Angry!!

I dun understand why but whenever this topic comes up I get so stuffed up that I can't control the darkness of my mood, and the obviousness of it on my face.

I hate being looked at as a child. And a helpless one.

Is it because of the significance of my birthdate or is it because of the coincidence of me being the youngest one among several circles of friends? So, no matter what I do, where I go, or...whatever, I am still not taken seriously. Cos I'm just too young.

But hitting 20, isn't it about time that people take me as an adult?
Or at least half the adult I am?

Not that I am self-proclaiming my maturity but there are things in life which I must endure in order to learn. Let's take driving for instance. Hello~ my license's been a decor for AGES! Pushing aroung, puny excuses, empty promises. I hate all these. If you dun wanna let me drive then just say it. Cut out all the crap. I have had enough.

I hate this feeling but then again, I cant control it no more.

Achievement wise, is everything really due to luck cos I am too young to have really any real achievements. There are just so many things I dun understand in this world and getting to where i am rite now is all just a beautiful, beautiful coincidence. Or so they say.

I used to lo9ve being blessed with a hint of luck every now and then. Now, I just hate the fact that everyone seems to be taking a piece out of me for it. I hate being young.

One thing I realized I mind very much. Ever since returning here - to be underestimated.

I am gonna prove others wrong. But for now, I am just so sad to know that I am struggling with this fact on my birthday. Somehow I jus couldnt bring myself to be happy rite now.

Dun feel like talking.
Dun feel like listening.
Dun feel like looking.
Just wanna FF12 and kill a few wolves.

I hate this.

Feeling Happy~

The greatest feeling of all is knowing that someone likes something you did for them. It can be said as an achievement, a little something to be proud of, nah. It's just the gladness that fills you up. How to release this overwhelming feeling? Grin from ear to ear.

In less than 48 hours, I'll be officially 20. I actually have a BIG 2 in front of my age! Sometimes I wonder along the way, all these 20 years, what have I done? Meeting up with some of my ex secondary classmates just now made me realize that a lot of people actually have waled in and out of my life. Some leaving never fading memories. Some just mere shadows lurking around my heart.

I really miss those who I can never meet again. My dearest uncle, who everyone reckons loved me the most. Still remember his voice, his actions, his funny behaviours, his humour, his roughness. When someone means this much to you, I guess forgetting is just not a thing to happen.

Now I dread leaving those whom I will find hard to meet in the near future. After sharing all those time together, going through all sorts of sticky situations, sharing all ups and downs, seing each others' faces practically everyday, all kinds of encouragement, faith and warmth expressed along the way, it is just so hard to let go. Not that I mean letting go in a sort of never-gonna-meet-again-sorta-way, but just it becomes so hard to meet. Much harder to hold back the feeling inside. But I;'m gonna be 20, not a kid anymore. There are times when sacrifices have to be made and to be selfless.

There are so many people who I wish to have around me all the time. And then there are those special ones whom you wish to be by your side at all times.

Finally, those who left without a mark in my life. Cruel but these people's lives became stories, rumours, gossips and so on in my life. Some classmates, some friends, some distant relatives. I wonder where they are now and whether they think of me from time to time. But again, why would they?

But as a 20 year old, I am thankful enough to have everything I have now. A happy and loving family with a crazy sister whom I get annoyed with often. A tight circle of old friends who I can rely on and remain unchanged by time. The sisters I met in Melbourne who made me feel at home in a foreign world while teaching me so much more about life, fun and friendship. It is really special when people from such different backgrounds can surpass all these barriers. To be able to find a very special someone, ..........I get speechless when it comes to him.

I can say that, I'm just happy. I'm happy!

Wander Wander Wander

Sometimes I wonder where my life is heading. Acting all the time as if I know what is meant for me, what is to happen, what is to expect. Acting needs strength. Being stronf drains your energy. And before you know it, your inside feels emptier than ever.

Despite all the noise from the TV which approaches annoyance, the typing noise from the room beside, the dogs barking outside. Why do I feel like there's nothing around me?

MAybe it's because my aunt and my Teddy left jus now. All the bustling noises and chaotic mornings are now gone and will be missed. Maybe it's cos I feel sleepy but then dread to sleep? Can things be less complicated in my head?

I really want something to look forward to everyday. And to know that I am working towards the right direction in my life. I hate the fact that I doubt so much about everything I am now. I hate the fact that I don;t know anything.

So much stuff in this world I don't know. I wonder if I'll ever find the answer. I wonder if I'll regret anything I did some time in the future. I wonder why I wonder so much! Ergh...again! Endless circles of tots!

Reciprocation is such a funny thing. While trying hard not to show that you care, there is no denying the longing inside you. If only people can be more honest in everything. Won;t this world be much more simpler? I wish I could be honest jus now. Guess I'm still too proud to show my weak side. Honestly, there's not one person so far whom I can really show my weak side to. Do I wanna meet this person or do I not? Another question...

Piling up Thoughts

It is funny how such a small brain of ours can fit so much stuff! It is a blessing to be able to think, decide and remember, but sometimes, with all these thoughts crumpling in ur brain, it becomes so hard to even breath. Trying hard to sort out the different emotions within me, I find myself sometimes lost in ......a pool of conflicting, misleading and confusing feelings.

Stressful Me

It is exam season FYI. I guess it contributes to the stress issue. But knowing me, I guess everyone of u knows that I am not really the easily stressed out kind. More of then just 'let it be and it shall be FINE' kind. But then there is this single annoying unit which is making me nuts now, not contributing is the fact that it clashes with another neglected unit of mine. I am not worrying, now. Was worrying just now, but oh-nevermind!

Other than that, there is this persistently bugging weight issue! Urggh.... Dun even get me started on that! How come some people can be so good in studies, learn piano so very fast and EAT AS MUCH AS THEY WANT WITHOUT GAINING WEIGHT? These people will be on my 'ENEMY' list from now on:

1) Mok
2) Woo Hsian
3) Benjamin

Anyway, stress has and will never be a large part of my life. I try to make it not! Ganbarimasu!

Emptiness Me

This is one weird side. Somehow, I realized. In about a month's time, I will be leaving Melbourne and back to my old home. But, here in my room in cold Melbourne, there is attachment. Memories, sweet ones, bad ones. Friends, best ones. Places, special ones. Everything.

Just like the other day when the MUMSU AGM ended. Before that I never gave a thought about it. Just another voting session. But as soon as that moment came, with the new committee in front of me. There's this slightly overwhelming feeling, not of sadness or regret, but of not being bear the feeling of having to leave this family. Family, where I got to know some of my closest friends from. The flashbacks of the past did not help much, by the way.

I found out that I was really happy.
Now, realizing the fact that I'll be returning is making me feel slightly emptier.
I feel like being snatched of something important. OF something I dun wanna let go.

Selfishness Me

Lately I began thinking, why can't we ever be with ALL the people we love all the time?
Mother and child separated, cause of the son's career. Friends separated by the borders of countries. Family separated as they pursue their own future. Why must distance always be the price we pay as we chase for wat we desire in life?

I really want to be with everyone. Every single on of u guys. I wanna stay here so that I can be with all of you. Laughing together at the same old lame jokes, eating out at different places, complaing about Monash all the time, sleep in Hargrave, discuss about the most stupid topics, fully utilize out Sunday Savers everytime. All these are just such nice memories.

But, I cannot bear to leave my family and friends back in Malaysia. I still reminisce so much about the times we spend talking endlessly about the entertainment world, checking out mega sales, going for 7 hours of RedBox marathon, ice cream-ing always, Kim Gary trips. I missed these memories very very much.

Is it really necessary to choose only one?
Reality is just so cruel sometimes.

Grateful Me

I am lucky, u guys always say. The luckiest part, actually I think, is to be able to meet all the nice and great people here in Melbourne. It is really a blessing to be able to meet everyone of u. Someone I can rely on all the time, ridding me of loneliness and homesickness. My darling sisters who fill my everyday with laughters and share all my worries and problems - Amy, Oli and WenJi. I couldn't thank them enough for all these.

The guys who make me laugh me so often and never hesitate to help me whenever I needed - u know who u r! Then of cos, there is this important part of my life rite now, and one of the best presents I got since coming here - Mr Tan! It would be so different without u. So I am grateful and happy.

Optimistic Me

I am gloomy.....lately. But, I dun like to show it! If u can cover ur sadness with jokes and radiate laughter around u, y not do it? Like the ripple effect, eventually the laughter will reach back to me! I think so.

So what if I have to let go of so much that I treasure? It is not like I'll be losing them rite?
I believe me and my frens definitely are worth much more than that!
Memories, can be strong enough to link us together, regardless of the distance.
There'll be a day when we meet again. We'll laugh. Hug. Talk endlessly again.

Separations happen all the time in life. Just always make sure, there'll be a reunion. No matter how far ahead it might be, just make sure there will be a reunion.

Then all the waiting will be worthwhile.

Now that I cleared out some of the clutter in my brain, time for some Blood+ again. By the way, tmr will be my OFFICIAL DIET DAY. New Nickname - Porky Pie!

Weekend Report 1

Truly, I had a very whimsical and hyper weekend, so much so that, I need time to reflect on what I have done for these few days.

Friday-Passed-By-In-A-Flicker

It was mentioned at around 1 a.m. A total overhaul of the original Mid Autumn Fest celebration plan, had me and WenJi scratching our heads. As always, given Melbourne's oh-so-very-cute-and-lovable transportation system, we could again go no further than Zone 2 for dinner! And not forgetting the contribution of Monash's darlingly-adorable assignments dates, everyone.

Then there were the frustrating moments in planning which fuelled to the merge of giving up on arranging a group celebration! The no. 1 frustration? This infamous quote from a certain someone who I will see tmr - "Why don't we eat in Wah Kee?" The reply? The exact same look of horror on me and WenJi's faces.

All of a sudden, it was decided. A BBQ and SteamBoat session for a party of 10 and above at Normanby. And the project initiator, manager, etc was me and WenJi. Excited, eager, charged with energy, tralalala~ Off to ask for college head's permission at 8 am (Given WenJi, this is a truly big achievement). Upon a nod, we shot off to Springvalle!

Swept everything! One highlight point: I got an extra of $7 change from one of the shops! Sampled gree tea mooncakes! Next stop, Clayton! Grabbed all the remaining stuffs and sped home to prepare!

Well........we wanted to speed home, but then, then, then! We were like carrying boulders in our shopping bags! WenJi had to stop a few times on the way from Rusden to Normanby. Please give your praisings now. This is a crucial moment for appreciation from you guys. Thank you. Haha. Haha. Hahaha!

As soon as we arrived home, WenJi and I started preparing the stuff. What ensued was loads of chopping, cutting, slicing, marinating, arranging, tasting, crapping and commiting stupid blunders! Then along came Amy, what she did? Talking, talking, talking, talking until we came to another highlight of the day! Below is the whole transcription of what happened.

Amy: Oh this! Thai people use this to make salad a. Very very yum. A bit spicy one rite?
Me: Oh, really a?
After a whole 10 minutes of conversation,....
Amy: Papaya, rite?
Me: ................................Pumpkin.

I just love being around Amy. Hehe! Then came the other guys and out went the food, and in they go into our stomachs! Here is the list of food, BBQ the Malaysian way!

1) Fish with sambal and lime juice.
2) Chicken wings.
3) Chicken skewer with capsicums in teriyaki sauce.
4) Sweet potato.
5) Potato with cheese, butter and pepper.
6) Squid (I was the founder of this!)
7) Sausages in BBQ sauce.
8) Pumpkin (amy......)
9) Lamb and beef steaks and slices
10) Vegetables
11) Octopus, Lobster, Cuttle Balls
12) Fish Tofu and nugget
13) Dumpling (I made them!)
14) Loads of mushrooms!
15) Udon (Siew Chin's subject of experiment...)
16) Prawns

By the end of the nite, we had mooncakes! A total of 8 mooncakes were eaten! The flavours were: Red Bean, Lotus, White Lotus, Green Tea, Taro, 3 Ice Cream Mooncakes (Lychee, Mango, Honey Dew)! We almost even snatched Wei Pinn's box to eat....

All in all it was a very very enjoyable day! Could not feel my body at the end of the day, but definitely think it was worth it! Cant wait for the next one!

Saturday-Zoom-Zoom-Zoom-Gone

Woke up kinda early the next morning, and went to Brandon Park! Hm, Brandon Park is nothing special and I do the same thing there pretty much everytime. But then again, like I always say, the place is not important. The company is.

Then there was the assignment trip we made to Hargrave, me, Ray and WenJi. Supposingly dull and frustrating, but then I finished my Poster and mingled around a bit. Again, company matters, location not.

After that we hit the roads of the campus, jogged together, the three of us around campus! Felt worked out and hyper, er.... not really hyper actually! Exhausted! ........and lazy. It was just a round of the campus, nothign special. But again! Again! Not the place, it is the company.

All the small things in life, no matter how repetitious, how common, how simple, how short they are, as long as it is endured together with the right people, will leave a significant mark in your memory. And that's why I said, "Today was fun!" Because, it really was.

Saturday was a simple day of happiness and warmth with all my closest ones here in Melbourne.

Sunday-Marathon-Our-Style

Woke up to a rainy Sunday morning at 8 am. Woke up to a sunny Sunday morning at 9 am.
Weather's crazy here in Melbourne. Went to the city and tried looking for the Blue Spirit store to redeem the vouceher I got from MUMSU Ball, but after numerous searches, we found the close was still closed. While we were searching, Amy missed her train and came later, by the way.

Proceeded straight to Lygon for our Pizza Meal! All you can eat for $ 13 per head. Ate a big pizza, 2 big pastas, 2 jugs of Coke, a garden salad. 80% to death. Then went to Freddo for Gelato! I had mango and toblerone! It was amazing. By the time I finished the whole thing, 90% to death. Motion sickness on the tram, 99% to death. Arrival at St. Kilda Market, revival (!), 20% to death! Left market by tram to Glenferry to pass WenJi's old schoolmate something. Tram journey, 98% death.

Walked around Glenferry. Got lost for around 15 minutes. Read the map. Confused by the map. But then I was the one who found out how to return to our dear-old-Clayton, amidst the murderously cold weather! As I have always tried to prove to my mum, RPG helps in every aspects of our daily lives.

Swayed back in the tram again, 99% death. Finally back to Normanby, took a LONG shower and finished up another Poster! After a long day, finally a nice little small chat with a certain someone who did not contact me the whole day, who I will not think of so often again. Wrapped up my day with this sweet little ending. Gonna sleep now!

What sweet little ending? Here's a teaser - I might just accept Olivia. Ta-da!

Random statements:
1) Determinated to gam fei for sure!
2) AGM got pizza!
3) "Stop being so aunty!" - by WenJi
4) Wanna Fisherman Horizon.
5) No more Pasta or Pizza. Wil really vomit.
6) Wanna eat more mooncake. Anyone can donate some?

To be An Individual

It is really unique, you yourself. Different from everyone else in countless ways, being special and existing as the one and only in this whole wide world. This fact has always been marketed as something we should be proud of, something we should embrace for all our lives and shine through it.

But, looking past all these jolly-good-old side of being unique, then why do we always find ourselves struggling to try to fit in? Or maybe, unconsiously trying to join the mainstream? OR even, helplessly floating around, blaming the whole world before locking ourselves in seclusion upon the failure to find any affiliation?

Being special. Being unique. It is all good. But aside from that, from time to time, don't they bring a sense of loneliness?

Being special. Being unique.
Being alone. Being insecure. Being intimidated. Being scared.

While trying hard to hold on to all that makes me unique: my principles, my beliefs, my dreams, my ambitions, my memories, my mind, my emotions, my feelings, there are times when I feel like I am no more than a mere follower of the mainstream. Trying to fit in to something which I am not, in a bid to find some comfort, some reliance, some connection with all that is around me.

There are a lot of issues in my life which although wanting to have a stand against it, I find myself doing it in the end. Feeling a bit relieved to know that there are people who are like me in this mainstream thing while can't stop being disgusted at my own lack of stand or courage or determination. Disgustion accumulating to angst which gradually develops into self-pity. I pity myself for being so weak.

How do we stand out as an individual. Not to be intimidated by any mainstream elements. Not to be wavered by outside influence different from your own. Not to be lured into the comfort zone which doesn't match your beliefs. Not to be tempted to by momentary affiliations. Not to be scared to be different. Not to throw away your personality. Not to be just one of them on the streets talking in the cool slang.

Such a handful.
Are we trying too hard to stand out?
Or is this another counter measure we are taking to shield our fear?

Whatever it is, I guess there is no need to think of what we have to become to be ourselves.

Individualism. Isn't it about you yourself? Then if we act naturally, without hesitation, aren't we shining as an individual already?

To be pure and innocent is no longer possible in this complicated world, once you mature. But there is something which you can preserve and protect from the many evil and tempting influences of the outside world. Your mind, your heart, your beliefs and your personality.

Hard as it might seem, if we try hard enough, this is one of the only sign of purity we can preserve in our lives. Fear, doubts, hesitations, loneliness - these are just the small 'somethings' along the way towards strengthening them.

I wanna continue believing in this.

End of a Hectic Week

Last week was a very hectic one. So hectic that all my assignments and activities had to slotted in between all in order to complete them all! It was a tiring experience for sure, but nevertheless a rewarding and satisfying one.

So what did I do last week? Obviously the highlight was MUMSU Ball 2006. It was a real stressful week for us committee seriously, making sure everything went rite, arranging things our of a sea of mess, striving to meet the expectations and most of all to create a nite worthy to all who are attending.

Stress is an evil thing. It can ride up into ur mind and play dirty games inside, making your days havoc and mood terrible. But I am still learning how to laugh it away~

During that nite, things didn't really go as planned honestly. Add to it, the awful traffic jam, untimely raining session and other small unexpected unpleasant 'surprises'. What did we get? STRESS.

But then, once you see the familiar faces greeting you, the familiar voices teasing you, all the negativities just began to fade off gradually. It was such a nice picture. Seeing all your frens in their best attire, acting posh while still talking rubbish, taking pictures in stupid poses, laughing at each others' attempts to act cool, picking small fights and so on. IT was busy and frsutrating at times, but then when I think of these happy moments, seriously nothing measures up.

Top moments of the night:
1) Getting made up and ready with my besties!
2) The food was nice! Loved the salmon esp the potato part! Loved the tiramisu and the chocolate platter!
3) Watching Siew Chin sing and then Gary's table screaming, "Siew Chin I love you" in the end!
4) Public teasing of Amy, Siew Chin, Jing Wen, Meng Sang and Chun Ming during the King & Queen session!
5) Jing Wen's sword dance and catwalk.
6) Surprising Woody with a bday cake!
7) Everyone telling 'YUM SING'~!
8) A parody of stupid pictures!
9) Feasting my eyes while looking for the KING~~!
10) Countless random jokes~!

Also, Mr Lai Jing Wen won the MUMSU Ball King title! And he better keep his prize nicely~ I really hope I didn;t mess up the King & Queen part! Ray did well while I stoned there. Seriously, like I said, I am not a PERFORMER. Not onstage definitely!

Wendy and Ben did a good job tho! It really is not easy performing! Everyone on my table won something (almost!) and I didn;t! Wenji won a $200 Famous Amos hamper! Is that a blast or what? I am definitely gonna nick some from her!

All in all it was a fun nite! Too bad to those who couldn't make it. Believe me, ask everyone and they would agree how worth it was!

So the break is here! I slept till 1 pm just now. Was seriously exhausted last nite! So this coming break, I wanna:

1) Karaoke!
2) HAve a small BBQ!
3) Play piano!
4) Eat chocolate cakes!
5) Study!
6) Yum Cha!
7) Sing loads!
8) Spend time with my dear, ya!
9) Loads more!
10) Sleep!

What if I drown?

I feel like drowning rite now? Not because of fits of suffocation or of something sorrowful. Just a mix of emptiness, a pinch of stress, a hint of uneasiness, a dash or worry and a small spark of frustration. All of these adds up to level 1 drowning.

Emptiness
This is the least significant one but then at the same time, the most prominent one inside of me! For the past few days, I had been resorting to it for ease and comfort. Sorta like something to look forward to at the end of a long tired day! I finished up all 22 episodes of Ouran Koukou Hosuto Club! Oh no! Today I felt like I had nothing to do! I miss anticipating for the moment I set my fingers tapping on DC++! That is why, the emptiness.....

Stress
Somehow, always, always, always, itsu mo, itsu mo, itsu mo. Around 5 weeks before the finals, I'll start feeling like I should have worked harder. Now, although the labs are ending slowly (I just did the last lab for CHM2962 and done the last report for CHM2922!), and the waves of reports are slowing taming, somehow, there is this persistant stressful feeling inside me. I am forever trying to dig it out.

Things I am stressing of now:
1) Finals
2) To be able to study in time
3) MUMSU Ball
4) Assignments
5) Losing Weight

Uneasiness
Hm...there is this funny sort of uneasiness inside of me. Rendering me not being able to make peace with myself. It is like I am dissatisfied with so much that is going on around me that I am feeling guilty for being this way. Maybe it started from stress? Maybe I am just over-reacting?

Regardless, i feel uneasy. I wanna make peace with myself as soon as possible. But what is causing all this?

Worry
Seems like everyone can be associated with this word rite? But then luckily for me, I have low affinity to this word. Usually I worry for 10 minutes only to throw it all away later! Cos like I always say " the boat will go straight automatically, once it reaches the port". So I guess I am healthy this way! Currently I am worried of the MUMSU Ball, but then....like I said, it'll be alrite in the end. Just gotta hang on to this thought and go through it.

Frustration
I can't take this anymore! Seriously this had never been an issue in my life. But then lately, why does it seem like everyone's picking on me about my weight?

People's general response towards my recent weight:
1) Teasing
2) Nagging
3) Laughing
4) Constant-reminding
5) Never-Fail-To-Ask-Question

I must admit that I have succumbed into believing that I really gained a whole lot of evil weight and now it is like I am punished! Verbally! Hm....regardless, I try to make a joke out of everything. Maybe as a comfort to myself, to make the situation less awkward, to numb my sensitive side? I don't know. I just do it, without me myself realizing. But then, I believe I can do it! He he!

Seems like this post is so negative. Sumimasen for complaining and complaining so much here! However, which leads me to think, aren't all this little negativities what drive us towards striving for the better? In controllable amounts, somehow they seem like motivation to some or the pushing/driving FORCE to the lazy others. It may seem monstrous from time to time. It might even have pushed you too hard sometimes.

But what will life be without all these? Will you be satisfied with a life like that? While we love stretches of blue skies and green fields, won't the same scenery become dull if it remains so forever? Even with such negativities in life, we find it hard to appreciate the good things in life. What do you think will become of us, if we take the negativities away?

So, I am still a bit agitated over all these, but then I appreciate it to be here, at this very momeny.

Random Statements:
Fitzroy is a must visit place.
Blythe dolls are kinda scary!
Starting to study CHM 2922!
Gonna return M'sia next yr!
The T2 Tea is making me a toilet-regular.
I love my Moroccan Rose lotion! Kleins is the best.
The Sesame Red Bean Bun from Asian Grocery at Campus Centre was real bad.....
I love being an Asian and am proud of it!
Amy's mum's coming!!
I want more of Ouran!

All sorts of unnecessary bugs in my head.

It is funny how a little bit of this and that can crowd up your mind. A little bit of stress, a little bit of confusion, a little bit of pressure and a little bit of frustration. Ends up being a swell of burden so heavy that you feel like just throwing your head into your beloved pillow and dream your day away. That's life!

But then, try separating all those 'this n that'. See each of them carefully. You'll realize that sometimes, they're actually quite insignificant stuff when viewed individually. Not insignificant, or should I say, they are actually not as burdening as they seemed to be. If I take one thing at a time, step by step, I am sure I can finish up everything nicely in the end. I am optimistic, as always.

Now the mission is to not let things overwhelm me. When you think back, there were always times when you thought you had it bad rite? But now, aren't we all still doing alright?

Today is my big-bad- GUILTY- day. I got the dress which had been haunting my mind ever since yesterday. It popped up in my mind and stayed there for an average of 15 minutes during these circumstances:
1) Walked past a dress store in Brandon Park
2) Saw the silky PJs at BNT
3) Random thoughts, then 'POP'. There it was.
4) Appeared in my dream.
5) IT just won't let me go.

So I went ahead and bought it. For the coming MUMSU Ball. Which I think is not really such a bad idea. Cos, I actually won't need to buy shoes as it matches well with the heels i brought over and its simplicity is actually a plus point, making mixing and maching easier when it comes to accessories and stuff~ OK, now here is the list of my accomplices who 'supported' and 'encourage' me to get the dress:
1) AMY- top supported
2) Olivia
3) Chitra

..........Ok, it is a short list but they did play a big part in the process!

There's another crossroad in my life. Whether to stay here for the next year or to return. But it all depends on my dad, i guess. But when he asked me what I wanted, part of me wishes to return just for old times' sake, missing my previous lifestyle and all the nice people back there. Another part of me wishes to remain here, realizing i am actually begining to see independence in me, to learn new things, and there is a network of close knit friends that I dread to leave here. But then I decided that thinking won't lead me anywhere! So now I am focusing on..... Going back to Sandakan for my summer holidays and nothing else!

Tomorrow! Off to Box Hill to find sponsorships! One of the major bugs in my head. Feel kinda bad for not being able to contribute. There is this temptation to just not care and hide but then, I am a Capricorn! I just cannot bear to do it. Guess I'll just try my best ...to not embarass myself. Or most importantly, not embarass MUMSU! Then we are planning to go to Richmond for some nice food! But not to worry, my pals, I am still on a diet! Seriously.

When your dreams resemble your reality, is it living your dream or avoiding the reality? I am living in a dream now. I always get people telling me that I am very lucky. Honestly, I guess I am, slightly.....? I have never really met any hardships in life before. I count it as a blessing. But then again, what will happen if this luck of mine runs out someday? I wonder....

Being told you are lucky, is sometimes a bit funny. Does it mean that your capabilities are not solid enough to be recognized by others? Or does it mean that you are given a gift exclusive few others in this whole wide world? I love being lucky and being told that I am lucky. But there are days when it makes me feel a bit sulky to be told that.

Random statements:
I love Trampoline Open Sesame.
And this currently playing song in my blogsite!
And Ouran Host Club is so funny!
Missing shopping sprees in One Utama!
Chatting with WenJi who is only less than 30 steps away from me.
Misses Teru a lot.
Angry at someone 'mean' now!
I wanna sleep now so that I can wake up earlier for piano tomorrow~

All sorts of eye candy!

Despite all attempts to reject all sinful food, I had a really really sinful day today. And it ended just as badly!

It was such an exciting day going all the way to Bridge Rd, the city and Crown, with my 2 best gal pals, all of us buzzing with excitement at the thought of shopping for a dress! But then again, typical of me, I failed to get a single item in the end! IS this a failure? Maybe you would say no. But then hear me out, those other 2 who supposedly were gonna accompany me ONLY, bought so much stuffs! Now, again, am i a failure?

Top disappointments of the day:
1) The exaggerating prices of the dresses.
2) Looking fat in the dress!
3) Failing to resist Trampoline!
4) Losing what I most anticipated for the whole day!

I really must lose some weight! Gonna resume my diet plan starting tomorrow! 80% exercise and 20% food! Oh....make some space for studying as well. And PIANO! Oh gosh, am i addicted... Every morning, I wake up automatically around 8, just so that I can get ready earlier and spare some time to play ZANARKAND, yes, still Zanarkand, in the common room. The same scenario repeats everyday. ME there, struggling with Zanarkand and the cleaning lady vacuuming behind me. Yes, I hope it didn;t annoy her too badly!

I ate a lot today! Ate a big muffin from Coffee HQ, then 20% of the Limited Edition Mars Bar ( really a must-try to all, it is not as sweet as the original but then highly chocolate-y and simple devilish to the taste buds!), Trampoline (open sesame, lychee and line and choco nougat.....simply irresistable....), Pork Chop Vermicelli at Mekong (not really nice but still....), Japanese Ice Cream at Crown (Durian and Taro~~) and 20% of the Cookies and Cream Cake at Crown. Is that a lot? I guess.....? Please dun tell me the exact answer to this question! And the one healthy option, the apple I brought alone, was left alone and rotten in my bag.

I must remain motivated and focused! Fighto fighto fighto!

Lately I heard a really really joyous and cute and..sorta strange song from GLAY~! Denki iruka something something.... It is really nice and has been playing repetitiously in my head all day~ I kinda enjoy it! It is a very nice feeling to have a happy and uplifting song playing in ur mind all day. Somehow, it helps pushes, if not neutralizes the negativities which usually crowd our minds. Although its effect is momentary, I would like to enjoy this short process.

I hope life would be like that song. Joyous, uplifting, easy, simple, cheerful, quirky, relaxing and its extraordinary power to induce a smile upon your face. 'I love my life' -- I will try to protect this statement for as long as i live.

Crossroads/ Wavering

Sometimes no matter how hard we think, we avoid, we forget, we try, decisions are never easy to make. Constantly worrying over what might become of our decision, we are weak creatures after all. Too afraid to fall, too afraid to fail. But then isn't life like this? You fall, hold back your tears and get up again.

What if, you try crying after you fall? Try releasing what is inside of you. I will always be there to listen to you.

There used to be this person in my mind, some kind of role model to me, who I wanted so much to be. Someone smart, intelligent, elegant, brave, successful, popular and so on. I spent half of my secondary years trying to be like 'her'. Always thinking of what to do, being so concious of my actions and criticizing the then 'me'. I thought it was for my own good. To make me a better person. But then it was so tough and painful to me, to endure all the pressure I mounted on myself, that I was further away from not only this 'role model' I wanted to be, but also from my ownself, my friends and my family.

Luckily, I met some nice people, got tired of all the constraints I placed upon myself and came to realize what a fool I had been. Gradually I began loosening up, value my own opinions, act according to my beliefs, be more true to myself and expressed my own feelings more. Surprisingly, my lie changed. I made a bunch of very nice friends, who now means more to me than ever before. My ties with my family became stronger and I love the way it is all smiles and laughter between us now. I gained more confidence and found myself loving my ownself more. Life was a lot more happier. Because, I finally became 'me' and not someone else.

It is very important be yourself, I guess. Have the courage to live as yourself and not to be influenced by the so-called standards set by the society, etc. It is important to have principles and rules in life, I believe. But make them your own principles and rules, and not something set to you. Only then will you be able to open up and feel more from this world.

I can truly say that life has been really great for me now. Never been so happy before and I am so thankful for everything. Now, I just hope things will stay the same! And for this, I shall work hard for it.

Everyone of you, should work hard too! Towards becoming true to yourself, towards finding happiness, and towards freedom from all constraints. IT is not easy, I hope I can achieve all this, one day.

Takaramono

Has there ever been times when you look at something and realize how happy you were in that instance? The whole moment, just like a painting, expressing indescribable feelings of happiness, gratitude and thankfulness. And without you realizing, there it was a silly smile on your face.

Things are always so peculiar and unexpected in this small world of ours. Within the course of days, small things can grow into such big things. Seemingly insignificant things can develop into such important parts of your life. Maybe because of this, we often fear the unknown, but then again, doesn't this make your courage to live through this, shine more brightly?

The world is a beautiful place.

It is times when I stare at those brown eyes that I came to realize how lucky and happy I am rite now, rite here. I hope for these days to continue, till the end of time. Hoping is not good enough, I will work hard for this. I just want to.

If I smile today

If I smile today I wonder if I can lighten up someone else's burden?
If I smile today, I wonder if this image will bring about yet another smile 3 days later?

I hope to be smiling all the time.

While smiles are always interpreted as something positive, I wonder if it really holds that promise? We smile to shield our fear, hide our insecurities, comfort our loneliness, restrain our tears, and so on. Don't we do that all the time. So much so that, sometimes, I wonder if the true meaning behind a smile is still there.

It seems like a lot pf pure things in this world have lost its meanings. Can we protect them? While trying hard to find happiness, had we all pursued the wrong direction? Maybe some of the most precious and important things in life is not that hard to find? Provided, you try hard with a true heart and honest feelings. Provided, you are able to believe in the goodness of life and all it has to offer. Provided, you are able to maintain all these.

I can say that rite now, I am really happy with my life. I experienced the feeling of truly smiling lately. It has been great. But I also know that, to maintain everything I have now, or so that, it can last, I need to work hard towards it. And because this feeling is so special and .....simply beautiful, I will work hard towards it. And on this journey, I hope to find more and more smiles.

To make a winter nite warm...

I just realised that to make a winter nite warm, u just need the presence of someone. Presence, doesnt have to be physically. Just need to feel it. I didnt complain about the cold the whole nite! Though, now I feel like complaining about my sore throat! It was fun.

To be able to talk to someone without holding back anything. This is one of the best things to do. Because of how nice this feels, it makes it all the while harder to do normally. To me, it requires a lot of trust and a great sense of security. I am glad to have found it without even being aware of it at the first place. But now that I found it, I also know that I must treasure it.

It is human nature to be afraid of the unknown, be indecisive, lack confidence, doubt ourselves and to have an inner critic. I used to have all these inside of me. Constantly worrying about this or that, all the time! But then, for some reasons, as time passed, I found myself being more and more different than the 'me' before. I cant say that I am braver, more decisive, have high confidence, is sure of myself always or so on. But one thing for sure it, I am able to shrug off worries more easily, to clear my mind of troubles and be happier for a change. And I am enjoying life this way!

Perhaps, we worry all the way just because we are so unsure of what is in store for us in the coming years or even days. But then again, I guess even if we worry, it is not like the future will change rite? Rather than that, I prefer to live the moment worry-free, and to the fullest, knowing that I am doing my best for a future I am yet to know. And for this, hopefully, I will have no regrets.

Sometimes, we must know how to reward ourselves. For me, I know this too well! Haha, which is not that good. After doing something good, always give yourself credit for it! For me, I chose to tell all my close frens and family when i lost 2 kgs! Shameless? But i felt great! Always acknowledge yourself, love yourself.

In this world where everything is constantly changing and uncertainty piles up upon us, we can only live the best we can with no regrets. Don't dwell too much in the past, don't get lost in your thoughts, don't be stuck in negativity, don't hesitate to try, don't doubt yourself, don't stop believing in yourself. For all these, will bring miracles to life.

When i say that you are great for who you are, i really mean it.
Everything is true, ever so true.
I hope this moment lasts forever.

G4's grand arrival.

Today had been a day of rapidly changing emotions. OK, let me start rite now.

Last nite, I didnt really wanted to sleep as part of me was resisting to accept the fact that holidays had ended. Time to sleep early and wake up early. To rise while the sun is still shinging. I even surrendered to the trick of leaving my curtains slightly ajar, so that the sunlight can annoy me badly enough to wake me up.

But throughout the nite, I actually couldnt sleep. Scared of being late in the morning, of bad weather, of accidents and so on. So bad that I actually woke up at 6 am! And had so much time to prepare! I was nervous. But how come?

During lecture, as usual, I felt bored. So badly that I almost nodded off, yet again.

Then I met some frens for lunch and this time I felt weird. Although it had just been around one month since we met each other again under these circumstances, at that place. I expected lots of memories of the old times and laughs n jokes just like the way it was before. But for some reasons, although the same jokes are shared, the same topic of conversation, the same people are there .....everything was the same. But only, the feeling was different. It made me think, can one single incident leave such a deep impact in wat i used to think of as a strong friendship we had? I felt uncomfortable, uneasy and weird.

I had a MUMSU meeting after that and although usually I am attentive and interested, today I was rather zoned out and .......blur? Hm, this is the Teddy-effect. Although things had been fine and seriously I have never been so sure of things, deep inside I am still a bit unstable whenever he's around. Or when he's around and everyone's around. This is embarassing considering that i'll be turning 20 soon. Quoting my best pal, "Girls need security and assurance the most." I am actually a girl! Hehe.....Probably, once I am totally assured of things, I can perhaps be better at this? I hope!

Then, as soon as I reached home, opened my mailbox, the biggest biggest surprise was there for me! It was the yellow little card telling me that I had a parcel. Because of my strong bond with Teru, at once I knew that my precious precious G4 has arrived. In less than 1 min, I left all my stuff in my room and jogged to claim my precious! The moment I held G4 in my hands, I was so touched! And just wait for the review of this exciting new single! Gonna be a blast!

Then it was heart attack time. I went to my usual shower place, but the place was pitch black and looked so so creepy since the air was cold! So i rushed upstairs to the other shower place, totally shaken only to be greeted by another heart attack. As expected, I acted foolishly again. Erghh..... thinking of it makes me cringe.

Now, after spending a quiet night on my own, I realized that my mind is filled with a really annoying toxin! Trying hard to shake it off to no avail! It is great when you have someone in your mind all the time. Someone whose mere image or memory of him can make you smile, laugh or make ur heart skip a beat. But having someone in ur mind all the time also means you anticipate more of the next meeting, the next conversation, the next laugh and.....just everything revolving around him. Some interruption came, let's continue!

It is important to strike a balance in this I know. So rite now, I can say that I dun anticipate the next time i see him.....for now, cos u just left! Haha!

In order to obtain happiness, is it a must to go through pain?

Sometimes there are people in this whorld whose pain you feel it yourself. As if it is your own pain. Feeling this, you cringe and wish for a way to help. To ease her pain. To wish her all the best.

But then, aren't these only wishes? What about action?
To know that one of your best friends is in pain, but not being able to do anything.
I finally realized how bad this feels.

The connection between 2 person are not built with time. Now I believe that it is fate. Funny as it may sound but I truly believe it now. You might have known some people all your life and yet, he or she remains a small fraction of your memory, an insignificant presence in your life.

Then there are those who you have met for less than months, and yet they shine on you. They quickly become part of your busy life, filling you with happiness, giving you something to look forward to and just.....making life so much more alive. True friends, soulmates, lover, best friends. These are all the irreplacables in life and one must be thankful to find them.

However, having someone this important also means that you will share their sadness and happiness, whether you like it or not. This is because, the bond is just too strong. While we find happiness in these people, we must be prepared to share their sadness too. Though it sounds like so much of a burden, when it happens, you will automatically do so. This is so true.

Happiness is such a blissful feeling. I have been loving every moment of my life lately. Loving it so so much, being so thankful for everything that I am starting to feel guilty for feeling so, amidst all the troubles my best friend is having. While trying to suppress my own feelings, I try to be with her more. Doing this, I sacrificed something as well. But then I think, it is worth it. I dont know whether all the times I spent with her made her feel any better. I dont know if I helped at all. I can only hope that I did.

Love is not always linked with happiness. I learnt this lately. Love always gives us a picture or happiness, gladness, joy, bliss, togetherness, warmth and hope. But then again, nothing is perfect. Love also brings selfishness, fear, insecurity, confusion, indecisiveness, conflicts, pain, tears, sadness and loneliness.

But... I still think it is worth a try. Love. You never know what you will gain from it. You might lose something in the end, but there is always a gain. This is what I believe in. And when it succeeds, the feeling is great. So great that, it is indescribable.

:::Sweet Potato:::

This morning my whole body was aching! Probably because of the amount of time I spent in the rain and in my boots yesterday. So despite knowing I had to wake up early this morning, I snoozed on for another hour before finally making my sleepy head clear!

Finally I got to meet Olivia~ Really lack of her after so many days! N as always, we talked a lot, mainly about stuff which can be classified into Group 8. It was fun but the best part was when she said she liked the special sweet potato I made! Made my day!

Despite the day being just another typical one, having a friend over, spending time together, crapping, joking and simple do nothing with, is so much fun! Although it is a bit cold today, but then my room is always warm, making it such a nice place to spend time with my friends!

Suddenly i am so into cooking. Or should i say, eating?
Let's rephrase that.
I have always been into eating.

Feelings so true yet words are needed?

I can't help feeling that as a human, I am greedy too.

I am gaining more than I expected, happiness, comfort and ......lotsa amazing memories. I found an unbelievable personality in which I can truly trust upon and feel tranquil with. I found more colours in my days and more sweet dreams at nights! Everything ......up until this moment, is just indescribable, definitely not in words.

But yet, sometimes, in an attempt to protect what we have now, to gain a moment of clarity, to determine one's own location in this vast, uncertain map, words become the one thing we hope for. The one thing we cling on as support.

Compared to feelings, I don't think words are important. It can be made up, can be moulded and can be beautified. But feelings, is the way it is and cannot be made up, nor be moulded into something it is no and true feelings can be beautified no further.

Yet, how come we still long for words so much?

Maybe we are not being greedy by wanting more than feelings and requesting for words.
Maybe, it is the sense of security and certainty we all seek for throughout our life.

Feelings don't lie.
But they can be misinterpreted, misunderstood, doubted and confusing.
That's when words come in to rescue I guess.
You might not be good with words.
But with true feelings, you don't need to be good with words.

From now on, I'll speak truly of my mind and my feelings.

Just feelings alone.

You can know a person for your whole life and discover that there is no trust between you two. This is a perfectly normal phenomenon especially in today's world where materialism and fight for power is growing endlessly.

Thus, it makes it all more special to find someone you can completely trust and be comfortable with, especially when the time spent together is so short. Quality over quantity? But then again, something like trust is no object and takes so long to build but yet so easy to destroy. So, realizing that I am able to trust someone so deeply after such a short period of time is a bit, unbelievable, amazing and also, a little confusing. But then again, I wouldn't mind more of this happening!

I susprised myself a lot yesterday. It was something I had never imagined myself capable of until then. This is the first time I am feeling this way and also the first time I trusted and opened up to someone this fast. Although it is still a bit funny, it really was one of the best feelings in the world. That was when I wondered, whether up until this moment, every single thing I am sharing with that someone, is because of the feelings inside of me.

I always had a feeling I could trust him in a lot of things.
But then more than ever, this feeling of trust was confirmed yesterday.
More than ever, I am sure about my own feelings.
Glad and fuzzy.

Waiting , Anticipating

It has been so so so so so long. But then finally, the day has come and in about 14 hours' time, I might be teased again. For my hair? My height? Or is there something new? But I don't think
I'll mind! Maybe I have been waiting for it?

Somehow, meeting someone in person is so different from communicating through electronic devices. No matter how close the technology can make you feel, it is different when you see that person right in front of u. To be able to see every crease on their smiling face, the clearness of their eyes, the flickering of their shadow on the empty walls and the warmth of just having them around you. Can technology ever replace that?

Even if it can in the future, it will only be artificial, I guess?

It is funny how someone can occupy your mind that much. When every little thing, actions, object or ....just whatever, reminds you of him or her. When you start stoning with a smile on ur face. When a simple sms or a call, makes u glow. When things go wrong, but u think it'll be fine.

When you are happy.

Can't wait to feel happier tomorrow! Can't wait to feel happier, always n always.

Decoding No. 1

"To be able to be honest. To be able to have endless chats. To feel happiness. All the unbelievable things."

No mater how tough this 2 days is gonna be, I really wanna pull myself together and do the best! But it is really bad when almost all your buddies are done with their torture and you are the only one still in this cruel captivation! Furthermore, yesterday's torture was really really a painful one. Lost 2 Qs! The first time I didn't finish a paper! This is so frustrating.

But then again, optimistic as I am, I think things will be alright! Afterall, bad things never happen all at once! In the mean time, good things do happen.

Last night was great after the huge disappointment with SCI3090. I found out some really nice things that happened without me realizing before this and seriously, it touched my heart. It made me feel so fuzzy inside and happy.

This led me to go and read back all my previous Friendster testimonials and reminded me of all those funny and much-missed times I had! The top 5 memories:

1) When Wan Ru commented that I looked like an ------ in Samuel & Kelvin.
2) Red Box marathon with Chew Bee & co.
3) Badminton then chicken wings with Steve, Choo, Ting, Loong and co.
4) Being taunted for not being able to defeat Ursula in Kingdom Hearts by my sis.
5) Being teased for gaining weight by all of u!

Now that I think of it, it has already been about 4 months since all those happened. I wonder why everything seem so distant rite now. Reading the testimonials seriously made me laugh and miss our times together. Sometimes I really hope that all of my loved ones can cluster in one place and not dispersed throughout the world like it is now. This is a selfish thought, but nevertheless, a tiny impossible dream of mine.

I think only memories can keep our bond strong?
Although memories cannot be seen nor touched, it is strong.
Although electronic communication devices are not abstract, being connected by pure wyres and electricity, means nothing.

I wish.

Homesick

I dread saying goodbyes to people. Especially when it's going to be a long one. This morning, as I woke up and prepared for departure, it required a bit of effort to contain everything inside me. For I dun wanna be like before, although everyone of them had been expecting it from me. But then I knew from way before, that I'd definitely shed a tear or two when I get back.

Unlike the last few days, this morning was kinda quiet and colder. I really didn't crap much! And Bro was also quite serious. For once, he didn't even tease me or try to make me cry. But then thinking back, it must have been more than a year that I last saw him. For now, I dunno when the next time will be. And this feeling is really bad.

It was glad to see YiMa and Grandma so full of life and just like before. Part of my family actually accompanied me here in Aussie for 4 days. For all these while, Aussie had always given me a feeling of isolation, from all ties and family I have. But now, maybe it should be specified to Normanby?

Returning here, I tried sleeping all the way back during my flight. So that I would not think of it. But it is not escapable. On the way back to Normanby, the passing sceneries while I was in the taxi made me feel .....empty. I feel like everything is passing me by. A lot of important things are passing me by back in Malaysia. I feel left out.

Back in my room now. Haha, honestly, I cried...a bit! Not as bad as before. Maybe it is cos of the sudden change?

The few days before had been noisy, gossip-y, busy, filled with laughter, in a small, crammed apartment, had YiMa, Grandma & Bro who I could always cling on, inside jokes, feeling loved and committed to something. All sunny, warm, pancakes, beach, butterflies and strawberries.

But now, in my room it is empty, cold, silent, still, lonely, nothingness, only my blanket, only a phone, filled with memories too good to be true and homesickness. All tears, greyness, crappy and filled with depression.

This makes me feel very dependent and weak. But then, I really couldn't help it. I am sure this feeling will fade away soon enough. It is always like this. I just need to fill my days with business and no time to dwell in my memories. Afterall, I will be seeing everyone again soon enough.

Maybe I shouldn't have came over here? If I didn't, I would regret it dearly.
For now, this is just a phase I have to go through.
I miss every single thing back in Malaysia.
But I will also miss every single thing in Aussia soon enough as well.

It is not that far

Hm... while it is only 2 hours of flight away only. Within the same country. With lots of wireless communication access. Somehow, it feels like verything is so far away.

Although now that I am once again reuniting with some of the closest of my family members here and laughing and joking. Somehow, it feels like some of my closest person are far away.

Eventhough, it had only been a day, actually not even 24 hours. Somehow it felt like it had been quite long already.

Some things are not near to me rite now. Somehow, it feels like there are hints, glimpses and images of them everywhere.

Sometimes it feels like I am on some drugs or something. Hm, addictive drug that fills my everyday and mind. Making me so much more addicted to my handphone and stuff. Guess this is the drug which can cure all? Making you geram, happy, dumbfounded, blur and at times, stupid, often in the course of a few hours!

I'm in Brisbane now, is it that far?

Talking Talking Talking

Today I realized a few new things about myself and of others. Despite being 'me' for ALMOST but NOT YET 20 years, I am actually an easily-induced-to-be-shy person!

As all of you might have known, shy has never been a problem to me! Rite, Steve? But then it is funny how small and seemingly insignificant actions can make me blush so badly. Just like a chain reaction, what follows are the infamous slight scratching of my head. Stuttering for words. Blurness. Stupid unwipable smile.

And other than that, I am usually quite smart! Agree please, people. But then somehow, my smartness is downgraded to blurness (yet again!), slowness, dumbness and embarassment. Probably this is due to the overpowerment of other external factors which are worth mentioning, but better kept inside! Hm, I'll definitely find a way to overcome it.

Eventhough, feeling blurred, at times shy, occasionally scared, somehow stupid-looking and being slightly teased, the hours can fly by real quickly. This is because there are other things that overshadows all these. Maybe the word 'happy' sums up everything?

Talking. Talking. Talking.
Might be just meaningless random topics.
Occasional doses of honesty and opening up.
Majority of teasing and me playing victim.
Grins, smiles, smirks, laughs.

I guess what makes me 'happy' is very simple.

The feeling of knowing someone better and enjoying every moment of the process while liking the result more.

Writing enables me to truly convey everything in my mind without any obstructions or being held back. That's why I love blogging. Hm, but then the word 'blog' somehow became a sorta taboo word for me, as of tonight. Whatever it is, I'm gonna blog everything here! Not scared of taboo~

Young Love Fantasies

When I was young, maybe due to the influence of TV or whatever, I used to imagine a lot about my future partner. There are a few qualifications, vows and little memos I made to myself, which thinking back seems a bit childish but funny now.

I love flowers but then I didn't get the fact why it's always roses that were given as a symbol of romance. Sure they are pretty and spells romance, but then isn't it a bit stereotypical? That was when I made a little decision that in any point of my life, when a guy gives me the flower I have in my mind, he'll be a special one. This flower had been on my mind since then, but till now, none received. So I guess the one is not here yet? Hehe...

There was another phase of my life where I was obsessed with Westlife. Ok, a confession this is..... I was obsessed with Shane Filan. I loved his voice so much that I sang to him every single day and thus, developed my man-ly voice. Then from this, I wanted a guy with a nice voice. Not as in singer-nice voice, but a voice that can calm me down from all the chaos in life.

Then there was the period where anime and mangas filled my everydays. From there I began to develop all ideas of what I wanna do with my future boyfriend. Sometimes I'd just daydream away on how I would meet him, get together and live happily ever after. There would be smiles all around. I was really anticipating all these.

After all these thinking, it made me realize that, innocence always makes the picture so much more happier and easier. Now, it is so hard, or even impossible to view things this way.

I guess that's why I adore Onizuka that much. To be able to act on your own and not held back by consequences.

Right now, I still hold on to some of the stupidity of my younger days. I still believe in the flower thing. I still fall for guys with a nice voice. I still daydream about my next relationship. The only difference is, while I don't really wait for it to happen last time, now I am waiting for it to happen. Because as you grow older, things never get simpler.

Right now, everything around me is like an illusion still. An illusion of happiness and hope, which i am hoping for it to solidify soon. Whether it is beyond my power, I really dunno. But at least, at this moment I am sure that that is what I want. And at later moments, I will have nothing to regret.

When a single sms, a simple chat, stuttering conversations and endless thoughts are filling ur days, you know what is happening.

Happiness

I am experiencing happiness, giggles, surprises and dreaminess lately. And though it feels confusing and troubling sometimes, the feeling is great and is what I have not experienced in a long time. Somehow, it just fills the emptiness of everyday life where everything passes you by and without much notice, you are lying on your bed, with a feeling of nothingness. At least now, when lying on my bed, there is something for me to think about and smile of.

Hoping that things will solidify into something I can grasp with my hands, I keep hoping that what I see now is not transient but something I can hold on till the end of time. It is pretty naive to think of such happiness to last that long, but then is hoping wrong? Without hoping so, where is the heart and determination to realize it?

I wish days like this will last forever. Actually, I wish days like this will solidify and thus, last forever.

Simple happenings such as the arrival of a short message, a 2 hour MSN chat, a simple smile, some meaningless teasing, flooding thoughts of sweetness, the anticipation to (finally) meet and the warmness you are reminded of when you sleep at night. These things are so so simple. But yet, so meaningful to me. And the happiness it brings, is unimaginable.

Now, I just hope the second (finally!) meeting will be a good one, and please don't make me mess this up!

With the exams approaching I guess a lot of people are stressed but then please don't ever dwelve in it. Just like quicksand, stress pulls you into more sorrow and depression. No matter how hard it is, try to see it as a very momentary feeling and problem. After all, every stressful perios has its end and with its end, is a new begining of fun and laughter (holidays!). So, while stress is evil, it makes the subsequent reward, much more tastier!

All the best to all these lovely friends of mine who'll be having exams with me! Let's greet each other with good news as soon as possible!

LAtely I am really into B'z, honestly I think the singer (Koshi Inaba)'s voice is really special and versatile! I found one of his solo works, Suiheisen on youtube and has been addicted to it since then! It is so calming. And in terms of versatality, try listening to B'z's Banzai! He's like super energetic! Almost can match with my TERU. Almost~ TERU's still no. 1~

Suiheisen - Koshi Inaba - check out the transaltions for the lyrics too.
Banzai - B'z - super SYOK song!
Ocean - B'z - very nice as well~

Blurness actually did it?

All about being courageous and brave, in the end blurness did it.
All my life I'm gonna be this blur?

One lesson I learnt from this is to always do every single thing AWAKE. Or else, you'll jerk up suddenly from your sleep, refresh on what you really did, feel butterflies all around ur body and rush to shower for 30 minutes as a WAKE UP call.

The feeling was utterly unimaginable. Anticipation and hope (as quoted from *someone*). Fear and guilt. Dumb and blur. Anxious and teary. Shaky and excited.

Literally made me walked around my room, doing totally unnecessary things. I folded clothes which were already folded. Arranged my books which were not really messy. While my mind was lost!

But then, I was glad the outcome was not bad. You can say that it was the answer I was hoping for. That's why I am glad. So glad.

There is a sense of happiness, and also fear. Looking forward but also at the same time, fearing the uncertainties and unknowns in the future. How long can this moment take me?

I don't wanna think about it now. For now, at least, I am happy.

So Close.

I was this close to doing it.

Unpredictably, the surge of courage really flushed inside of me, along with anticipation, fear and cowardice. But yet again, everything was disrupted by a phone call. And by the time, the call ended, it was already too late.

Is this fate and that I should accept it?
But if I accept everything as fate, is it rite for me to sit around doing nothing but wish?

Now, there's a sense of regret, but at the same time relief that I didn't do it.

But then, I promise myself that the next time he initiates a chat with me, I will do it.

Cause, hiding the feeling which I can't stop from growing inside me, is too tough.

I want an answer. I might be scared. I might get hurt.
But in the end, I will not regret.

Promise.

Uneasiness

As soon as I woke up this morning, I have been flooded by this feeling of uneasiness inside of me. It was so strong that all other emotions, sadness, fear, hopefulness and even stress, are forced out of me. In this small body (or gradually enlarging body) of mine, I wonder how long this this emotion is gonna be suppressed. Along with the secret, which is becoming more of a burden.

There is the sudden decision to tell everything. For I felt that if I don't do it now, I might regret later. Or would I have thrown away a chance? Is it really the right thing to do? Can I really accept the result of this, no matter what it is?

But as sudden as the decision came, it was also that momentary my courage was. After an hour, being more awake and having filled my tummy, that little courage of mine is again, buried too deeply inside me. Still looking for it.

I am an optimist, still. In this situation, I can only see myself envisioning a happy ending. So, am I prepared for a hard fall? I hope my optimism can support me till then.

Maybe its is of all these confusion and uneasiness lately, that I came to really like this piece of music playing now. Somehow, it gives a soothing feeling.

In the begining it feels like it is expressing how uneasy and scared I am. After that, in the middle it told me that eventhough the worst thing might happen and I might fall and hurt myself hard. In the end, it expressed that no matter what, there is hope and to not be afraid to stand up again after the fall. That it is fine to fall and be sad, but only remember that everything will be fine in the end. I'll be OK.

Little things like this make my day.
Maybe somehow, someway, someday, I'll really be brave.

Longing

At this moment, I really don't know what I should do, or what I want to do.

While dreading the thought of myself believing too much of fairy tales, waiting everyday for my prince come and expecting a happily ever after ending, I found myself to be really helpless, powerless and cowardly. There is this struggle in me to break from all the fear and indecisiveness, and to be able to express all my feelings to the one I am thinking of.

As much as I want to or as much as I visualize myself as a girl brave enough to see him in the eye and tell him all I have kept locked in my heart, there is the feeling that I could never do that. For, as soon as that image assumes in my mind, what follows will be the amazingly starry night, romantic background music and all the melodrama..... Back to my fairy tales again.

The longer you keep, the heavier it gets and the harder it is to be expressed.
The more stubborn one is, the more lingering the feeling is and the harder the fall will be.
The more uncertain it is, the more confused one becomes and the more sorrowful the journey will be.

I know cause this is what I am feeling now. But still, I don't know if this is what love is.
But then again, is love ever a definable term?

To let a single sad love song trigger all sorts of uneasiness inside you.
To let small memories of him and you, make you grin to yourself.
To be anxious when you see him on MSN, get his sms or calls.
To find him in your thoughts always.
To forget about this feeling only when occupied.
To find your room really quiet and cold.
To wish for him to be by your side before you sleep.

I really wish I could gather the courage to be the superhero I always hope myself to be like, brave, straightforward and strong.

Although what I want to express is just feelings.

Clearing up!

My path is clearing up as I approach the real beast.

Or, in plain words, my assignments are clearing up as the finals approach.

Although it seems like there are so much assignments to fuss about and so much studies to stress about, somehow I still feel very positive about everything. I do get stress-pangs, but then they are really temporary....say, 10 mins? I dunno whether this is a quality in me or a weakness!

Being optimistic is always refered to as a good thing. But then, being an optimist myself, I'm not sure if it is all that good. To have the tendency to laugh things of, to joke about myself, to see the bright side of everything, to create hope for myself and to always see the good side on people. It seems like sunshine, even through the thickest clouds.

But then, is optimism, just an evasion from reality? To forget about problems by laughing it off, to escape sadness by joking about ownself, to hide from the dark side of things, to believe in illusions as hope and to protect myself from the cruelty of people. It seems like the sun hidden by the dark clouds.

So, as a conclusion, is this optimism in me just another form of cowardice?
But then, without this element, inside of me, will I still live on as happy as I am now?

Lately, I realized that there are a lot of illusions around me which gives me momentary gladness. For example, I love looking at my elongated shadow underneath the sun. It makes 'me' look so much taller and slimmer. It always makes me grin a little. Small things like this sometimes, can make my day. Guess, this is the advantage of being an optimist.

If optimism, makes me happier everyday, then I don't mind the courage I might lose because of it. In this short life, I guess, happiness is the most important.

But am I willing to chase for my own happiness?
Where is the courage to do so?

Japan Festival @ BoxHill

Today was a much anticipated and exciting day for me! Japan Festival! But still I ended up waking up late. Just merely 30 minutes to prepare for my BIG day! Why is it a big day? FYI, loads of Japanese guys there, okay? Straight-forward! Hehe..... But guess what? All my opportunities were 'cut' by evil MojoJojo. Will never forgive him.

I went with MojoJojo, Amy and Olie, and as usual, Olie was only 40 minutes late. But then, we got to eat a lot more than her! The list of things I ate: Yakitori, dorayaki, Japanese Curry Rice, Senbei, Takoyaki, Calpico and sushi! Reminded me of pasar malam tho...with all the stalls there and the noisy crowd. REally miss my pasar malam nights with my dad.

Then the performance part! The bands were not all that good... But they sang my favorite song~ 3 Gatsu 9 Ka! The first bit was a BIT off tho, but then it was bearable. Then, currently one of the songs they played is sticking in my mind - Morning Musume's ....er, dunno the title! Why? Cos it was sang by the guitarist of the band who was so super cute! Confession - He really made me happy, though I didn't even get to see his face upfront!

Haha, but then in my heart there's only one person (Quoted from MojoJojo). Haha.

Sometimes I wonder what jokes are for. To make others laugh or to hide my pain? Pretending to be brave or admitting to be cowardly? An attempt to brighten up the room or a failure to shun the gloominess inside me? But then, I still like to joke. When others laugh at it, somehow I wish for the laughter to reach me. I really wish for happiness.

Everything in this world exists in such a dilemma manner. While hoping to be one thing, we can't help thinking of the other alternative. I am so tired of thinking............of everything.

I just want something very simple.
I want my family to be around me always.
I want my friends to be happy and to be always by my side.
I want someone who will love me and bring sunshine into my life, thereafter.
I want to live in a little house filled with warmth and togetherness.
I want to be greeted by the smell of roses everyday.
I want to have someone I can trust and rely on.

Somehow, I am here in Australia, studying and going thru everyday repetitiously for a degree. I wonder if what I am doing now, at this moment, can lead me to any of my wishes.

I guess, in this complicated world, people will realize that their wishes are simple after all, in the end. For now, we are still blinded by .......the cowardice to be different.

Wendy's Birthday Bash~

After almost 15 hours outdoors, u can feel ur whole body totally exhausted. And every single cell in ur body refusing to shower.

Miss Wendy cooked so much nice dishes for this party and honestly, I really appreciate it! All the effort and attention to details! My favourite dishes among all? The FABULOUS cheese cake! The FAMOUS brownies! The MUCH-MISSED curry chicken! And yet again, my diet plan was foiled. But rest assured, Gym-Queen will repossess me tomorrow.

This is a pic of me, Wendy, Olie, Amy and Raymond! The other one is a group pic we tried so hard to squeeze in!

But I woke up today with a bad hair day and since the first moment I saw myself in the mirror, I already assumed today to be a BAD day for me. Having to wear a cap the whole day sounded like a pain to me. But then, yet again, unexpected things do happen. The cap actually brought me luck. And recalling what happened, it actually made me grin to myself on my way to lecture. But then, I still fell asleep in lecture!

And I officially have extraordinarily thin fingers! Today no one could fit into my ring! I hope this applied to my waist instead...... sigh. But then we took quite a lot of pictures tonight! I love taking pictures.

So much so that, pictures became a capture of a memory to me. Somehow, thinking of the fact that I would be leaving Australia and everything I have over here, pains me. While hoping to return to all that I love in Malaysia, I dread detaching from all that I just committed to in Australia. Thus, every single picture, resembling a memory, I hope for it to act as a bridge, connecting me forever with all that I had to let go in the form of a memory that will never fade.

On these cold nights, I really hope to have someone I can call a family here. Someone I can talk to endlessly. Someone who can offer me a hug to neutralize all my worries. Someone close to me, physically and emotionally. If he is really out there somewhere, I wonder what he is doing rite now?

Should one always believe in a dream when reality is passing by them?
A waste of time or investment in hopes?

Tomorrow gotta be early for Brandon Park again! Grocery shopping!

Blogging-officially.

And yet again, the serial blogger has started again. But this time I swear it's to last. I can't believe just a simple message from Steve about PoHwa's blog tempted me to blog all over again. Recalling the fun and relaxation it offered me during my rollercoaster-like first month here in Melbourne, I kinda miss this old friend of mine. So, g'day pal.

Glad to tell all of you guys that life is getting better here in Melbourne and .................more distracted, btw! The first month, I must have been a terrible pain to all of you! Always complaining, always sulking and always annoying all of you! Here, I sincerely say, 'Thanks! .........n serves u rite!' Haha, miss y'all!

Fortunately, I met some very very nice friends here! And because of this, eventhough winter is coming and pimples are growing, I feel all warm and happy inside! Thanks for all the advices, help, support, jokes, craps, lame jokes, coffee and cake nights, parties, laughs, outings and the list goes on...... Really really appreciate y'all!

Guess what? I had a great, great night! Filled with entertainment from lame jokes, fun company and SOMEONE's embarassing incident! Wahaha, now I cannot look at RuO and Raymond's face without laughing! Although it was just a 4 hour Chadstone trip, it was a really happy one! We not only found a nice present for dear Wendy's borthday tomorrow, but then we also ate EXTRA KAH LIU meal and I ate a ChinDui! Tomorrow, is gym day again!

Hm......come to think of it. Unexpected things do happen. As the old saying goes, the more you wish for it, the more it won't come, this has become pretty true. But then, what bothers me is the fact that why this always happen everytime I am on the brink of giving up?

Then there is Teru singing, 'If we doubt all our dreams and throw everything away now, can you say it is the right thing to do?' But then again, I still couldn't find the answer to this question ...............or the courage to seek for it.

I'll be going on a ski trip soon! Can hardly wait! It's gonna be fun~ One thing I did not regret for sure since coming here, is the Easter Camp. Can't believe how much nice people I met there. Grinning now, just thinking of all u guys!

I am currently chatting with Amanda.....! The cute little puffed princess back in Malaysia. It makes me wonder whether this technology I am using now is a blessing or a curse in disguise. While being able to connect people despite the distance, it also made people less enthusiastic for human contact. Can hearts really be touched or sincerity shown through wyres and a computer screen?

That is why despite all the talks and chats, I still miss everyone.