Being a 'seed'

Being a 'Seed'

I had my first ever face-to-face albeit rather informal interview for an internship position in the city yesterday. It is not the first time I was going to the city but for the first time I was not going there for Krispy Kreme/karaoke/shopping but for business.

It felt really good to be dressed formally and to blend in with the working class all over the city.

So being the excited fresh graduate I still am, I decided to document the day in pictures.

. . .the end.

Haha. Cause Si Pandai Lo forgot to bring her cellphone out hence that was the end of the documentary.

But the whole thing went really well and I met someone so impressive yet humble and helpful. I learnt more about the nature of the industry and what to be expected of from such a career.

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The same night, I lodged my Temporary Residence application.

To apply for PR/TR after graduating from an Australian degree is so common that people often automatically-assume every single graduate to do so. And the decision not to is perceived as strange on the other hand.

The truth is, it is not really such an easy automated process. At least it was not, to me. It involved multiple huge decisions, an awful amount of thinking and really, the courage to click on the 'submit' button.

With my previous visa applications, both being student visas, there was always an expiry date. Insignificant as it might have been previously, it signified an 'end' to said stay in Australia after the fulfilling the proposed purpose - e.g. end of study period and back home.

After that, I would do what I have always done and be in where I have always been - back home and with my family.

But this time, reading the clauses, conditions and decriptions of the TR visa - I felt like there was a knot in my stomach and 'uncertainty' travelling at lightspeed through my nerves.

I have always known that this is what I want. To stay here in Australia, gain some work experience and of course, hopefully to build a life worth telling here.

In Malaysia, I have always felt like a single fruit growing on a big tall tree with loads of green leaves - the tree providing me shelter, protection and security.

Right now, being over here, I feel like a single seed buried within soil - waiting to sprout and grow and trying hard to survive with the help of nature.

A bit too exaggerated, maybe, but hey that is my style. And honestly, I do feel like that.

Applying for TR, to me, signifies more than just renewing a visa or deciding to stay back in Australia to earn money/for friends/for a better future.

After clicking on the 'submit' button, I felt like:

I have cut off a part of my life - the most obvious being Sandakan and its memories. 'Cut off' might sound too severe, it is more like a feeling that it is no longer as accessible or readily available to me as an option. I know I can always return there - where most of my family members are, where my grandmas practice their secret recipes, where I buy bubble tea while wearing ugly shorts, where afternoon tea sessions are popular, where Seven Heaven rules the dessert market, where any sorta small news travels fast and grows faster - but, honestly, can I always?

I am further away from my family and friends. Being a student and overseas - you can expect to go back and have a reunion with everyone. Being a non-student and overseas - you cannot expect to just go back as you want and have a reunion anytime you like. Right now, I feel like my priorities, my commitments, my responsibilities - have all changed: heavier, more important. And I am sure it is the same for my friends. With everyone being so busy, and me being so distant: you wonder how far you are from the others.

I am a 'seed'. I really want to grow. I really want to grow tall and strong. I really want the tree I left to feel proud of me.

There is a certain kind of emptiness in me now. A neutral kinda of emptiness.

But I have done what I have long decided to. And I shall grow - with some newfound TLC in this new land.