or both stalls in points of life none of them desire. At least, I think.

At the end of the day, I would still thank him for the time and effort and honesty he put into the brief yet so valuable nostalgic time we had together.

There are always different reactions when it comes to the end. "I don't want to love again, it is painful." "I am going to get a better boy/girlfriend!" "For now, I just want to be a singleton again." "I'll let fate do its wonders."

For me, I was "I want to be a singleton again" (0 month) before changing to "Let's see what destiny has in store for me!" (6 months) to "I want a boyfriend!" (9 months). I was not desperate la, okay. I just wanted a boyfriend and was not afraid to joke about it. In fact, Shuk Ye gave me a pink crystal bracelet for my birthday that year as it is supposed to bring luck in love and one of the first few things I told WenJi was I wanted a boyfriend.

And of course, then I went over to Australia and received a surprise at the Monash Residential Services office the same day my parents left me in the halls.

"Hi, my name is Raymond," and we shook hands. One of the many traditional things he would do in the future. It was not electrifying or anything like that.

Unlike my first relationship, everything was slow, calm, clear (not always but...) and peaceful.

It started in the most natural way and one thing I learnt from the moment we started?

'First love' is not numeracy at all, it is all about the feelings and emotions.

I found 'first love' with this relationship. This time around, stronger and surer.

I could never write anything like this last time. Nor could I fail at being angry for a long time. Nor could I fail at stifling a laugh. Nor could I listen whole-heartedly to complaints. Nor could I wait to just see someone. Nor could I accept what someone says so easily. Nor could I just talk about everything and anything in my heart. Nor could I talk about the future and believe in it.

Believe it or not, I am still in my 'first love' state right now.

In pyjamas, after cereal with milk, on an Easter Friday, wearing my grandma glasses and grinning silly while Mr Tan is probably munching on DimSum somewhere far away.

**Inspired by the Japanese drama 'Majo no Jouken' with Utada Hikaru's 'First Love' as the soundtrack :-)

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