Today I choose to be Myself

Have you ever really wanted to be someone else?

I have, ever since young.


The first person I ever wanted to be I met in kindergarten. Her name is PanJinYin (PJY). When I first saw her I thought she was the prettiest girl I have ever seen. This is mostly because of her hairstyle. She had long straight hair tied into a high pony-tail with long fringe gel-ed back. So cool.

Before long, I was sporting the same hairstyle as her and became best friends with her. This phase ended soon after that. We became inseparable with sleepovers until high school. The last time I met her back in Sandakan, we barely spoke other than the polite 'hi-bye's. Leading totally different paths in life and having lost touch since high school, really do damage. Wish we were as close as before.

The second person I wanted to be was Sailormars. She was regarded as the most beautiful girl Sailormoon had ever seen. She was mysterious and fiery (attitude and ability). One of the reasons I wanted to be her was because I was extremely lembik at that time.

Well, being an imitator. . .

. . . I eventually became a bit fiery in character. Proof? I rallied to become Sailormars *hard, persistently and shamelessly* in the Sailormoon game we had in primary school and WON. Sailormars was a top choice okay! And I won *tears of joy*

I found my third target during a singing competition in primary school. She was a close classmate of mine and for the competition she transformed (transformed!!) into this cool, bad biker chick singing a Chinese song titled "Wo bu shi huai nu hai" (I am not a bad girl) or something like that. Her name is Irene Lee.

She had always been soft spoken, girly and with different ponytail/braids/ribbons everyday. Then on that day!! Black leather jacket with matching tall black boots, dark sunglasses, black biker cap (I think) and the reddest lipstick ever! Then she had dance moves some more! And when she started the whole crowd went wild~ Malay boys as young as 9 were whistling, teachers were grinning from ear to ear.

Something like that. But way cooler!

In my young heart back then I was screaming, "I want I want I want to be like that too!" So I started listening to pop songs in English since I did not know Chinese and sang like crazy to 911.

I even told another friend LKL that I wanted to be like her to which she replied something really memorable and. . . .wise. "My aunt said there is no need to want to be anyone else cause everyone is good at their own thing, so you just need to find out what you are good at." Wah.

Which explains why she became my fourth target. (No picture permission from her) LKL as a child was always active, funny, and cute in a boy-ish kinda way. I always admired her but really wanted to be here when she told me this one day in Primary Six. "I have six packs now after all the sit-ups I have done."

It was like my 'wanna-be-LKL' volcano erupted. But this did not last long as we were a bit too close I think or more like, once I stepped into high school there were too many people I wanted to be like.

Then there was this very short period of time when I really wished I was like my sister Lowena. Well, to be active, bright, likable, cheerful, funny and witty with an amazing appetite. I was going through my teenage-rebellious phase hence I was always gloomy, quiet, angry and depressed. Of course I kept this stupid wish silent all the while. Or else, cannot lo. But it ended as soon as it started cause somewhere around this time, little Lowena became erm, Supersize Lowena.

My next target was actually Glyniss. Really really. It all started when Chloe suddenly said this one an afternoon when Glyniss was standing near the door talking to some teacher. "She has such a good body shape." Me who had never thought a thing about my own body suddenly realised, "Gosh I am curvelessly flat".

Gyniss is the one in a white dress. This is a vintage photo taken during Form 3. And notice she had the 'very Chinese Girl' hair I was still raving about a few days ago.

When you are fat, you can exercise to achieve curviness. But when you are plain flat everywhere, there is little you can do other than eat. So I shifted my target to a skinnier but equally beautiful target in class - Miss Pik Tau. (No picture permission)

She was really friendly and welcomed me into her gang despite my nerdy and hermit-y nature back then. She was the first who had telephone porridge with me. She was liked by everyone - girls and guys alike, chinese schools and english schools origin alike. Most importantly, she has the clearest, most transparent and fairest skin ever. Again, remember my raving about the 'ver Chinese Girl' looks I wished for *ahem* And she had the 'hair' as well!

Later we took our friendship to a higher lever and she became my pet sister. But as soon as I got closer to her, then I changed target again haha.

During Form 3, I really wanted to be just like Chia. Being smart in studies, witty at conversations, daring to state her point. Sigh. Then she even had a boyfriend. To Hermit Me, it was like a beautiful Taiwan drama, her life that is. I was never extra bright academically, extra popular with guys (minus the 'extra' also still not applicable) or extra beautiful in appearance. It was enough to be close to her and maybe be like a shadow behind her.

This phase pretty much ended once we were segregated into different classes for Form 4. I was allowed to restart as an individual and not continue wanting to be like someone in my class or close vicinity. Form 4 and 5 was a turning point in my life. I was myself. Not trying to be someone else or hoping to be like someone else.

I talked more. I made more friends. I went out with people. I was active in school. I dared to lead. I hada boyfriend *shy*. I was finally living life as a student.

But this took quite a drastic turn when I started my college year in Sunway. Well, from Sandakan to Sunway = old sneakers to sky-high heels, what-is-make-up to full-on-face-coverage, hakka+cantonese to English-ful!! The change of environment was a big impact. I honestly felt so small. Hence I started 'target-searching again'.

The first person I wanted to be like was Tiffany. She looked so sweet and friendly. Er, and she had this hunky boyfriend with her while I was going through endless rough patches in my own relationship :-( But she went on to become Miss Mufy and her boyfriend Mr Mufy and so on. So I figured that was way too out of my league to even 'try' to be like. I basically spent the whole year in my own little world.

Come uni years. The first person I wanted to be like was Amanda. Believe it or not?

Reasons: She spoke perfect English. She was funny and witty. She has perfect washboard abs. She has the 'very Chinese Girl' hair back then too!

It was great when I joined her gang along with Cheryl, PKN and Su-ee cause for the first time I was enjoying life in uni.

Another turning point came during my Exchange year in Clayton. Being detached from everything familiar yet again and having nothing familiar for me to idolise or want-to-be-over, I had another chance to restart and this time for good.

I introduced myself purely as myself to new friends.

From that point onwards, I have always been myself.

Now,
I talk even more. I have even more close friends. I go out with people. I am active in my circle of friends. I dare to speak and act. I have an amazing boyfriend *proud haha*. I am living life as myself.

Of course, from time to time I still go, "Aww, I wish I was as _____________ as ___________". But, by the end of the day, I can always smile or sigh at said statement as Loretta.