Sunday, March 29, 2009

Breathe new

I took a break over the weekend to take a step back and look at my life. Ever since returning here, I have been committed to the mission of jobhunting and conserving of resources. In fact, I must say, I was so focused on these missions that I was suppressing my desires and feeling guilty whenever I had too much fun - all the while thinking that it was totally natural to feel so.

Examining my days in slow-mo over the month, the days were not unhappy nor were they depressing.
Going to Clayton town for groceries. Catching up with friends. Thinking of what to cook for dinner.

Sweating off in the gym. Drifting away to the beat of my favourite music. Indulging in my own thoughts as I walk slowly home.

Cooking up a feast. Waiting for everyone to come back. Talking and talking over dinner. With Ray, LiLet, WenJi and sometimes even Olivia, Yikki and Daniel. Changing into flowery sleepwear. Spending time with everyone in the house - gossipping, talking our hearts out, whining, laughing. Sweet dreams.

I honestly think that these days were not unhappy nor depressing. Just relaxing and slow. Or maybe, mundane, boring and unsatisfying for the young and restless ones - like me.

However, there had been a lot of events which brightened up some days. Sending a jolt a small electrical jolt to this otherwise very still system I am currently living in.

LiLet's bunnies, which she kept at our place for a while, gave birth to 5 very tiny black bunnies.

Olivia invited us over to her new place for dinner. Amy and I made it a 'beach party'. Well, we 2 were the only ones in the beach party style though.

Everyone was nice enough to understand and keep me excited with small gestures like this. Telling me about their day, tempting me with supper-run, organising gatherings.

Especially Mr Tan. Not the most exciting or active person in the world but he had been nothing short of amazing during these frustrating days. Putting up with my emotional rollercoaster, doing silly stunts lame people like me like-y, giving me reasons to enjoy myself, bringing me out for a breathe of air.

Just before he went off outstation at Deep Lead (I had been telling everyone it was at 'New Lead'), we went to this Japanese Restaurant called Yokohama in Glen Waverley. It was not bad!

You see, I came to a realisation after evaluating these days in the past month. I was being suppressive and in denial of most of my desires, be it highly sinful ones like a PSP with FF Dissidia in it or plain innocent ones like going window shopping with the girls. What I should do is to secure a job.
What I overlooked was - What I should so is secure a job, but that is not the only thing I should or could do.
As I suppress myself, I could feel my energy draining away. Job-hunting was no longer of passion or interest or hopes, but of duty or frustration and a matter of automation. Other things I do like cooking and exercising for example, were no longer of fun or enjoyment, but of to kill time and make myself feel useful.

Where was my passion to live?
Do I want these days to be a matter of killing time or making myself feel useful?
The truth is these days are mundane and boring. I feel restless at times. But the days were only so because I let them be so.

My perspective is all that caused it. Again, these days were mundane and boring but I am the only one who can decide how exciting my own days can be. There is only so much I can do each day but I alone control how passionate I can be at doing all that I can.
As long as I am living every moment, with passion, I am sure these days will be worth a story.
Right after the weekend of realisation, I could feel a turning point in my life. A fresh new start is what I am looking forward to making happen. A lot happened during this very weekend. Everything based in reality but yet so surreal and inspiring, after processed by the mind.


That means, dressing up on a beautiful Saturday morning and crusing out with a girlfriend. WenJi needed to go for a haircut so I tagged along. We always go to this hairdresser in Prahran called Taka. The place is called Tsumiki and is the cosiest and prettiest saloon I have ever seen. Other than that, they have the latest ViVi magazines and $10 fringe cuts. Despite the low price, Taka is always so detailed and attentive. It makes it feel like a $100 fringe cute. But for whole-head trimming, it costs $70 eek. I learnt it the hard way.

WenJi with the tall gold rimmed mirror, chandelier and the morning light from the tall windows.

A small gold rimmed mirror with my legs.

I love the fire-wood place near the mirror.

The view from the window.

After that WenJi suggested lunch at Laurent Patisserie. So we sped all the way to Chadstone to share an iced chocolate and two precious desserts. Mine was a bombastically chocolate piece called 'Christine' while WenJi's was a nice slice of custard and fine layers of pastry. Olivia joined us a while later and we embarked on a shopping sessions exclusively for girls.
After coming home at 5 pm, WenJi and I went out for a jog at a trail near our house. The official jog ended in 20 minutes but the geniuses got lost after taking a supposingly reliable detour. We touched the wall-thing we always see while driving along M1, WenJi screamed her lungs out when barked at by a black puppy before apologising to the dog's owner who was making up at her front door, went uphill and downhill and crossed M1 on an overhead bridge.

I have never been that happy to see a car before. So the unofficial time of our jog was 50 minutes.

Seeing how I spent this Saturday, I would have been suffocated by guilt by the end of the day but I was genuinely happy on that day. A bit guilty still, but I felt like I could breathe all over again.

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